WAW wants a divorce

[christarn]

PCJ~ Sorry I didn't get back with you...if I neglect something you have asked, just come over to my thread and slap me!!!

My DB coach has reccommended no contact in my sitch. My is rather a unique sitch. I am the WAW who is now regretting it and trying to get my H to want to work on things...it's a long drawn out saga...if you get really bored you can read about it!! I have been at this for a year now. We go up and down the roller coaster. As for now, no contact. I have found, the more I detatch, and do things for myself, the better I feel. don't get me wrong, I still am waiting for a phone call or text from him, but not constantly checking my phone like I once did.

You have to do what is best for you. Each sitch, is different in its own unique way. We are all here to help and support each other, and sometimes just to vent!! I do that a lot!!! I have made some great friends here! And the funny thing is I don't even know what they look like!!

Detatch, read and re-read the books. Stay strong, focused and motivated. Do the things in life that make you happy. The goal in all of this is, for you to be happy within yourself, and hopefully when that happens, your S will see that and want to be a part of your life again.

Take care
christarn

[pcjohnson61]

Hi All

I just got a delivered the divorce papers yesterday. I'm going to see a lawyer to write a response. The papers really hurt.

How should I interact with her after she's dropped the bomb on me??

[christarn]

PC J61~ I'm sorry to hear that, what a hard day for you. I ca nonly imagine the hurt you are going thru today. My thoughts and prayers are with you. The only advice I can offer about your interactions with your W, is to try to be the stronger person. Be courtious, plesant, and hard as it may be take the higher road when dealing with her. Let her see she can not manipulate your actions/reactions.

Stay strong.
I'm thinking of you and praying for you
Christarn

[pcjohnson61]

thanks Christarn: u r a great help, i guess i just need to accept the facts and do my best for myslef and my family

u2 are also in my prayers

take care

pj

[christarn]

PC, Don't look at this as the end...PLEASE!!! I know I am the opposite of everything that is going on here. But I filed for D, way over a year ago, H and I both agreed to put it on hold almost a year ago...and stil to this day, no action has been taken on it. D's are long processes. I will go find jen_jam's top ten for you...it will give you a little peace of mind, and some hope...it did for me!! be back in a few

[christarn]

PCJ~ This is Jen_Jam's famous top ten....I owe her so much gratitude for this, as when I first came here, somebody posted this for me, and it gave me peace of mind and some hope. I hope it does the same for you. I printed it, and read a million times a day. I had it hanging on my mirror in my bedroom for the first 3-4 months of DBing, then I had a party and thought maybe I should take it down, I'm in a lull now...maybe I should re-hang it!!! I hope it helps you out some too hugs to you my friend, Christarn....and big hugs of thanks to Jen_jam for her awesome top ten!!

This is Jen_Jam's famous top ten, It helped me keep my sanity...when I find myself getting down about all of this, I read it...it's good stuff, again thanks to jen_jam, for the famous top ten!!

1. Don't panic, no one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

[CBK]

PJ - you are getting great advice from Christarn - I can't add much except for repeating - do what is right for you and your children. Be the better man, GAL - read DR and practice. I have a DB coach as well and am looking forward to our calls. The top 10 list is essetial as well - I too have this printed out and read it all the time.

Thinking of you.

CBK

[pcjohnson61]

thanks all,

alot of my friends say I should fight it, my therapists says
I should stress to her the importance of the family our son and whats at stake,

I'm just thinking of staying quiet, being patient and using jujitsu

thanks for all of your support it really helps!!

peace

pj

[pcjohnson61]

Hi All

Mother's Day and my wedding anniversary is coming up. My WAW has filed for divorce and I have been served the papers. The papers in my opinion are very harsh and unfair.

I've been practicing LRT forthe past month.

I would like to know what sort of gesture should I make for our anniversary and Mother's Day. Are cards appropriate? Should I give her a gift?

thanks

pcj

[sgctxok]

Mother's Day...yes...age appropriate give from your 'son'. Is he old enough to pick it out? Otherwise....gift card/gift from him.


Anniversary--nothing.


Birthday---if it's soon....unemotional card. You can't ignore it, some women never forgive that (I wouldn't).