How did you force him out? I really need to know since everytime I have tried to do that and the man won't leave!
I think it sounds like you did really well. Maybe some time away is just what you two need. I heard that "I have changed...I am not the man you married" stuff as well. I think it is true to a point. And if I wasn't married to him, I would just let him go his own way, but I was serious when I said those vows. My thought are all over the place right now.
No one thinks you are selfish at all!! You did what you need to do. That is totally great! Keep up the good work.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Have you met with a good attorney yet to find out what your options are?
I'm afraid that your pursuing/needy/grabby behavior, alternating with passive-aggressive, is only aggravating the situation and pushing your husband further away. You need to do some heavy reading on DETACHMENT, calmly come up with a PLAN (legal, financial, marital), and then summon up all the courage and strength that you can muster and EXECUTE IT.
That last part, we all here can HELP with. But the rest is up to you. You need to gather yourself, STEEL yourself, and figure out what you want to do here.
Well it wasn't pretty..he only had about 3 hrs of sleep and I kept waking him up and told him it was so wrong of him to tell me what he told me the night before..Basically that he may as well go back with her and that I can no longer control him etc etc..I told him he can't have both and told him to leave..He just kept laying there so I was yelling and told him to get out now , basically I didn't give him one second of peace. It was horrible and I've turned into a lunatic.Was not one of my finest moments and i'm not proud. What i really want is my husband back..but I'm so afraid that she has more that appeals to him than I do. She makes more money, they work in the same field and he cares about her son as well. And I know he thinks she's beautiful and has a wonderful body..he hasn't said that to me in almost 14 yrs..
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
Puppy, you are so right..If Only I could stop this behavior..But it doesn't help when he continues contacting her.. he says he won't but she'll send 80 texts and then he'll respond..Or she'll call and call and he'll eventually call back.He has been calling me all day from work and wants to come home but I just can't go through this anymore..I want so badly to have him love me again but I know he loves her..he says he LOVED her and no longer does..But I don't buy it.I don't understand, if he loves her so much than why not make the full move? Just go and be with her..Seems as though he wants it all..Except for me..
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
I think you just need to list out your boundaries that he needs to adhere to and if he agrees, then he can come home.
New cell number. No Contact letter approved and mailed by you to OW. If OW contacts him or vice versa he needs to immediately tell you. If he fails to do so then you decide if he gets one strike before you kick him back out or not. Complete transparency in everything he does. MC if you choose. Any slip ups and he's out.
Anything else YOU decide YOU need to feel safe. If he can't agree to the things YOU require, then it's obvious he's not serious.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Well my life is like a soap opera..I need to write a book about this..The last 4 months have been Hell..On Thursday my H went to Queens to see the realtor to get his $500 deposit back that he put down on an apartment..Yet I found out he lied to me again!! He told me that it was over with the OW and that the last time he saw her was on March 23rd..I told him Wednesday night I would allow him to come home but if they had anymore contact at all he was out. He agreed. So I get a phone call from OW while my husband was driving to Queens. I found out that although there has not been any sexual contact the last month he wrote her letters, sent her texts and called her to come see the apartment he put money down on.How do I believe him anymore??? The reason she was calling me now was because once again he told her that they needed to make a clean break and she needed to stop calling him. She "suggested" I throw him out , that she doesn't want him anymore but he'll continue doing this, if not with her then with others. I told her I had 15 years invested, a home and children and it isn't her business what i decide to do. After that she got nasty and started sending me pictures via my cell of my Husband in all his glory..if you know what I mean?? She told me that if I called her Mother again she would send them to my family..So lo and behold on Friday morning at 5 Am she texts my husband saying Now that you have both disrespected my family I've disrespected yours. At first i had no idea what she meant, but then H said " go check the girls phones quick" So I go into my D's rooms and get their phones. She sent each of my daughters a picture of Their father's most private part! I had enough..I called the police who told me that she could most certainly be arrested, would lose her job and perhaps even make the news. She was sending pornographic material to a 10 and 13 yr old! So then H starts freaking out, he calls her and was visibly shaking , he was so angry and she thought it was a game.The police sent a squad car here so I could file a report, the whole time H is begging me to reconsider that this would destroy her life and he was afraid her family might retaliate against our family somehow and harm our kids. in the end I was the bigger person, I did not file the report but I called her while I spoke to the officer so she could hear the conversation and feel the reality of it all..I called her afterwards and told her I still have the phone, I've taken it away from my daughter and if she texts or calls us again I'll take it to the police..I really don't want to ruin this woman's entire life and if the sitch were revesred she would have had me arrested in a heartbeat.Now I ask you..if this doesn't make my H wake up and see how she really is then what will?? He says that after this he hates her and can't even look at her anymore and that he is disgusted..But yet I feel that I no longer even know this man..I've been telling him for months that she is insane and is only happy when she gets her way. he told me that for the last month he tried so hard staying away and that one night she showed up at 3Am to his job because he refused to speak to her..She has threatned suicide and I've seen how often she'll text and call..But i'm tired, so emotionally tired..Tomorrow I start school again at night..I've decided on a career change and hope to finish by 2009..I know I have to start workign on me..Now 4 months later H is saying all the things I've wanted him to say for months. " He wants our marriage to work" , He loves me and He wants to really work on us and our sex life..wow..what a concept..Yet part of me is afraid that he will always love her and i'll never make him happy again..I hate this..I am so confused..so for now I wait..
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
You know exactly what you're dealing with here. So what are you going to do about it?
If it were me, I'd file that police report now that there's been more contact. You need to defend your daughters and your family. There's no "being the better person" by NOT coming full-force against someone who is actively harming your family!!
