Unfortunately in many cases, it is mostly up to our wayward spouses how things turn out, in the end. Especially where the kids are concerned. I think the secondary benefits of DB'ing would and do benefit us in such cases. If only I can make them real for myself, somehow. I am getting there, but for me that means no longer holding out any hope of reconciliation in any form. I am afraid I may have to just face the facts that W might very well succeed in alienating me from my S's, no matter how hard I try -- maybe even because I am trying so hard. (I am still trying to sort it out in my mind.)
I think you can DB and not hold out any hope of reconciliation. I am DBing and don't have much hope myself. I do think DBing has made for a better friendship with my H and I which b/c of the kids is a good thing. I don't believe your W can alienate your children. My children and I have grown much closer through this and I even have to encourage them to go be with their dad (they tend to want to hang around me instead of him). Maybe this is because they are 8 and 14 and they are aware of what is really going on as they get older.
I agree with you and Theoden. I believe God does give us free will, but I have been praying each night for my H to come back on the right path to God and his family, and I do believe God will answer our prayers if it is His will. My H has been spending a lot of time with our kids the past month, started wearing a cross about 2 weeks ago, and now says he wants to start taking the kids to church when he had stopped going for the past few months when he was really obsessed with the OW. H may never come back to me and our marriage, but I think if the person (like my H) leaves the door and their heart even slightly open, God will reach them through it. Karen
Karen