Ty, I'm glad you found my post helpful. As I said, I am myself simply passing onto you a distillation of the collective wisdom of previous posters here, plus my own take, having personally put nearly all of it into practice and seen results. That does not mean an endless supply of sex. But, as you will start to realise, a lack of good sex (not all sex is), and your own reaction to that lack, is telling you something about you, your perceptions of the world, and your choices. EDITED--ADVERTISING NOT ALLOWED. Let us know how you're getting on.
Sgctxok, I see your point entirely, but I should clarify the course I've suggested:
(1) I'm not suggesting an ultimatum. Telling a spouse you will not tolerate infidelity is not an ultimatum. Its a boundary. It may well be that Ty's wife was unfaithful because she felt her needs were not being met. But she is an adult and has to take responsibility for her own actions. I totally understand that women are fundamentally different from men, but they are nonetheless still responsible for their own actions. She needs to know that although she may be forgiven, this is not forgotten and will not be tolerated again. It is possibly the most important boundary in the marriage. There is no point sugar-coating it as if she were a child. Stating this boundary will be an important step in her starting to respect her husband again, which she currently does not.
(2) "You want a slow takeaway of what you do for her". I'm not suggesting taking anything away, only that they split up childcare and housework fairly. What is fair should be determined objectively by their respective working hours etc, not by whether or not Ty is expecting to get sex. Removing (permanently) that expectation will take the pressure of his wife, and allow an adjustment of time for him to work on himself.
(3) "If your goal is to save your marriage". That is the reason we are all here: a healthy marriage speaks for itself, and is (I think) the best environment for raising children. We have to make ourselves healthy and self-reliant, that gives space for the attraction to start working again.
Puppy Dog Tails - I get the nursery rhyme reference - I'm pleased to hear from someone who has come through the other side. I think an SSM is like a furnace - a man can either fold up and burn, or he can discover the steel he already has within him. What I've personally learned is that the marital home is not some kind of shelter from the outside world where a man can just lie down and have his wounds bandaged, its actually a part of that world, where he still has to be a man though in different ways i.e. with his wife. Like the world itself, there is the potential for great cruelty, but also great joy. And there are no "guarantees".
I will put up a new thread on marriage in the next few days. Watch this space.
Last edited by sgctxok; 04/23/0806:38 PM.
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
