I wanted to start a thread here in MLC to discuss the issue of snooping.
I know its considered a no-no in DB land however I would be interested in the honest thoughts of others.
A quick bit of background about my sitch ( readers digest version) W had a PA 10yrs ago. Admitted it to me and said it was ended. I later discover its still going. Got fully involved , confronted OM etc, his W found out (indirectly) . A ended. No Dbing , never heard of it , our R rocky ever since , some great moments but mostly not so good. About Sep 06 , I recognise the signs . Dec 06 I get the We should Separate. Feb 07 I get DR and start really trying to save M . No evidence of A but I strongly suspect due to behaviour. Jun 07 . A ends and I get a confession. One week later A appears to be on again. A week after that W leaves home, leaving me with the Kids.
My opinion is that if you think there is an A going on, had the ILYBNILW speech , talk of S or D then its highly likely there is another person involved and an EA at least. During this time its better not to snoop as it will not change anything and what you find can be very painful. ( been there )
But what happens later as you start turning the corner? There seems to be this long period in limbo where the sitch stalls , often when separated. The anger is gone , there is no talk of D , no more threats to get valuers in or talk of settlements and Lawyers and most interactions are friendly at least.
My take on this is that it’s a time of reconciliation and reflection. Out of this reconciliation may come a desire to re enter a relationship or otherwise.
It’s a time of testing, the WAS testing the LBS to see if the changes they see are real and if they will stay on this new path they have found, perhaps wanting to return to the R but afraid it will all just turn out the same as before.
The LBS starts to look at the WAS and question themselves. Do I really want them back, have they changed, will I be able to trust again?
The whole issue is about trust , the WAS needing to trust the LBS that they have changed and the LBS having to trust the WAS that they will be honest and have changed as well. Both parties not wanting to invest in an R to have it fall apart once more.
The WAS Tests the LBS by pushing buttons , coming closer , backing away . Not on purpose I think but almost on a subconscious level to see if the negative behaviours of the LBS reappear under stress. I am assuming the LBS has taken Dbing to heart and done the work.
So how does the LBS test the WAS ? Initially I think its by seeing if the actions back up the words. Is she of he doing what they say they were going to do. Is there really no contact ? Quietly checking or snooping is a way to confirm that the WAS is being honest at this early stage even pre piecing . As they prove themselves then trust is built and a strong R can be formed.
So in my twisted logic I think snooping can help the healing process along.
