We Hold on

[fightingirish]

thanks lwb and yoyo.... warning this is a long vent...

Well I don't know what the hell is wrong with my H... I just can't stomach anything anymore. He starts barking at me for something this morning, as I am trying to get the kids ready and then I remain quiet for the rest of the morning, he decides to "freak out" on me because I have an attitude with him. Mind you I just was quiet. He starts yelling and screaming at me. I just said nothing. He thinks that barking at me is ok, and I shouldn't have any reaction to it. Im so tired of it.

I think to myself, what the heck am I doing, how did i get to this place in my life. This man has hurt me so much, and continues to be a jerk and Im still here. Im trapped, what can I do? I have two beautiful children that I would do anything for, including keeping our family intact. But at what cost? this man does not love me. He says he does when the moment is right, but he has no regard for my feelings at all.

I have been working on a mailing for him for 3 days now, on top of taking care of the house, the kids and the bills. I don't ever get, "I apppreciate you" ... or should I not expect that.. doesn't anyone say that to eachother anymore?

I had a good job that paid decent money, but I quit when my first boy was 1 year old to stay home with him. I know it is much more important for me to be with my boys than to go to a job, but I feel like im losing control over my life. H has more control because he is the bread winner and Im a SAHM. What do I do... I can't afford daycare anyway at this point it wouldn't work out (daycare here is expensive) and I just can't leave my 2 year old with someone else..

Im not looking for a solution, just a rant here. I do know that if I didn't have children with this man, I wouldn't be here. They are the only thing holding me together.

I made some stupid descions in my life, that I wish to the gods I could take back. I guess I have lots of regrets.

More and more I am losing any sort of connection with my H. Its getting worse, and he just doesn't care to try and fix it.

I know im all over the place with this rant.. sorry.

I had errands to do this morning, I cried the whole way... I don't know what to do at this point. Im so dissapointed in myself for letting it get this far. Im dissapointed for letting my children down. Im trying my hardest to not let this show to them. They are my whole heart.

Thank you for listening if you got this far.