Minkerman: Coasting into an uncertain future

[minkerman]

Well she called. No disasters this time

She just wanted to ask me
1)what time we were moving our boat to the broker's on Saturday, and
2)to tell me she figured out where a mysterious credit card charge came from

She was nice on the phone. Sounded sweet and warm.

She followed up with an email saying:
It bothers me that my analytical brain is functioning again. At least it has some good features....

She is adamant that she can't figure out how to move forward because she has such a tendency to overthink the situation. She wants her brain to relax, so her path will become more naturally clear, or "spectacularly obvious" as she puts it. She feels that getting back on her exercise regime will help her do that.

Next item:
Was talking with our son (25 yrs) last night. He said he texted W a couple of days after we got home from our long weekend in Seattle. Asked how the concert and the weekend were.

She texted him back that she had a wonderful time, enjoyed the whole weekend, and "your Dad is such an incredibly wonderful person".

But she can't tell ME that. Sheesh.

So, as I said...no disasters. Still neutral.

[cw68]

I think she just needs more time. Nothing in life is spectacularly obvious and eventually she'll figure that out. In the meantime, make sure to take care of yourself and do what you need to do, follow the path that you know you need to follow.

[Purr]

Mink, I would just carry on with life and enjoy as best you can. She's confused and it's maddening. I've read others on the Piecing threads who find this pushing forward then pulling back thing crazy making! I dunno about going dark but I do know if you put more into this than her it does become pursuing and pushes them away. It's such a helpless feeling isn't it. So do what makes Minkerman feel good right now but let her be for a bit.

Whatisis,

Wow, this really hit the mark for me! MM, I think it's solid advice, and I know how tough this must be. It sounds like a great discussion you had w/W. though--a gentle way to hold up a mirror to her on this. Helps her to see the bind--a bind that she is creating vs. you. These are tough calls but whatisis has good words I think (and relevant to me too!).

hang in there,

Purr

[minkerman]

I have been totally leaving her alone all week. Suddenly, at 6:15 am today, she called me just for some small talk. Updates on what's happening at work etc. We were both in a good mood. I ended the call, not her..."great to talk to you W, but I gotta run - we'll talk soon, bye!"

I don't feel as much sharp emotion about any of this as I did even 2 weeks ago. That has to be more healthy for both of us. Maybe I'm getting to where she is? Who knows....

She was surprised a little while ago when she mentioned that I was "waiting for her to make up her mind". I corrected her, that there is a BIG difference between being "open to reconciliation" and "waiting for someone".

[seekpeaceofmind]

She was surprised a little while ago when she mentioned that I was "waiting for her to make up her mind". I corrected her, that there is a BIG difference between being "open to reconciliation" and "waiting for someone".

I wish I had been more clear with my H about that - I don't like to think of this in terms of "strategy", but do feel I made a big error in how I communicated my choice to give him space. Once in MC I blurted out that I was being left hanging and later in a talk about D, I said that I wasn't putting him on a deadline and was willing to give him the time/space he seems to need now. Since then, he has been even more distant and made no moves toward me. What you said to your W allowed you to keep your own power and may have subtly shown that she will have work to do to get you back. That is a much more healthy/attractive balance for R.

[minkerman]

Thanks for the feedback, s.p.o.m.

I think you are correct in that my W will view my position differently after me saying what I said.

It's strange, and I won't read any expectations into it - but she called me tonight at 6pm, we talked for 55 minutes. She talked a lot about how well I was doing in my creative stuff (playing in a rock band) and how happy it must make me.

That was after calling me this morning as well.

Like I said, strange, since I have not been calling or emailing her at all. Probably means nothing.

[Marcum]

well Mink it may be nothing or it may be something simple like she missed ya. I kind of back slide today myself and let tears come out. you on the other hand have been a real rock. I think i have said this before but when im feeling down i realy enjoy coming to your threads and seeing DBer in real action. lately it seems my sitch is about 2 weeks behind yours.

[cw68]

Mink, you guys are just working out your situation, whatever that is. While it may not be going just how you want it to be, I think you are both being real, honest and patient. That's going to make both of you happier and healthy later in life, hopefully together.

Sometime last month my husband said something about this whole putting life on hold thing stinks. I responded that nothing's on hold, this is just life.

[minkerman]

In my life's quest to stay totally confused, here is what just happened.

My wife just got a promotion at work, and called me to tell me...she is tickled pink, she has been pushing for this for 2 years. I am super happy for her, and have been behind her on this 100%, especially when things were good between us.

Also, small backstory. When I achieved my dream of playing in a band, she bought a bottle of champagne for me, and we celebrated with it (2 wks ago).

So, following the call, I sent her a supportive email:
Sorry I had to whisper when you called...3 people were in my office. I have champagne in MY fridge now, because you will be living YOUR dream. Enjoy it, bask in it. You will be doing what you were meant to do.

You can’t imagine how happy I am for you, W.

MM

PS If you’re not too whipped after all of this rollercoaster riding, I want to buy you dinner. This deserves a celebration.

HER:
Thanks Mink!!

How appropriate, "Guitar Man" is on my ipod

ME:
You didn’t answer about dinner.

HER:
oh, you meant tonite...

that would be nice!

ME:
Chauffeur at 4:00, the usual spot.

HER:
ok :-)

So, a dinner will be nice. No expectations, just celebrating W's success!

Will report later....

[cw68]

Celebrate, relax and enjoy each other. Congrats Mrs. Mink.