Hey, LS ~ I tried to find you but the system told me I couldn't do another search right then. Was a bit snitty about it, too.
I'd love to trust my instincts, if they'd stick to one direction - first I think I shouldn't say anything, just keep up the happy face, since that worked pretty well before, then I think I really need to say something to acknowledge that our interactions on the weekend have raised his doubts again. The wise words here have made me realize that he was somewhat okay until I raised the word 'love' in our conversation, just in a general sense, not specific to him and me. I tried to take it back, but it was too late by then. He felt the conversation as pressure from me, intended to get him to act loving, when he isn't 'feeling' that way.
So, trying to feel my way to a few sentences (no one else has to read this, really, but if I get it out here, it tends to stop going around and around in my head):
I want you to know that I have no intention of returning to the angry, destructive behaviour you've seen for such a long time. I'm not pretending to be different, I'm working hard at changes because I like myself better this way. I think I've been doing pretty well and I wish that I had not let the old me out this past weekend.
End of conversation. I want to say this to his face, but have big doubts about being able to do it without crying. Maybe if I memorize it and smile, smile, smile while I say it. I'm going to think about that while I finish making dinner and get ready to go to a school concert this evening. Violins and recorders - can't wait!
