Better late than never?

[jon2911]

Wow, don't even know where to start with this bit of journaling. Went over to a friend's house last night to watch basketball, and was planning on spending the night over there. W texted me asking if I could find something for her at my apartment. "I'm up a creek" she said. I told her I'd love to help, and would be back late.

I called her and talked for a while on my way home, just catching up. She said "I missed you this week". Never said that before. I thanked her and told her I missed her as well. I was able to find what she needed quickly and offered to ship it to her Ebay customers, and she really appreciated it. She wants to visit sometime next week when she has a doctor's appointment.

Then, she said "I want to know what you think about us. Like, do you still have hope, giving up, what?" I didn't want to start an R talk, so I said I'd rather discuss this over e-mail. We've always been better communicating that way. She started crying and said "can you just tell me something nice, like that it sucks to be apart? I feel like I can't talk to my best friend any more."

I gave in then, told her how much I miss her and that I think about her all the time. That I just want to be her friend right now, and that I'm working on myself to make sure I never treat anyone that way again. She said hopefully we can get to the point where we can be friends without it hurting so much.
Then she starting bringing up all the stuff I did wrong, how neglected she felt. Even a new one: that she can remember dressing sexy for me 20 times, and I didn't even look up from my laptop. Ouch! All I could say is "no wonder you're so angry with me".

A lot of thoughts keep coming to my mind, that she's just cake-eating, wants all the benefits with no commitment. I have to keep remembering the advice in Michelle's article:

Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer...act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more.

We talked for another 2 hours, and I kept trying to validate and avoid the R talk. She's still stuck on the thought that I only started respecting her and wanting her after she left me. At the end I thanked her for the talk.

Thoughts:

1. I need to be more detached and less emotional when we talk like this. She says things that just get to me.

- when talking about her friends, they're all kicking themselves that they didn't come talk to me sooner, try to help before it was too late. I told her that their past-tense perspective makes me angry, like it's all over and there's no hope. She said "well, they know me better than you do, and they know that when I make a decision I stick with it. I don't just leave my husband to come back later."

She's obviously questioning the decision now, but too proud to go back on it. Why does she feel guilty for coming back to her husband? The whole sitch pisses me off. Guess I need to get over it somehow.

2. W needs a lot more complements from me. I think this is something I can do without getting into R talk. She needs to know how much I respect her, and why I'm fighting like this. The more I think about it, that's what she might really be looking for.

Started that today, with a response to an Ebay e-mail telling her how much I admire the "Ebay Queen". Maybe a later follow-up with one of those "40 things I admire about you" e-mails?