Finding DB late in the game #4

[cw68]

Yeah, he specifically said that family time together is helpful and good for him so I definitely need to continue that.

Had a good therapy session today, though I swear most of it is spent focusing on my H. The upshot of that is that I am beginning to understand him more and after today's session, I'm convinced more than ever that his Mom and his childhood is definitely a big part of our problem. As my T said today, he doesn't know how to have a relationship but it's not just as I've thought with no parental role models around. His M has no boundaries and does not have close relationships with her sons, it's more like co-dependent relationships with him. My H took on the role of partner, protector without the benefit of being to be intimate with her (and I don't mean in a physical way). He doesn't know how to have an intimate relationship with someone, just a co-dependent one. He's always stuffed his own feelings inside himself so he wouldn't cause her more pain, more trouble, whatever. He needs to work that out before he can ever have a good, intimate partnership. I knew that his childhood and Mom were problematic, but today I saw some new stuff.

My T's recommendation was to pull back after his Mom leaves because he's going to be going through a lot emotionally. She kept calling their relationship "sticky" and after I told her about the dress that my MIL picked out for our wedding, she was aghast. (Don't remember if I've mentioned this, but her first dress was a long white lace dress which she described to me as something that someone her age would wear as a bride. I told her that I really didn't care what she wore as long as it wasn't white or light blue, the color of the bridesmaid dresses. She returned the matronly wedding dress and showed up in a white dress accented with light blue flowers. grrr. This was all after she offered to be my H's best man in the wedding. For real.)

OK, so I'm just journaling my appt here, but at some point during the session I told her that I'm fine with him working on himself, etc etc, but I do need a little for either me or us. Specifically I said, "I'm fine with him spending 90% of his time and effort on himself, but I need 10% towards me or us." and she recommended that I tell him that in those words. Timing is bad with him in Canada, then his Mom coming and then I need to pull back. I don't want to come back in full force with demands so I need to find a way to work it in before she leaves and let him think about it when I'm dim next week.

I guess I'm just antsy. I don't do well with waiting. My lesson, I know...