sorry it has very long to post. i am currently remodleing my liveing room, kitchen, and hallway, laying laminite. it has kept me very busy. i guess this is good.
the MC this past sat. was better. we started talking and she had asked me about all the stuff that we discussed on the past visist. i tld her that i thought that she was full of crap and diudn't really consider my felings. and how pissed off i was. she didn't say that she was sorry, but did say that she felt that she neded to say the things i didn't want to hear. so they can be said. i hate these type of C. dispite this fact the session went better then i exspected. at least i stayed.
one disturbing thing came out of the session was i told the C on how mad i was at the fact that my W said that the night after the A she was affaid of getting aids or getting pregnant. what would you gather from this statment. i made the comment that how could she run the risk of not only getting any STD's herslef then to pass it along to me. i also said that HIV can take years to becomee. well come to find out that a condom was used. then why would she not tell me this. also she made the comment that all the many times i was into porn and she had forgiven me are we not even. this really pissed me off. i know when she forgave for the porn i thought that i was the luckest guy in the world and felt great. then on hind side knowing it was just weks after the A i know think that she forgave me on her own guilt. is this wrong to think. then last night i asked was the sondom her idea or was it the OM. she said it was her idea. i think that this is both comforting, and sad at the same time.
comporting: that she was responceable to not run a huge risk to me and for the opther chilren.
sad: that ultimitly planed out the whole thing to betray me.
i asked a couple of other questions last night and she answered them trufully. but it still hurts. it is like prying teeth to get any info from her. i know that it hurts her to tell me but i need to know exatcly what to forgive. with the porn she never asked what web sites, mags, etc, and said didn't whant to know. i think that is why she doesn't to embelish on her A.
so this morning i was still thinking about the answers from last night she wanted a hug and kiss before she went to work(i am home with the kids today). i told i didn't want to. and told her for me to move on i have to know every little dirty detail. she shays all it would do is give me a reason to be pissed off at her. i sarcasticly said thnks for the support. then she left. i called her 10-15 min later and aid sorry to make her relive the A but i need to know. she said that she will e-mail it to me.
i fear that she may be right. how bad will this hurt? however i still feel that i have to know how much to forgive.
the good thing is i still don't want to divorce or move out. the temptation is there but i know where that feeling is comming from.