Continuing Forward--Beth's 3rd thread

[Beth 83]

Journalling:

So, I thought I would write a little about what I've been up to.

H and I interact every so often. We text. e-mail. see each other every so often. Joke around. I go to therapy every week. My therapist has been great, focusing on me rather than on my marriage. What I've realized is that while I feel very strong, I tend to undervalue myself. I've known H since we were 10 and I still have a "high school" image of him: ie: Popular boy, smart boy in the smart classes, cooler than me. I married this "high school image". I put him on a pedestal. But, the fact of the matter is w/ my H is that he is a very wounded bird, has really no good friends (he doesn't keep them), constantly searching for himself (adopted and has no self-identity), and is financially insecure (only child to rich parents so he always relies on them).

But.

H and I had a friendship before our marriage. Not a strong one, but one that was there. Respectful of each other. Our marriage was FRIENDSHIP. It wasn't passion. It was FRIENDSHIP. Jokes. Comfort. Yes. Sex, passion-long gone and adolescent even when existed (was passionate when we were 18?! Who knew what passion was then?!)

My therapist said something that really resonated with me: "Beth--H was a wounded bird, but wounded birds can still fly. He left you. He continued to live his life. It is ok for you to detach."

WOW.

I knew that. But, it seemed like when she said it, I finally FELT it.

I love H. I love him so much it isn't funny. I've known him since I was 10. Ever since we started our relationship, I used to sing him songs I made up about how he was my best friend. I miss him. But.

But.

But, I so deserve to be treated better. He continues to be the same man; a facade of strength with a scared little boy inside him. Addicted to his work. Self-loathing.

I have begun to detach.

I'm telling you all something. I've begun to date.

I know...here comes the judgement.

I'm not going to defend my decision. I have my own little bit of Catholic upbringing-guilt. And I truly truly believe that if H and I work it out, which I don't forsee being likely, that this was meant to be and has made me a better person.

But.

If anyone is interested, I have a few good stories/tidbits about how me dating has helped me GAL or rather, GET MY LIFE. back in order again. It has helped me shine a light on what I need in a partner and what I don't need FOR MY SELF.

I haven't seen anywhere on these threads about anyone admitting they've dated. I just felt like I needed to share w/ my DB friends b/c it has been so enlightening to me and I believe that honesty is important.

Feel free to e-mail me directly to talk or write here.