Hey Sara - I haven't posted in awhile, but I've been following along...I think your H needs to prove soem things to you before you move anywhere. You still don't know what is going on with him. Has he agreed to counseling yet? How about Retrouvaille? Is he willing to keep to strict time schedules with you such as "I am going out and will be home at 10. I will be at such and such a place" And stick to that? You need to figure out what you need to make this situation ok and then ask for it. I wouldn't move anywhere if I were you. He wants you back in the bedroom, great, acknowledge that you'd like that, too, but he has some work to do first - make him earn it. Make sure he knows that you are willing to work on this, but it's going to take time. I'm not convinced that he isn't seeing someone else. That roses story was way too unconvincing - don't swallow the BS. Don't believe what he says, believe his actions. You can't trust his words right now. If he loves you, like he says he does, his actions will follow. (((((SARA)))))
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Hello, Star. I've never posted, but I've followed your very heartbreaking situation. I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. I think your H is reaching out to you and it's great that he told you he loves you. My H and I haven't said ILY since November. =(
I don't know, I might take your H up on the offer to move back in to the bedroom. It could be an opening that doesn't present itself again and I way to open up your H to work on your marriage.
Wishing you peace of mind, girlfromipanema
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
He tells me that he knows he has lied to me in the past and I have no reason to believe him this time, but he swears there isn't another woman. He just hasn't felt like coming home and has been wanting to get out of the house. He is sorry that it upsets me so much.
Possible and a positive communication if it's true. He may actually be coming back.
Quote:
He again swears that there isn't another woman and I am getting worked up for no real reason.
This is have a BIG problem with. It is a VERY real reason - he betrayed you and lied to you. He needs to wrap his brain around that. You are entitled to your feelings and him dismissing them like that is completely not cool.
Perhaps you should go dark, perhaps you should move back into the bedroom. That's your decision.
But I think one thing that may need to happen is that he gets flat-out told that because of the past you get very anxious and worried when he is late and then it would make you feel much better if he would call you and update you. Eg. a second text saying "gotta run to a second store, home in XX min."
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
He is willing to tell me where he is going. I need to try to talk to him about keeping things a little better in line. I appreciated him telling me he was going to Walmart after his walk. However, I need him to take that a step further and tell me that he is still at Walmart an hour later or whatever the case is. The issue is that he has always felt like I have "mothered" him. Which I agree is an issue I have with him. I do treat him like a child for most of our marriage. I have been trying to stop that.
I am not ready to move back into the bedroom at this point. I am also not totally convienced that he isn't seeing someone else. My mind about that changes from moment to moment. He says that he got POed at me after I left a mean message on his voice mail about finding the receipt for the rose and he threw it away. This is possible, I guess.
I think that as a 180, I am going to live as if he ISN'T having an affair, although my guard is up in my mind. I am not going to call him if he is late and I am not going to scold him if I find "something" that doesn't add up. Not totally going dark, but being cool is what I am thinking.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I think that is a good plan for both your sanity and as a 180 to address his "mothering" concerns.
However, I think a simple statement of, I won't be calling and checking up on you, but I get anxious if you are late and would appreciate you choosing to update me" is not unwarranted.
Kris and I came up with a great analogy - WASs are like florescent light bulbs. They sometimes flicker a few times before they actually come on.
Perhaps he needs to hear it clearly one more time to "get" it?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I think that is a good plan for both your sanity and as a 180 to address his "mothering" concerns.
However, I think a simple statement of, I won't be calling and checking up on you, but I get anxious if you are late and would appreciate you choosing to update me" is not unwarranted.
That sounds good! I always love reading your posts, Michelle! Karen
I think that what Michelle says is very smart. Tell him how it makes you feel and then sit back and see what changes.
Play it cool, but go with your gut.
Hang in there.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Yes Michelle that does sound like great advice. My H has always been a little bit of a dim bulb before all of this went down. He did leave me a note just now that says "I am working out" He works out everyday at this time, but it is nice to have a note that says that. I will try to talk to him soon about letting me know when he expects to be home and whatnot. I think I have made some HUGE changes in not mothering him. I still need to work on it. My IC has been really helpful with me in that regards.
Another issue with my H in that he is really spontaneous. He doesn't always know where he is going to be or what he is going to do until the mood hits him. I totally respect that in him, and is somethign that made me fall in love with him since I am not like that. But still...if he changes his plans, I would like to know.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
However, I think a simple statement of, I won't be calling and checking up on you, but I get anxious if you are late and would appreciate you choosing to update me" is not unwarranted.
Excellent advice, Michelle.
Also, as Dr. Shirley Glass says in her book ("Not Just Friends"), tell your H that "it's not fair to create worry." I wouldn't tell him that you worry about him being with someone else. Just that anything could happen, you know? He could've had an accident, a flat tire, anything.
You're doing well, Sara. Hang in there.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Karen