I debated on posting about this, but I felt I wanted to come full circle since I have been posting here for over two years.
I saw H about 2 weeks ago. He came up to get puppy and take him back to where he lives, about 5 hours away. It was a rough day.
He looks good. Great. He has a nice, new SUV, was dressed casually but put together, at a healthy weight, happy, smiling, no depression anywhere on his face or in his eyes. He looks like the old H before he got sick with this mind-warping disease.
He cordially hugged me as he came in. Puppy jumped all over him and H was so happy to see him. I know they have missed each other. He sat down and we started to talk; he asked about my job, my family, small talk stuff. He began to talk about work and some of the more heroic calls he's had of late. While talking, his cell beeped two different times, and as much as I didn't want to point it out, I eventually said if he needed to get that, he should. He said, "No. It's ok. I'm having a conversation with you." Well, let me point out that my gut told me it was his new girlfriend trying to get ahold of him and so I again said maybe he should pick up. To which he said, "Well, this might be important." and he called her back, right in front of me. I sat there like a Stepford wife and didn't move as he had a conversation with this woman. I heard her pick up, "Hey, how's it goin'?" and could hear her voice. She is not the original ow that my H had an affair with, that much I am sure of. Anyway, he asked her a few general questions, laughed about puppy with her and said he needed to "wrap this up and he'd call on the drive back."
I sat very still, and then told him calmly that he needed to go. He was all, "Why? What's the problem?" with me. I told him it was obvious that this woman had a problem with where he was, he'd only been at my apartment for 20 min. and his cell had beeped twice. He assured me that it had nothing to do with where he was and that it was actually an important call; he'd asked her to call him about something.
Naturally, this opened the can of worms I didn't want to open, and we began talking about all of this. To sum up the particulars, yes, he's in a new relationship with this woman; she is divorced, no kids, and his family is aware of her. He has not told her what happened to our marriage, what he did. He says he takes full blame but explains that he worked too much and he messed things up with me. Is not telling your new gf that you had an affair on your wife lying?
He wants to move on. He said he spent all of last year punishing himself for what he had done, and he had given things a ton of thought about working this out with me, but in the end, he just couldn't do it. He said it was totally unhealthy, and I didn't even know if I would be able to get past it. I told him I was never given the chance. He said I was much better off without him; I deserve someone better than him. I told him if he really felt so low about himself, I didn't think he'd be out dating another woman. He had no answer.
He will always have feelings for me and he does miss things about us, but he believes in reality (his words) and he's moving on. There's no way to work it out. He said he cannot move in with me just to make ME happy.
We took puppy for a walk together and I was very aware that this would probably be the last time we would ever look like a couple to the outside world. Someone stopped us to say how cute our dog was. I'm sure that man had no idea what was really going on with us.
He has his new home, which he is busy working on. He still overworks himself between his two jobs. And now he has a new relationship. He said he just wants to have a normal relationship with someone. In talking about the divorce, there are financial reasons why right now it is better to remain legally separated, but it has nothing to do with him being unsure about our situation. I know he would have filed now if that weren't the case.
He didn't stay more than 2 hours. When he left, of course I was crying saying goodbye to puppy. I asked H what he wanted to do; how were we really leaving this? He looked at me on his way out, quickly hugged me a little and said, "I just can't. I'm sorry." They left.
He called me 10 min. later to ask me if I was all right. I said no. He said, "I'm sure you're not." He wanted to bring puppy back, and I said no; that I understood last year that this was the arrangement, etc. He told me that I could see puppy anytime I wanted; he would bring him back for visits.
Deep inside I know that isn't good for me. To see puppy means to see H. And it is like pressing a reset button inside my soul everytime I have to interact with him.
I have since emailed him a long letter about my feelings. He got it but never wrote back at all. It is very hard to see him so put together now, moving on, straightening out his life, but not wanting to include me in it ever again.
I tried; I really did.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
