I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
MG this is my 4th thread. This is what happened last night.
H came by last night and I was in the BR watching TV. He came in and asked what I was watching. We had a little chat about money but he was getting a little sarcastic so I told that I didn't want to argue with him. We solved the little issue and then he mentioned he has an appointment to see his 2nd doctor (this is the one who gave him AD). He said that she will want to talk about the factors that led him to want a D but he says his mind is made up and there's nothing anyone can say to him or they can talk about to change his mind (my stubborn scorpio).
Later in the evening I called him and we kinda had a nice chat. He was saying that he wasn't happy with me and it wasn't all me and that he wanted to make himself happy in order to make the people he loves happy. He told me that the way my parents are and the relationship I have with them really makes him upset and annoyed. My mom and dad do NOT have a very healthy R and he can see us in them and it's not what he wants for us. He says we need be apart to grow.
I was really listening to him and I did validate him a couple of times with "sorry to hear that" and "sorry you feel that way".
The more I control him the further he goes. He even told me that my actions were pushing him away and that one of the reasons he left was because I was so controlling and he felt he didn't have ownership over his time.
Where do I go from here? Last night will be the last time I'll ask him about anything R related. I also will not talk about issues that let to our S. I will live in the present not the past. Him and D leave for Miami/Orlando on Saturday and I want us all to have a nice positive 4 days and when they get back I hope to have a new perspective and plan.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Hey Jen, Just catching up on your sitch. As for the text being rude, I don't think it was. I think H had some expectations about how you would be, and you weren't that at all. Sounds like it made him mad. That isn't your fault. That is him. I can see that you have moved on from that a bit. I think you are trying to look at things in a more healthy way. I can totally relate to the "controlling" issues you describe. I think I have been like that with my H. I know that if we ever reconcile it is one of the main things I want to change about our R. I don't like having to be in charge any more than he likes me being controlling. That is a BIG issue in our M. Good luck when they get back into town. Just keep up the PMA and surprise him a little with it. He probably won't expect you to be in a great mood. Show him that your moods don't depend on him.
Thanks for the input and support Edge. He got a little upset about 3 weeks ago when I didn't answer his calls (a friend was with him told me and thought it was quite funny that H say he doesn't want anything with me but was upset that I didn't answer the calls)
They leave this Sat.(April 26) and return next Sat.(May 3). I have 4 days before they go to be positive and supportive (among other things) and then a week to focus on me because I'll be here by myself while they're gone. I think next week will be good for me. Less stress and more relaxation.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I think next week will be good for you too. Good idea for the next four days and then next week you can do whatever you want to do without worry of upsetting anyone else.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
It went well with H, I think. You didn't let yourself be provocked into arguing with him, good job!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
I was really listening to him and I did validate him a couple of times with "sorry to hear that" and "sorry you feel that way".
The more I control him the further he goes. He even told me that my actions were pushing him away and that one of the reasons he left was because I was so controlling and he felt he didn't have ownership over his time.
Hi Jen! Great job on the validating!
As for the controlling issue, I heard the EXACT same things from my H. Although there may be some truth to their comments, it seems to me this is pretty typical WAS spew.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I agree- great job on the validating. I really like the plan of not having any more R talks and focussing on yourself while H and D are away. Have you got any plans made?
What H said about being upset that you didn't return his calls really struck a chord with me- it's funny how the WAS on the one hand don't want anything to do with us, and on the other get upset if we don't have so much to do with them. My H was exactly the same earlier in our S- wanted space then complained when I gave it to him.
Hope you're having a good day today!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I don't know if you guys remember my fist thread where I told everyone that H had an EA in January with a student. I came across a MSN chat between them and then when H left in early Feb. I confronted him. He said it was nothing and that it was a moment of vulerability that was over before it started. I believed him and tried to move past it. It was difficult and I made sure that he didn't continue to teach the class. I arranged for another teacher.
Well, I found out last weekend that they went to the movies together and he's been doing favors for her every now and again. They've had lunch, one evening before he left our home he "accidently" met her at McDonalds with D and her D, he calls her on weekends and he's seen her and her D. He told me all this.
On Thursday I told him that I wanted him to stop calling her. he promised he would but that I also needed to drop it and let it go to be able to focus on the real issues. I promised too.
I can't let it go. Today she called him and he was so sweet on the phone. I got so angry. He refused to talk to me and then we fought. I feel like there's something else there. He says she's decided to commit to her M and to try and resolve their problems. Great right?! Well why is she calling my H? She finds reasons to talk to him. Maybe H gives her attention her H can't/doesn't? If its just a friendship then why doesn't her H know they're friends? Why should she get to have her H and be friends with mine?
I am so POed right now.
I don't understand whats going on. I want to believe my H and I know he's sorry for what happened in January but what is he hanging on to? Why does he choose to befriend her?
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
