My husband said he needed more space....

[seekpeaceofmind]

I know he's sorry for what happened in January

I always wonder - Was he sorry for his behavior or was he sorry for getting caught?

I told him that I wanted him to stop calling her. he promised he would but that I also needed to drop it and let it go to be able to focus on the real issues.

Does he get to define what the "real issues" are? And the real issues are all about you and your behavior, but not so much about him and his choices?

It sounds like he's been lying - at least by omission - and that is an important issue in any M. I would agree that you won't gain anything in healing the issues in your M by confronting him now or dwelling on things that can't/won't be changed. I have very little contact with my H, so I have no experience to offer in dealing with your kind of sitch. I just would say that you seem to be owning most of the responsibility for the problems in your M and it almost always takes two to get to this point. But - as we all know the only one we can control or change is ourself, so it's great to take appropriate responsibility and focus on your DB strategies if only because they will be good for you. Maybe with an emphasis on PMA and GAL? You can deal with his behavior if and when he is ready to take on his share of the R issues. You're not in MC at this point, right?

I know you weren't really asking for advice, but I know that in your place right now, I would be pretty miserable thinking about all of the what ifs, whys, what next types of thoughts. . . .

[JenInVen]

Hi! I'll take advice, a warm shoulder, a kleenex almost anything ya got!

It sounds like he's been lying - at least by omission

Bingo. I told him that and he said he's trying to protect me...oh my what BS!! I told him all I want is the truth.

Does he get to define what the "real issues" are? And the real issues are all about you and your behavior, but not so much about him and his choices?

We both made mistakes in our M. Deep down I think the majority are our reactions to each other. We have both taken ownership of our own issues now but I'm not sure if we did well with that area before.

He has been seeing an IC but won't go to MC with me. I asked him 3 years ago to go but he refused and has done so ever since. I think what he meant by the real issues are how we got to this point and how each of us can heal.

I think he's in IC because he is depressed about our whole sitch but he gets upset with any T who wants to discuss our M and the reasons why he wants a D too deeply. Our friends have tried to talk to him about us but he won't let them go too far. They are getting pretty annoyed with him at this point. He has found new friends who don't know me and therfore cannot voice unbiased opnions.

I cannot be around him nor should I at this point. Now I am really looking forward to his trip.

Jen

[stella_k]

(((((Jen)))))),

all I can do is offer you a (((hug))) and a shoulder to cry on if you need one. FRom my own expierience I know that it doesn't get easier from Bomb to Bomb, but at least you go from total confusion to some clarity and start seeing the issues in your M for what they are. He didn't walk out on you because you didn't live up to his expectations. He walked out in order to have an A, even if only EA, and tried to justify his actions blaming most of issues in your M on you. Just like every other WAS on this board.

YOu're an expierienced DBer now, keep working on yourself, breathe, GAL, enjoy your trip, DETACH.

My turn to send you (((((positive vibes))))!

[JenInVen]

Thanks Stella!

I'm wondering if I should call her. Just to talk to her not to threaten. I know who she is and I've given her classes before this happened. I find her to be compassionate and I think if I could talk to her she'd listen.

Maybe not the best idea right?

I knew something wasn't right with them before he told me last week that he's been communicating with her. I just want the damn truth and I might never get it.

Could it just be a friendship now and I'm over reacting?

Jen

[cw68]

That's tough. When I found out my H was having an EA, he agreed to end it right away. I didn't know this other woman, though she was our dental hygienist, but told him I was sending her an email to back off. I sent the email to him before I sent it to her and it pretty much said that I wasn't accusing her of anything untoward, but that I was respectfully requesting that she disassociated herself from my husband, that we needed to figure this thing out without any outside distractions. She responded, blah blah blah, but it made me feel better.

However, I wouldn't call her or get into anything with her. Just enough to "stake my claim" and calm me down.

[stella_k]

Jen, my 2 cents: Don't call her.

(((hugs)))

[addie]

((((((Jen))))))

If your H admitted that there was some sort of EA in the past, then even if it is "just friedship" it is a very slippery slope. In Venezuela, you may not be able to get your hands on the book, Not Just Friends, but it would really be worth reading. Usually when they claim, that they're "just friends" the R has already crossed the line. Most of the times, it isn't appropriate for a married person to be discussing their marital issues with someone of the opposite sex (especially when that person is a new friend). Here I am saying this and one of my best friends whom I've confided in, in the past, is male. But he's been a close friend even before I met H. There's a difference.
My H denied it over and over again even when I showed him proof so take what he's saying with a grain of salt. He hasn't been fully honest thusfar.
I think all of this is so much harder to deal with when there is OP. But it doesn't change the fact that you can't control H. Keep DB because that is the only way to save your M. Come on here and vent.
Oh, and don't call her. You won't get the truth and H will be absolutely furious with you.

[JenInVen]

I think I'd embarress myself if I were to call her anyways. I'll just let things calm down and let it take the path it has to.

I just think that she finds reasons to call and see him. Like yesterday she called about someone she works with who wants a course. She could have given that person his phone number but no she had to call H about it. Another couple of times she called for favors (should ask her damn H not mine!!). I don't trust her intentions. If she did commit to her marriage then she should back off right? It's like she'll keep H around just in csse her M fails. He's naive and gulity at the same time. I told him he should be careful but he calims they're friends.

Jen

PS Last night he sarted calling this apartment "your house" it used to be "the house"...dumb ass

[cw68]

See, that's exactly why I emailed her to tell her to back off. As I recently told my husband, I now trust him, but I don't trust her.

[JenInVen]

Should I email her then? She seems like a resonable person. (ironic isn't it?)

Jen