i'm clueless....

[Dom R]

Hi Dom... for me, they both fit into both categories...

you're right. So, maybe some clarification from me is in order.

The following statements/attitude from you, is sometimes pinpointed as a "problem" within marriage, by MCs:

To me, things that effect him, directly effect me. It doesn't matter if it's something like taking medicine or spending family time or going to MC or whatever. If i want things to happen, i HAVE to take responsibility for them, no matter how big or small.

Yes, all those things DO affect you.
As I said previously, some of them are not your responsability.
However, let me put it another, stronger way:

For some of those things;
Not only are they not your responsibility: They are not your choice to make!

In that context.. you might ask him to make a difference choice than the one he is making now.. however, you do not have a right to expect that he change. It is His Choice, not yours.

In that context, not only is "dropping the rope" in those areas healthier for you... but it is more respectful to him, in that it recognizes it is his choice to make.

Contrariwise, it is disrespectful, if you try to force him to do things your way, in an area that is his choice to make.

Big areas in this category:

• Him spending more time with your children
• Him looking after his body, taking medication, going to doctor, etc

Yes, it is painful when our spouse choses paths for themselves that we would rather they not follow. But we still need to accept their choices about themselves. If he ASKS you for help with medication, etc. that is one thing. But taking that on yourself, unilaterally, is very different.

Recognizing his right to choose things for himself, is a hugely important thing, mentioned in many different marriage counselling philosophies, in different ways.

One being, "you can only control yourself".

BTW: as far as less critical, potentially "joint" stuff, like laundry:
Weeell... there's various strategies about that, that you havent tried. I'll leave some tips that I've read about on that, for another time though