Does your H help with the changes or just demand them? Maybe if you two worked together then it would be less overwhelming.
He has helped with a LOT already. Mostly improvements to the house - ie, the garage (he wants to turn it into his "man-cave" ), and the fence needed some repairing. A couple of coworkers helped him out with that stuff.
I cleared out the closets and reorganized them after he moved back in, I've been fixing homecooked meals much more (again, picking up take-out/fast food has been really convenient because of schedules), I'm trying to stay on top of the kids as far as what they need to start doing by giving them chores and having them help me out with simple household duties (I have always done it all myself), and I spruced up the front porch - new seating and potted plants. I wanted to do that even before H came back but didn't want to spend the money in case we had to put the house on the market (it sucks to fix up your home only because you plan to sell it - makes me nostalgic and teary-eyed ).
I can handle his "gripes" about certain other things in the house that he would like to see improved, but I just need him to be "nicer" about it. I need him to communicate with me on "friendly" terms. Not sound so p*ssed off and demanding all the time. His explanation is that he works his butt off - which he does - and he expects to come home to an organized house.
My house is not a wreck, and it IS organized. It's just not together the way H would like to see it.
Example: I have a drawer in the kitchen that holds all of my cooking utensils. They're all in there, but the problem for my H is that they are not organized in dividers/compartments/plastic utensil trays, whatever you call them. To H, it is a chaotic, jumbled mess. To me, it is not. They're where they belong, they're put away, and I know where everything is. I realize he doesn't, so ok.
Also, my H lives off of Gatorade. I don't regularly buy it because I don't drink it, and the boys have always had whatever I bought. Juice, milk, water, whatever. Anyway, H expects the fridge to have a constant supply of Gatorade. That's fine. I don't have a problem getting it for him. I just have to remember how important this is to him, and I have to make it part of my "routine", KWIM? I've got to stay on top of it, just like a million other things.
Well, if I forget, as was the case yesterday, I would like for him to say to me, "Hey, (GF)? We're out of Gatorade. Would you mind getting some for me today please?" "Sure, H, no problem. I'm sorry about that."
What I DON'T want to hear is what I heard yesterday morning: H staring into the fridge saying, "No Gatorade.....Guess I'll have to make some time during my busy day to get some." Don't forget to insert p*ssy, sarcastic tone.
When I get that attitude from him, then I don't want to do anything for him. Stubborn? Probably. But if he could just be more patient and know that change takes time for everyone, I think we could do better and act better towards one another.
Originally Posted By: MichelleLT
Sounds like you are figuring out some communication techniques that are working!
H won't even consider any kind of C or help with communication, so I have to figure this out myself, and it is really tough.
But I'm trying!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
What I DON'T want to hear is what I heard yesterday morning: H staring into the fridge saying, "No Gatorade.....Guess I'll have to make some time during my busy day to get some." Don't forget to insert p*ssy, sarcastic tone.
When I get that attitude from him, then I don't want to do anything for him. Stubborn? Probably. But if he could just be more patient and know that change takes time for everyone, I think we could do better and act better towards one another.
Yeah, I think we can all do with a bit more goodwill towards each other. Cuz we sure as hell would treat strangers better than that.
You are doing great though.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Yesterday was good. Very good, actually . No tension, no nothing. Just good energy and pleasant vibes all the way around.
Went through all the kitchen drawers and got rid of some more stuff we really didn't need. They appear to be less 'cluttered' now. H noticed it when he got home from work and said, "Wow! Looks pretty good." I told him I would be going to buy some more dividers so that it would be even more organized. He seemed to really like that idea and even told me where to go for them - the 99 cent store !
For dinner, I grilled some chicken and steamed carrots and asparagus. H said thanks, he really appreciated it. He made sure the kids said thank you as well. After cleaning up the kitchen, I suddenly had the urge to bake, so I decided to make some brownie bites. They were nearly gone within an hour , thanks to H and the boys! I only had one out of two dozen ! So I had to bake a cake ! S12's favorite - yellow cake with whipped milk chocolate frosting. Yum!
I also stopped at the store yesterday and picked up Gatorade for H. Just a couple though because the place I went to yesterday wanted $2 for just one Gatorade. I'm going to another store today where I can get them for a buck a piece. Since H drinks them everyday, I usually buy 20 at a time, and that only lasts about a week! Anyway, H saw the drinks in the fridge and asked who they were for since there were only a couple. I told him they were for him. I had only picked up a couple and planned to go elsewhere for more, but I wanted there to be at least one or two in the fridge for him now. H smiled, "Those are for me?" "Yes." "Thanks, I appreciate that !"
A couple of H's buddies were over last evening, too, but they mostly hung out in the garage (sorry, the "man cave" ). H came inside from time to time to thank me again and again for everything I did today - cleaning out the kitchen drawers, fixing dinner, the brownies and cake. Even gave me a couple of hugs and made a comment when I was bending over!
Today, I have to go to Lowe's and check out new shower doors for our bathroom. H went to Home Depot but couldn't find any that he liked nor any that were the right size, so he asked me to go to Lowe's today. Gotta be sure to get more Gatorade, of course, as well as the drawer dividers.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Sounds like he is finally realizing you do actually listen to him.
And perhaps he actually is listening to you a little bit more too.
I am a huge gatorade drinker as well, but the premixed bottles are very expensive. I buy the powder and mix my own. Perhaps you could even just buy a bottle of powder and toss it in the pantry in case you run out of the other stuff - or would he not drink it?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Sounds like he is finally realizing you do actually listen to him.
Yeah, hopefully.....and hopefully I continue to do so!
Funny you should mention the powdered mix. I came across some in the pantry last night! I didn't buy it, never had a reason to before, so H must have purchased it very recently.
Now I just have to buy a new pitcher. Somehow the one I already had made its way outside to fix mud pies , and it's remained out there in the toy box ever since!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Wow GF, sounds like a great day. I am glad that he noticed the things you did, and it sounds like he really appreciated it. It makes it a lot easier to do things for other people when they are appreciative!
I think the powdered gatorade sounds like a good idea, it could just be there for a backup.
Now GF what has your H done to show YOU that he is listening to your needs and desires. It's great that he appreciates the 'changes' you made for him but don't let it be one-sided.
Take care
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
GF sounds like a lot of positive progress. Good for you!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
), and the fence needed some repairing. A couple of coworkers helped him out with that stuff.
)))))
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! So I had to bake a cake 
