I had my second mediation session yesterday, and all I can say right now is that I am not very encouraged by it. It is proving to be a waste of time and money since I know we're going to end up in court anyway. I'll explain more later after I've had a little more time to ponder this aggravating and disheartening situation.
In addition I think W is intent on making me downright hate her, and she's doing a very good job at that if so.
I said that to H the other day (when he YET AGAIN stood me up. He was supposed to watch the girls so I could work, called me 10 minutes before I was leaving and said "I am not coming"). I said "I am trying so hard to not hate you, I really am. You want to be my friend? Prove it!" and hung up.
Sorry the mediator might not be the route to go for you guys? Have you tried to discuss this with W, that it might be a waste of money?
So sorry for you Nocode and lwb!!! I have noticed my H has been very nice lately. He was nice to me yesterday and today, (I finished the play today!) saying things like you'll do more plays with your friends there and stuff like that. He's been really responsible with the kids lately and everything! We're still separated, but I guess it's good. Hopefully your spouses will come out of their fogs too!
I do think mediation will not always work, and H and I will have some big issues like homeschooling (me in favor and him probably against) and that may change H into a less-nice guy when I am not 100% agreeing with him all the time! I agree with lwb I guess if mediation is not working, I wouldn't want to waste too much money on it. You probably have to have 2 somewhat agreeable people and your W doesn't sound like she would be very agreeable? I hope this all works out for you! Karen
I was going to make full report this evening, but S3 got sick and threw up all over his bed -- twice now since I started writing this. The first time, he projectile vomited a fountain that descended right back into his face just as I ran in the bedroom. He screeched in agony and disgust, and I rushed him into the shower/bathtub.
S3 got a second and third bath tonight and S7 got to complain to me of the stench in their bedroom. I'd been cleaning up the mess for well over an hour now when he tossed his cookies again.
I am proud I held it together however, as it was very bad. Normally I would have been retching myself.
I am a bit exhausted now. So all I will try to give are the "highlights" of this week.
I've been spending a lot of my time with the members from my DivorceCare support group. Aside from our regular Monday night meeting, we have met for dinner at a Mexican restaurant on Wednesday and gone to a Durham Bulls baseball game on Friday. On top of this I have been corresponding via email with a few of my new friends quite regularly.
My W and I continue to butt heads. And the mediation is getting to be pointless. The mediator, who W hired, gives any benefit of a legal doubt to W -- I guess I shouldn't be surprised. W continues to shed crocodile tears in front of teachers, counselors and legal representatives like the mediator whenever she gets a chance. I try to stay calm, but it infuriates me she still wants to act the victim.
Normally, the settling of the finances and the assets and debt between us would be the lesser of my concerns, but taken with their riding roughshod over me with regards to custody, I am about to cancel the whole deal. We left it with the mediator to try to work out a draft of the agreement, but I am inclined to tell this so-called mediator to cease and desist, as I have no confidence in her impartiality as a mediator. The more they keep working the numbers with regards to custody, the less custody I end up with. This is ridiculous and I have already told W that anything less than 50% is a deal breaker. We've now worked me and my sons backwards from 43% to 32%!
Several things were said between us while leaving the mediator's office and thereafter. Very anti-DB, but I don't care anymore. There is really so much more pent up inside of me that I'd like to lay on W for all the wrong she's done and is still doing, but that I must hold back.
A couple of times W made reference to the character Ben in the television series "Lost". She said I was like Ben in that once I was crossed, I could never forgive. I almost laughed in her face. If anyone has a problem with forgiveness it is she. W went on to say that this similarity to the television character made me, in her words, "evil".
W said more than once that all I want is for "someone to tell you what you want to hear", but it will never happen -- she thinks that I still want someone to tell me she is coming back to me. Hah! I laughed and told her I was way beyond that now. I replied that all I want now is what is right for our S's. I told her I do not want this person she has become in my life anymore, but for the sake of my sons I merely had wanted (past tense) to establish some form of peaceful existence with this person. I even told her at one point in one conversation that I don't know which demon from Hell was possessing her body, but I hoped that my former wife's soul was in heaven somewhere.
W complained at one point that I did not tell her I was taking a full vacation day on Friday. I asked why. She said it would have been nice to know that I was free the entire day. I asked, "Why? So you could claim my time for yourself? So you can try to use it for your own advantage?" W replied, "Now that's a perfect example of why I cannot live with you anymore. You just have to get so nasty and mean." Me: "What do you want? You said yourself we cannot be friends. You've made that perfectly clear. You continue to treat me with hatred and contempt no matter what. So now I've finally gotten it. We cannot be friends anymore." W: "We were never friends. Not really, not the way you treated me badly and abused me all the time we were together. You never loved me." Me:"Speak for yourself. You don't even know what love really is."
If you can't tell from my words, I've reached my limit. I am no longer DB'ing and am preparing for all-out war. Yes, I hate it. I hate what it's going to do to us, to my family, to my S's, to our finances. But that is the world we're headed in.
Asserting your rights does not = "all out war" It means stating what you want in a respectful way. Don't let her drag you down.
Bail on the mediation if you do not feel that they are mediating impartially. The idea behind mediation is impartiality.
Don't quit Dbing. Yes it did not help you marriage, or mine for that matter, but I know it helped me as a person and I am willing to bet Theo's collection of LOTR dolls that it helped you as well.
Bottom line is you need to stand tall and strong. If 50-50 is what you want then go after it. Do not let her hatred sway you. You can do this......you know that you can.....
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
I think you can choose a different mediator. Keep your lawyer, but find someone who is fair.
It's OK to feel your feelings. Sometimes anger is a healthy reaction to having our boundaries violated. But remember, she could just be pushing your buttons. Anger has a way of boomeranging back on us and making us lose ground. Avoiding anger is not really about "winning her back" it's about being decent, showing love, yet maintaining healthy boundaries.
As MC said, you can hold your ground in a kind and decent way.
And yes, your comments were a bit snarky.
Yes, I may have LOTR dolls, but, unlike, MC, I don't wear lime-green spandex.
W: "We were never friends. Not really, not the way you treated me badly and abused me all the time we were together. You never loved me." Me:"Speak for yourself. You don't even know what love really is."
If you can't tell from my words, I've reached my limit. I am no longer DB'ing and am preparing for all-out war. Yes, I hate it. I hate what it's going to do to us, to my family, to my S's, to our finances. But that is the world we're headed in.
I'm so sorry to hear of all this Nocode! I do think our spouses are messed-up, dysfunctional, and like to cast us as the "bad guy" like your W's comments you never were her friend & never loved her, and you abused her, etc. I know my H went through a really angry period where I was the bad guy (well he thought and treated me like I was), and he has commented recently he was under a lot of stress at the time and it made things seem horrible, I guess that he realizes really weren't in retrospect.
I think you should try to take the higher road and detach more from your W when she is spewing like that. I just think of your S's and how it will not be good for them to have 2 parents at war.
Since I have been DBing my H and I are pretty friendly now and I think that is good for the kids. You may never have that, but going to war with her seems like that wouldn't be good for your S's and really I don't think you either. I am standing up to my H and being more assertive, like I think you should say that her negative comments are inappropriate and you won't talk to her when she is being disrespectful to you like that. I think being assertive is good, but rude or aggressive is something I try to avoid anyway. Sorry I'm sounding kind of preachy today as usual, I guess! Karen
I appreciate everyone's concern and their offers of wisdom to me in this sitch. I really do. I know I have to guard against overreacting in my stance against W's offenses.
I think the only way through this now is to try to truly forget her, once and for all. She is forever lost, and nothing I, in particular, can say or do anything to change that.
I think the only way through this now is to try to truly forget her, once and for all. She is forever lost, and nothing I, in particular, can say or do anything to change that.
This is hard to accept about the people that we married, isn't it? nocode, you deserve so much more and for that I am sorry!!
We can't seem to DB ourselves out of this paper bag, huh??
Karen
I have noticed my H has been very nice lately. He was nice to me yesterday and today, (I finished the play today!) saying things like you'll do more plays with your friends there and stuff like that. He's been really responsible with the kids lately and everything! We're still separated, but I guess it's good. Hopefully your spouses will come out of their fogs too!