for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[seekpeaceofmind]

My high school boyfriend (HSBF) contacted me out of the blue a couple of days ago. Email to my work asking to meet for lunch sometime. This is someone who I think of sometimes when I need to be reminded what "not to do" in DB. We had dated the whole time I was in HS, but I broke up with him at graduation. He took it v badly and pursued for a couple of yrs. In the first few mos he acted out his pain with risky behavior. Suicide was mentioned. He and others made sure I knew how much I had hurt this poor guy. I was held responsible for his pain. I truly cared about him, but we were young and this was the choice that was right for me. Everyone - even my own parents - pressured to me feel selfish about this choice. This all turned me away from him even further. We had a brief reconciliation when I went to college, b/c I was homesick. Part of me knew even at the time that I was using him and I felt like a bad person. It did not cause me to want to be closer to him. We had no friendship after that. He pursued for about another year. His actions caused the opposite reactions in me and I wanted only for him to give up. So, when I think about doing something like calling H and pouring all of my pain out at his feet or begging him "why don't you love me as I love you" or writing him a letter explaining why his choices are so wrong to me or even trying to reach out with gifts or nice gestures - all I have to do is remember what happened when I was on the receiving end and how it turned me away from HSBF for DECADES.

So, here we are in the present. I think I have seen HSBF on 3 occasions over the past 30 years and each time I have still felt his pain as a barrier that friendship cannot cross. I don't know why he wants to see me. I know that my sister told him of my sitch. Maybe he wants closure now. Maybe he is ready to be friends. Who knows - I believe that he is happily married and a good guy, so I don't think he wants to see if there is any hope after all these years. But - here is the point of this long story - I don't really want to see him. B/c of this history and the negativity that I feel in response to him, I don't want to be in the position to feel yet more discomfort and guilt. I told him that I would see him, but only b/c I think I "owe" it to him - especially if he still needs closure after so much time has passed.

I realize that my H probably feels exactly the same way in relation to me and it is so hard to accept. I have such limited opportunity to see H and make him feel comfortable again to be around me. I was anxious when we tried to have lunch months ago and now I see him in 5 minute intervals on the rare occasions to exchange mail or a check. He came to the house on Saturday - w/o giving me a time of course - and I was out doing errands so I missed him. He thought I was deliberately avoiding him. I need for him to come here and move the rest of his stuff out and I really do not want to be here to watch 1/2 my life go out the door. But, maybe I should so that I can do the DB "act happy and confident" routine. I just don't think I could pull it off under those circumstances. How am I ever going to show H that he can turn back to me - that we could be good together again?