I'd love to hear what you do, na. That's one of the places where I'm feeling incredibly stuck. It can't be good for a relationship to never talk about anything, but anytime we (well, I) try to go there, it seems to put us back.
Perhaps you are further ahead and I just need to remember to be patient - always good to have info about further down the road, though.
Hi na- You have to expect that you will have moments of frustration like this. It sounds like you are trying to find constructive ways to work through this one. Hopefully you have learned from all of this and DB will give you the tools to deal with these issues as they arise.
Also, I find sometimes when my H moves towards me I start to feel a little anger...for me I think it is just some unresolved resentment of him walking out on our M. If I get to where you are now, I am hoping that if I keep reminding myself how much I appreciate that my H is working on the M that I will work through things.
Give it time and patience...and expect that there will be ups and downs for awhile.
Ingrid!!! So nice to "see" you around again! I have been thinking about you and will have to look for you under your new screenname. I hope you're doing well.
Upside- The anger and resentment can pop up at the strangest times. For ex, I was raking leaves over the weekend and got angry because most of the raking should have been done last fall. Last fall, h was on his way out the door, so raking wasn't a priority for him. He was more interested in running away. These thoughts, along with a couple of other things, brought me to the point where I just had to tell him what I was feeling.
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If I get to where you are now, I am hoping that if I keep reminding myself how much I appreciate that my H is working on the M that I will work through things.
I'm planning to tatto this on my brain. In our last c session, the c led us through a meditation exercise and I was focusing on how grateful I was that h was there, working on himself and our M. It really helped my outlook. I'll need to keep that focus every day.
hey, new. I know how those bitterness feelings can creep up. Definitely looking at the NOW, and don't let yourself focus on what he didn't or did do before. We all must forgive and we HAVE to learn to forget. We can't forgive someone for something, only to bring it back up against them.
Now about getting your H to do what you want. You must be direct with men. Say, "I could really use your help with the leaves, would you be able to come help me right now?" I think being specific, like telling them WHEN you need it, and also asking them which gives them the power to choose. Guys don't like for us to tell them what to do. And NO expectations!
My H actually does things for me the same day I ask him now! when before, I would be nagging over and over. He also does so much more handyman work, and is more involved with the kids. I know that it is from what I learned and from me building him up as a H, father, and man.
Have you ever read For Women Only by Shaunti Feldham? This helped me understand my H as a man and what made me realize the things I was doing wrong. I think you would get a lot from it. This book and DR were the best books that I read during my sitch.
Since I read that book, it helped me realize how I was pushing my H down, instead of building him up. The more you build your H up, the more he will do things for you.
hope that helps!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hi ST, Thanks for the advice and the book recommendation. I will try to check it out AND I will change the way I ask for help. I hate feeling like I have to tell him what to do or ask him to do something. I think it's obvious when I need help, but I guess he doesn't and I just need to remember that.
I really think, in general, guys just don't get some things. I would always be wishing my H would give me a back rub, and I would complain about my back hurting so that he would want to rub it like I would do for him, but guess what that did? it made him annoyed that I would be complaining about my back. That was one of my "mouse chasing cheese" things I did, and I never got it until I read DR.
I know that we would like our men to know what we want, but they just don't have that intuitive nurturing nature that us women have. So we have to just ask our guys directly what we need/want. otherwise, we get upset because they aren't helping, and they get frustrated because they don't know what the heck we want and why on earth are we upset.
speaking in general of course.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is a good book to read about the communication differences in men and woman. I just finished reading it and there's alot in there that makes tons of sense. Easy to read and they give examples of what a woman says and how a man takes it in, and vise versa.
I used to think that h and I were so much alike, that we didn't have the usual male/female communication problems. Ha! Now I know how wrong I was.
Our c mentioned once that women's thoughts typically go in a spiral (thoughts lead to other thoughts, thinking about several things at once), which differs from men who tend to focus on one thing at a time, linear thoughts. I'm not sure if this is true for everyone, but I think it applies to me and my h.
NA Ive also heard men are single focused and women are multi task orientated Im not there, but Michelle says in DR that feeling of nagativity will creep in after they return we have db and really hid of feelings from H for a long time take care of you peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
