Back off on the snooping - and I include "over the shoulder reading her email" in that. If I read your posts correctly, everything that you discovered was from OM1 and OM2 to your W, not from her to either of them. So, what, now she is guilty if she even reads an email from one of them, whether she asked for it or not?
OK, you know they are pursuing her - so what did you learn new? Not a thing. But you did undermine her trust for you a little bit. Was it worth it?
On OM1 and the bump... Forgive me if I missed something, but has the baby's paternity been determined? What I'm saying is - if he may be the father, then his interest in it is not surprising. In fact, I would be surprised if he was not interested.
As far as who gets to touch her belly - well, people have very different attitudes and feelings about this, as saffie pointed out. Some women find people feeling their baby kick to be an incredible invasion of privacy, and other women think it is the most wonderful thing to be shared with practically anyone they meet on the street. Your posts are all about how you feel on this topic - but how does your wife feel? Not specifically about OM touching her belly, but about anyone touching her belly? Perhaps this is one happy thing in her life right now, that gives her great joy, and she perceives that you are getting all possessive and controlling about it. That may be way off base - but something to think about....
The bottom line - give your W some space to figure this out. Don't push, don't pursue. I think you are making terrific progress, so try to relax and let her CHOOSE to come back to you rather than forcing the issue.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
If I read your posts correctly, everything that you discovered was from OM1 and OM2 to your W, not from her to either of them
Mostly yes I guess.
Quote:
On OM1 and the bump... Forgive me if I missed something, but has the baby's paternity been determined? What I'm saying is - if he may be the father, then his interest in it is not surprising. In fact, I would be surprised if he was not interested
This is the key point as to why I dont want him near it, I am sure you can understand. He made a choice to not take responsibility for the unprotected sex. `cant give you what you (W) want` were his words. Fine... OK.... well p*#s off then!! I am of a mind now to not get the DNA test. For M to survive in my mind we have to leave this in the past and move on. If we do a DNA test and find out it is his, then it is physical proof that will be with me for the rest of my life that W cheated and carried another mans baby. I dont even know if I could feel the same about the child. You may think I am burying my head in the sand here, but hey if it works for ostriches!
You are right, I did not gain anything from the snoop, except a bit of heartache.
I will back off and let her choose.
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
You may think I am burying my head in the sand here, but hey if it works for ostriches!
OK, let's play this scenario out a bit further, just to see where it takes us. Just for the sake of discussion:
Suppose W does not encourage OM1.
Suppose OM1 keeps pursuing in spite of this.
Suppose, after the baby is born, OM1 decides that the baby is probably his (make up whatever reason you want - the baby's eyes remind him of his Great Aunt Ethel.)
Suppose OM1 gets a lawyer and somehow sues to get a paternity test done.
What I'm saying here is, this is a pretty darned complicated situation. OM1 could believe he has a "legitimate" claim to stay involved with the baby. If that's the case, I worry that burying your head in the sand could backfire on you in the long run.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I just dont know. I dont want to do it. At least not soon, I am not ready if it is bad news.
I had wanted W to tell OM we had done it and it had been proved to be mine anyway.
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
My real point is not about the baby - you can get the test done or not, when you feel the time is right. My advice to you: Consider accepting the baby, regardless of who the father is. After all, the baby's mother is the person you love and want to spend your life with - and isn't that what's really important?
My real point is about OM1 - if you set your hopes on him just vanishing from the scene in a puff of smoke, particularly in light of the paternity question, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
What is it I keep telling you? Focus on yourself to be happy - not on W, not on OM1, not on OM2, not even on the baby. It all starts with Happy Steve.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I think that as things have been getting better (and W have been getting a bit sicker recently), I have stopped GAL and concentrating on me. I think that I need to keep this up a little still.
I am not hoping that OM will just vanish in a puff of smoke, but I am hoping that over time he will fade to nothing. Coupled with a possible move back to Japan, should see me safe! lol.
I am getting a bit worried about things after the baby is born, and that is still 20 weeks away, so plenty of time for things to change between now and then anyway.
Of course I will love the baby no matter what, but I am sure you can see my point about it being somewhat `different`. I am still sure in my heart that it is mine anyway, DNA and all. Just my head that tells me to worry.
One other thing that I knew W had said to OM, and to me. She cant think about other people at the moment, she is busy in work, her bodies condition is getting worse, her migraines are getting worse... so she cannot think about too many things. She is just thinking about her and the baby. SO I guess that she is in a holding pattern at the moment. Dosnt want to deal with the wrench of letting OM go (or me?) at the moment. SO when she gets better she may be more inclined to do something about the sitch. All I can do is keep making myself the more attractive option. W has also echoed what Saffie said, in that she needs someone who can take care of her at the moment, and that is not OM. ALl she wants from OM is to make her smile and laugh and have a good time with. This sets me in the role of servant a little, but I know I am more than that to her.
Keep working on me. I know that I can do this. I know that I am going to get that kiss. I am going to say before the end of June. If I dont then I will do a forfeit!
We are both looking forward to our break next week. Going to reeellaaaxxx.
Cheers
Steve
PS I am surprised that I havent `gone off at the deep end` yet! Look at the key words in my sitch. OM1 and OM2. Paternity testing, W having ongoing EA, had a breif PA! Guess there is a bit of James Bond in me yet, holding this all together. Not only holding, but also improving!
Last edited by steve477; 04/23/0806:26 AM.
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
