To agree to a D or not..... that is the question

[almosthopeful]

Now is your chance to make every interaction with your S15 a positive, fun one. Do something interesting each week with him. You can be the fun parent now, and not 'the enforcer'. You and D12 can have lots of girlie time now too, without too much stress over what S15 is up to.

You are going to be fine ... more than fine. I can tell!

Too true, good one, beingme. How nice it will be NOT to have to be the killjoy all the time, Alison.

[ACJ]

How nice it will be NOT to have to be the killjoy all the time, Alison

Precisely!

I even alluded to this when I was talking to S15 on Sunday night. I said his dad 'was lucky that he was the bolt hole when the going got tough'. I nearly added that I wished I was but didn't bother they both knew what I meant.

This is going to be an interesting few days. Already my H has been forced to speak to me at least once every day for the last 3 days.

He annoyed me a little this morning when I sent him an email (as promised) with the timings for the Sports Awards on Thursday and also about a meeting tonight about D12s holiday with school. He sent a read receipt but not an actual reply. I let it go.

I got home about half an hour ago and D12 had left me a note to say S15s music teacher had rung and I needed to ring back. I tried to ring her to tell her she had to speak to H but the school reception was closed. So I rang S15 to try and find out why she might be ringing me (as if I couldn't guess). I didn't get that far. After I asked him how his day was I asked where he was currently and he said his dad's. He told me that D18 and H were also there. So w/o asking my original question I asked to speak to H. I told him about the note and that school was still closed. He asked for the number of school. I nearly told him to look it up in the phone book but then I remembered that I want positive communication to come out of this so I gave it to him. He then said that he was going to be out of town in a meeting all day tomorrow and was leaving at 6.30am. There was a short silence where I think he expected me to say 'don't worry darling i will do it'. I didn't so he said I suppose I could ring at lunchtime and I agreed that was a good idea. If he wants this responsibility he has to take all that goes with it.


My brother rang me this morning just as I was on my way out to work. He had obviously spoken to my parents about the weekend b/c he said my dad had told him that I thought BRO had left b/c of something I had done. I knew this wouldn't be the truth and said so. He immediately started raising his voice so I told him I already had one infantile man in my life and I didn't have room for another one. I told him to sort out his R with our mum and to keep me out of it. I pointed out that although my mum and I have our differences we don't fall out every time we see each other like he does with her. He wasn't best pleased. For some reason he still has that juvenile jealousy that young siblings have of each other. He saw my dad give me money for the taxi on Saturday night when it was all kicking off and alluded to it this morning. I had to choke back the laugh. I just said I'm more than capable of paying my own way and gave my dad the money back on Sunday and that if he's stuck around long enough he would've known that. My little brother is a prime candidate for MLC right now. I feel like pointing my SIL in the direction of this BB before it happens so she knows what to look out for!

Enough of me.

[BeingMe]

He immediately started raising his voice so I told him I already had one infantile man in my life and I didn't have room for another one.

I had to giggle here!

[ACJ]

I'm struggling tonight. I am missing my son.

I've spoken to him three times today. The longest was a few minutes ago when I rang him to say goodnight. He was in Hs car on the way back from his GFs. H is, at the moment, pulling out all the stops. Normally S15 walks to his GFs. Even if I suggest taking him he isn't that keen and he certainly doesn't want me picking him up. Admittedly Hs flat is a little further away. It's annoying me that he is doing this. I know he wouldn't have done it had he still been at home with his complete family. The only consolation I have is that the more time H spends ferrying S15 about the less time he is spending with OW. No doubt she will get fed up of it soon and demand some attention.

This really is hard. It's almost like H leaving all over again, especially the first time he left b/c that time I asked him to leave. Given that S15 had to be co-erced to go live with H this week there is a very strong correlation and it's eating away at me.

[naej]

Alison, I am so sorry ((((hugs)))))))).
Listen to me this is your son NOT your H. Why are you doing this to yourself? guilt?for what ? the only thing I see you guilty of is trying to be the best mum you can be in the midst of terrible circumstances.
You must separate your thoughts of son and husband. Yes he is pulling out all the stops thats easy on day one, wait awhile and be patient. Did you really need to ring 3 times. Step back give yourself some respite from them both.
I have 2 sons, I admit they didn,t cause me grief but I do know lots of parents whose kids did and do. Your son will be lapping this up for now,boys of 15yrs are short on finer feelings,its me me me. He is playing you Alison and you are going to have to DB him as well as H.
Do not even concern yourself about what the ow is thinking. Your son has gone to live with his Dad for sons sake, not to help break up his Dads affair. It might cause problems but they are not your problems.
Concentrate on your girls, otherwise you will be in the firing line from them saying things like " you worry about son when he's here causing trouble and problems and now your worrying about him when he's gone" what about us.
So you asked H to leave the first time around-for what leaving his socks around? no I guess not. I am sure you had reasons but you haven,t come to terms with that. He left the second time because he chose to. He is an adult, your son may thik he is an adult but he is very much a child still. This may be his last chance to get himself on the straight and narrow and prepare for his adult life by getting a good education, you know this and yes it hurts that it may be H that helps him do it but if thats what it takes so be it. You have to bare this burden too for sons sake.
try and keep extra busy and take care of the girls and you. It may not be a very long stay and then youll be thinking why did I not do so and so whilst I had the chance.
Stay strong.

[ACJ]

Thanks naej. I know all you say is true. Like any change it will take some readjusting to.

Did you really need to ring 3 times

I promised myself when my children were born that I would always say good morning and goodnight to them. That accounts for two of the occassions. The third one only occurred b/c of the phone call from school. (Before anyone says it - no I will not be a mother who cannot let go when her children leave home to live with thier partners)

[naej]

I just wish my kids would let go of me now they all live away.
Why do they all call when I am almost to the end of programme I have watched for weeks and I miss the end!!!
I haven't even got a video!

I think the promise you made my have been broken a few times A, but maybe a text-after all he hasn't left the country just a few miles away and you don't want to be seen as an overpowering mum or son to feel he's a mummies boy.
Yes change is hard. I so know this says the person who 4 years on was still buying her husbands favourite bacon-til a friend asked what sort do you like? so you see I have every sympathy with you.

[almosthopeful]

I just wish my kids would let go of me now they all live away.
Why do they all call when I am almost to the end of programme I have watched for weeks and I miss the end!!!
I haven't even got a video!

LOL, Naej, there is no escaping this...my parents do this to me, also XH! Do you think it is a plot!!

Thanks for the laugh.

AH

[cat03]

[quote=naej]H spends ferrying S15 about the less time he is spending with OW

ACJ, honey, he choose a life with her and will stay with her for who knows how long, they spend enough time together as it is, please accept this.

[ACJ]

Cat don't worry I accepted Hs R with OW a long time ago. I just know from snippets that the kids have told me in the past that this is what happens.