Hi IMT-- I hope it's thawed out up there by now. I won't mention the temps here <grin>. I live in SE LA. Deuxlie is a "pet name" that my H calls me for some reason that he doesn't even know. He usually calls me Doolie Daw'lin actually. I changed the spelling, then spelled it wrong, lol. Changed my original name on here because I didn't want my details so readily accessable to certain nosy people and plus I HATED my original name on this site. It was a HUGE downer, to say the least. I was an absolute mess when I found this site.
Try to be easy on yourself hon, you've been through so very much and the decision to try to piece it all together again is frightening for both of you. Men and women tend to express fear in different ways though....
I also do not think you'll get half that paragraph out before his eyes glaze over. Kinda like my long, long posts! Hee. In the state of mind he's in, I don't think your husband could process all of that and give you the answers you wish for.
Maybe we can figure out a way to find the answers you seek without making it a "TALK" and putting him on the defense. That just reinforces his fears and those "icky" feelings inside of him associated with the mess he has created.
It's only been a few weeks since he has said he's no longer leaving. You made some great observations in your rant when you noted the things you tried that did not work. No more cheeseless tunnels. K?
You wonder what the point is if "this is how it's going to be." That reminds me of me when I used to blast some song that said "If this is how it's gonna be, I quit..." Guess he believed me for a while there.
I can tell you almost certainly that this is NOT how it's going to be. When we feel stuck in an unhappy relationship, we are truly keeping ourselves exactly where we do not want to be. Relationships aren't a thing, a noun; relationships are verbs. They are moving, something we do, not have.
The word "Love" in the Love Languages book may have just spooked him because on some level he just isn't ready to give up what he perceives some part of himself that he is guarding. I read that he isn't trusting you yet. That's okay. This will change and so will the dynamics that are driving you crazy and hurting you so badly right now as long as you can be patient and not push him back out to the guy that is looking for something else. NOTE: I am NOT blaming you for his actions. They suck. We can't do anything about what THEY do though. You're here. We can make this better, one way or the other.
It sounds like it works for you when you spend time together. Do you go to those baseball games with them? Can you get involved with the team in some fundraising/treat bringing capacity? While getting my own life, I made "quality time" for H by just doing the things he liked. He loves to fish and camp... instead of doing the hotel/city gig that I (sortakinda) prefer, I started looking into camping again. Bought him books on birds and binoculars and went on birdwatching walks/drives.
Can you table the BIG TALKS and take some more baby steps toward comfort, friendship, little things, SHOW him a NOT angry, NOT suspicious woman and wait for the chances to listen to what he's saying? Putting them on the spot never seems to work. You didn't get "the painful truth", trust me. You got his panic response but love is an action too! So there.
I know you've been betrayed. I can't promise it won't happen again. But back when you married... well, I guess we didn't know it but no one could promise us that back then either. No one can guarantee someone else won't do the same thing to you if you move on either.
Chances are though, if you don't do your best to sort this out, that you're likely to choose more of the same. IF, IF IF it should happen again, you have another choice to make. Just like we always have.
Keep talking this out with us... (((hugs IMT))) Kel
