You are right to say that you can't change the situation.
Only God can change it.
But you are wrong to say she is forever lost. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. God hasn't abdicated his power, might or widsom to any of us.
You can't bank on her changing. You can't plan as if she might. You must move on. But you can certainly allow yourself to be surprised by the Spirit. And you can delight in the God of joy and dance when his grace bids you dance. You dance because of him, not because of what your wife does or doesn't do.
We can't seem to DB ourselves out of this paper bag, huh??
Yes, Lwb, my friend, even when the paper bag is wet we can't seem to break loose. I am far more confident of your skills than my own, however. Night and day difference there.
Unfortunately in many cases, it is mostly up to our wayward spouses how things turn out, in the end. Especially where the kids are concerned. I think the secondary benefits of DB'ing would and do benefit us in such cases. If only I can make them real for myself, somehow. I am getting there, but for me that means no longer holding out any hope of reconciliation in any form. I am afraid I may have to just face the facts that W might very well succeed in alienating me from my S's, no matter how hard I try -- maybe even because I am trying so hard. (I am still trying to sort it out in my mind.)
I want you to know I continue to think about you and am praying for you and your girls. Come what may, I just have faith you will be alright.
I truly appreciate what you are saying. I needed to hear it, very much.
On where God comes into play in this, however, I think this might be one solitary instance where you and I might stand apart philosophically. No, God has not abdicated His power, might or wisdom, but He did grant us free will. I am convinced that is something he will never abrogate, even to save our very souls. He will make every effort to give us the opportunity to choose the correct path in life, but He will never force us to go against our wills, wrong as they might be. God does have the power, but He will not use it, not in this one way.
So, we have to choose for ourselves, each one of us. My W has made choices no other being, not even God, can make for her. She will continue to do so until she decides to choose otherwise. We can try to influence her, just as the Enemy is trying to influence her, but in the end, it is up to her.
I cannot count on W ever changing her mind, not about me. In fact, were she ever to renew her walk with God, renounce her adultery and cast her OM aside, I should have no reasonable expectation she will ever feel positive (or even neutral) towards me ever again. In fact, knowing her, she would likely take her remorse at what she has done and turn around and blame me for "allowing" her to do it to herself. She could very easily rationalize that I am still "evil" simply for not loving her enough to prevent her from straying.
I know one shouldn't try to interpret or predict what the WAS is or will be thinking, but I can easily see W doing just that. She already thinks she is right with God, even given her active A and her destruction of her children's family.
I can hope. I can pray. But I cannot expect miracles where human frailty is in full control.
Still, as a follower of Christ, I must continue to do what I am called to do, regardless. I must become a peace-maker, not an appeaser, and model for my S's the correct spiritual peace through both steadfast love and humility. It's not an easy thing for someone of my nature. But for my Lord and for my boys, I will do whatever I must. That's the song I will dance to.
Unfortunately in many cases, it is mostly up to our wayward spouses how things turn out, in the end. Especially where the kids are concerned. I think the secondary benefits of DB'ing would and do benefit us in such cases. If only I can make them real for myself, somehow. I am getting there, but for me that means no longer holding out any hope of reconciliation in any form. I am afraid I may have to just face the facts that W might very well succeed in alienating me from my S's, no matter how hard I try -- maybe even because I am trying so hard. (I am still trying to sort it out in my mind.)
I think you can DB and not hold out any hope of reconciliation. I am DBing and don't have much hope myself. I do think DBing has made for a better friendship with my H and I which b/c of the kids is a good thing. I don't believe your W can alienate your children. My children and I have grown much closer through this and I even have to encourage them to go be with their dad (they tend to want to hang around me instead of him). Maybe this is because they are 8 and 14 and they are aware of what is really going on as they get older.
I agree with you and Theoden. I believe God does give us free will, but I have been praying each night for my H to come back on the right path to God and his family, and I do believe God will answer our prayers if it is His will. My H has been spending a lot of time with our kids the past month, started wearing a cross about 2 weeks ago, and now says he wants to start taking the kids to church when he had stopped going for the past few months when he was really obsessed with the OW. H may never come back to me and our marriage, but I think if the person (like my H) leaves the door and their heart even slightly open, God will reach them through it. Karen
Unfortunately in many cases, it is mostly up to our wayward spouses how things turn out, in the end
Someone asked me the other day what I would do if H begged to come back. I told her I never even think about that, because it won't happen. This whole thing has been up to him. The only thing I can control is me. I have learned this.....
nocode, you are stronger than you realize and have DB'ed yourself into an amazing person and father. So, shush about night and day......
Sorry, I did not mean to imply that human frailty was in full control everywhere, by everyone.
But so many people do allow their weaknesses to get the better of them, embracing their faults and even celebrating them. Worldly values are lauded, and virtue is held in disdain. With sinful behavior being enabled in nearly every facet of modern life, God has difficulty reaching many of his lost children. Free will is sometimes very stubborn. I cannot help but think that when we make so many wrong choices, it must make Him so utterly sad.
Should we close up shop? No, obviously God gave His only Son for the chance to save those that might choose to be. Even if it were for but a mere handful, it must still be worthwhile to Him. Our Father loves us that much.
Still it does not change the fact that some will still be lost and, sadly, never recovered. Sometimes a prodigal son does not return.
