I wish to agree with many here. I think, that, perhaps, the 'alien'..or 'sick'...or 'MLC' terms....may be labels that help us rationalize the very painful position that we are in with regards to the disruption in our marriages.
Having been at this for awhile, I believe that several facts are clear:
many of our spouses have occurences in their past that have caused some 'damage', or, cause them to carry unresolved issues forward that affect their mental health
that, under duress, they make suboptimal or illogical decisions
that some of these decisions cause many people pain
Is my W bad? Hmmmm. Does filing a false police report make someone bad? Does lying make someone bad?
Or does it just make them selfish and a liar?
As 4kids intimates above...are WE really to blame? In many ways, I choose to believe that perhaps we didn't totally 'fail' as spouses, but, we failed to know ourselves well enough that we CHOSE THE WRONG SPOUSE. Our spouse-o-meters were wired with the reverse polarity.
Sometimes, I don't fear the divorce...or the possibility that my STBXW will try to have me arrested falsely...but....I fear whether or not I will learn how to choose better in the future if I am fortunate enough to fall in love again.
The real difficulty..is to learn enough about yourself....to grow enough....to be able to see if you are in one of those 'some marriages can't be saved' categories....and save yourself from years of pain and 'toxic love'. I know one thing is true...."only YOU can determine that".
BTW, FIB's W HAS calmed a bit....and his MIL was nice to him today (dropped the kids off at his house), but, that seems worrisome. She continues to try and intimidate him by 'barging in on him' when he is having time with the kids.
