And as I just posted to SallyM, knowing much more completely about H's depth and length of R with OW (having spent much of last Sat night reading emails...) has served to bring me to the point of being able to look more realistically at 'dropping the rope' and moving more toward acceptance of the likely outcome of my M.
THere are just times, like now, in the still small hours of the night (about 12:30am here in OK...while I'm waiting for S18 to get home from a late catering job...) when I feel so sad about what's to come. Not so much the loss of this man now, who clearly has no love left for me (it will take a very long time to erase his words in those emails from my soul...they weren't ugly about me, but made it very clear that H feels he is "married to someone who told me that her actions were never meant to hurt me...and you [OW] know how I feel about how that relationship turned out...", but the loss of what was 21+ years ago, and what could have been.
We have failed our Ss, still the most precious thing in the world to both of us...and we have failed each other, at one time, equally precious.
L2, I hope you were able to coax some sleep. trust me, I understand those wee small hours of the morning...they can be tough. and while we won't have the lives we envisioned, and we feel like we failed our children, we also have the choice to really do well by them. just a different reality than our vision, but I firmly believe we have the power to make this impact our kids a lot, or have it impact them to a far lesser degree.
take care of yourself.
oh, and lwb, you are too sweet. I say stick with her, l2. if you are looking for a strong woman who truly defines the word lady, she is it.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Had a good session with my IC; 1st visit back with her in about 4 months...so i needed it. We talked a lot about self-care...really just GAL and PMA. THat's my assignment for next week...some short-term goal setting.
I head out on Thursday with S18 to go visit one of the colleges he's been accepted to... I'm looking forward to the time together with him; he's a kind, sensitive kid. I worry about how he will deal with what I'm assuming is to come on his own in a strange place (wherever he winds up will be far away from OK) I just want to give him as much love and support right now that I can.
In spite of my best intentions, I backslid a little tonight and checked H's email... already knew that he was with OW today at lunch (correct...) and there were flirty references for some big plan for Friday (when I'm out of town...) while S12 is in school. Niiice.... all I needed to go back to not snooping...I really don't want to find out what great plan they have for the day...
One of the other things I talked with IC about today is the fact that we are heading full steam ahead toward a college choice for S18...and H has said nothing to indicate any change in direction (that he will need to choose the one school that we can afford even if we are split up...) I have made the decision [at least for today and tonight] to leave this up to H. I have no knowledge about any of this likely separation except from snooping, and I'm just not ready to lay out those cards. H is going to have to be the one to explain it to me and to S18.
THen it's on to HS graduation and our trip to Europe...and then, who knows...
I have just read through your last few posts, Wow the S**T has really hit the fan for you. I know the feeling , there is a difference between suspecting and knowing and a real disapointment in putting all that energy in when this is the result. I also relate to the feeling of how much you could achieve together for your Boys and each other and the lost opportunities. My heart goes out to you having to deal with this stuff now.
OK now I am going to put a positive spin on this and as usual it will be simple.
Firstly while snooping is generaly not a good thing in this case I think its not so bad. At least you are fully informed and now know why your efforts have had no real results on the surface. While there is a A going on you are realy not going to get through to him. However in saying that he will be noticing you and the efforts you have made , just ignoring them for now.
This next bit is hard. Dont look back at could have, would have etc if you can. Just do the best you can in the current circumstances . This is old advice but focus on yourself and the Boys. Let him go. Then you have that figured out anyways
Quote:
Had a good session with my IC; 1st visit back with her in about 4 months...so i needed it. We talked a lot about self-care...really just GAL and PMA. THat's my assignment for next week...some short-term goal setting.
Here is the important bit. Accept that he will probably go . That may not be a bad thing long term. Now is the time to realy act as if , as your actions now and over the last few months will be the L most recent in your H's mind even if he trys not to see this.
If he leaves the Reality will not be what he is expecting .
I have to go to work now , back later , take care L
I am very tired this evening but will try to add something that may make some sense. Right now your H needs you to be the pre DB'ing you so that he can justify what he is doing . If the A does come out in the open you are going to get the " Its over " , " I dont love you " bla bla bla . There is not much you can do that will prevent this. Just remember believe none of what they say and half of what they do. One week after pouring her heart out to me with sorrow and " it rips my heart out when I see how I hurt you" ( W's words) W was shouting "its over " and throwing things at me . A off / A on .
Worrying about this stuff or trying to work out what is going on is therefore hopeless. The way your H reacts to you is often driven by factors that you have no idea about.
Stick with basic DB'ing for now. Validating , avoiding R talk etc , you know the drill. Other than that there is not a lot to be gained by puting any effort in to your H. Turn that energy in towards you and the boys , Leave H to work through his own mess.
I have even more thoughts but the Boys want food . Back later
Up early, a good night's sleep being pretty elusive these days, and thought I would catch up a little on things.
My trip with S18 to IA this weekend was pretty good...his visit to the college was a bit of a mixed bag, so there's still no decision made there yet on his part. As for H, still nary a blink as to the affordibility of all this. As I said earlier, I've made the decision to keep my lip buttoned on this; let him explain it, as well as figure out how to finance it, later.
Being still (which is certainly how I view myself right now) is getting harder for me right now. I find myself still struggling with snooping...wish there were a way to distinguish between useful info (about actual plans) versus just the stuff between them that turns my stomache.
I guess I really need to just stop, and let what's coming just come as it may. Hard to let go of that bit of control, though...of trying to be prepared, emotionally and mentally, for what's ahead.
In IC on Monday, letting some more of my anger about this bubble up...also good to have an outlet there.
I'm rambling...maybe I can coax a little more sleep before the real wakeup time.
Yuck...another awake in the middle of the night time for me.
Off to Houston today for BIL's wedding... should be fun to see lots of H's family, who I love dearly, but will be bittersweet as well, as I feel pretty confident this will be the last family function like this i'll be attending.
Oh well, it is what it is...and I will take joy in the moment as I can.
Intellectually, I know that this is not what i've just done this weekend; but on an emotional level i feel like I've just marched H that much closer to walking... Here's how;
We flew down to Houston on Friday to attend wedding for H's brother. Using lousy Mapquest directions, heading into downtown became confusing. H (driving) always gets easily agitated at things like this, typically in my (navigator) direction, so starts barking. We fairly easily got ourselves righted and to the hotel; then some confusion with the valet parking, and H is barking again about lowering the window. I said "Ok", and then under my breath (I thought) said "F...U" which, of course, he heard....and said "WHAT!" I apologized the next morning for the harshness of my language at him; that the stress of the situation didn't call for that kind of a response... but clear that damage was done... not a very mature way to set a boundary, huh?
Then on Sat. pm., S12 left rooftop pool to go get ready for wedding (all 3 guys in wedding). I was coming down a little later, intending to help get him ready. H calls, clearly irritated, wanting to know if I'm coming down to help out. I get there with about 20 minutes to go; H VERY frustrated, saying how he has to get himself and also 2 boys ready... this time (while I was thinking to myself...chill out) just said, gosh, I'm sorry, I thought this was enough time...which of course it was.
I'm just so tired of this; really starting to have a hard time acting 'as if' for another 6 weeks or so (at which time I'm assuming H will drop his 'moving out' bomb...)
When that time comes, I'm guessing there's going to be a very non-DB blow out on my part... I hope not, but I am so angry at the position he's going to be putting our Ss in that I don't know that i will be able to avoid it...
