Cagz is really moving ahead Wierd...

[cagzmom]

Cat- the grieving is weird isn't it. It comes on at the wierdest times and at the time when you think you are ok.

Today was a weird hard day. I have had to come to terms with the fact that ow is a beaaaaaaaaaaaaaauch BUT be thankful that she is not mean to d11. today a friend reminded me something very important...I call them coming home from h's detoxing...we have ot get back to reality...and i feel taht is true. what she reminded me was this----- that if ow was mean i would have to deal with her emotional side, the saddness etc. Now all i have to deal with is the guilt that d11 feels because she does or doesnt do what she "thinks" she is suppose to do right.

the guilt on teh kids has got to be hell!! Some day - when we are through this i would love to really really be able to talk to d11 and s19 and find out what they really really went through. i am sure it is different and worse then i can even imagine.

H -- he was at the softball game tonight-- hate it when he looks "good" to me he is almost always very attractive..he is not ugly - hate that!! anyway---- i stayed away and i have to say it felt good....i feel good. staying away it is a good thing. of course there is all of hte "i wish he would say he was wrong sorry and all that garbage that gets us know where."

d11 had a great hit and when she came into home plate she ran over and we did the hug and pound and all the fun stuff we do....anyway h -- i could see him beyond my hug to d11 -- he did hte stupid smile...like the guilty happy smile. OH HOW i wish he would just realize what he walked away from ... we had such a great family--- dont get me wrong I am not doing what i did in the beginning...but what i am saying is this...family - love- kids- dogs the whole nine yards it is a blessing and brings something that you don't get when you aren't there...and that is what i am tlaking about. He LEFT adn lost....i hope some day 2 thigns happen. #1 that he will realzie what he walked away from and finally hit bottom and start to work on himself...and #2 I will finally get it that he walked away and that i am okay.

sorry to put so much on one post jsut lots going on through this mind of mine.