For the guys with kids and a WAW

[hopeful4her]

WW suckered me into a another talk, last night. Things were going well, then S14 biological father called to explain that S14 was to stand in a quincanera (thats like a debut, for mexicanos. She was upset that he talked to me, only. Like we are leaving her out. I had to become the go between along time ago, because they fight everytime they talk. I accepted this, and reminded her that it was her decision to put me in that position. We then talked about S14 deciding to leave to live w/his father come summertime. Somehow the talk turned to us.
She asked what I was planning on doing. I told her I don't really want to talk about this stuff, but she said that we were going to have to at some point. She asked if I was going to fight for the girls. I told her my plan was to try to work on my marriage and fight to keep the family intact. She said that wasn't going to happen. I told her that if she is going to continue to be with someone else, I have told her my plans to protect myself. I tell her that I cannot control her, never have. I talk about the changes that I have made for myself. The kind of person I want to be for myself and my kids. God works on me everyday. I explain the stuff that I have learned about. Being addicted to him. He is not better, just different. Its easy with him, because there is no stress involved. Just the good stuff. Addiction to the initial stage of love, but it doesn't last, never does. How there is no chance at all because of him. Zero. If he's not in the picture, our chances would go to a least 50/50. She says what if it is better with him.I say what if it isn't. What price are you willing to pay to find out you were wrong. I told her I missed her being my best friend. The talks, the just being comfortable together. I told her I loved her to death. She told me she knew that I had stopped my check. I said if you want to. I told how she had told me once that she was going to get her ducks in a row, and that I was only doing the same.
She told how it didn't seem like I wanted it to work how I act sometimes. How I act. What did she expect? I told her, yes, I get in crazy moods because of her, but not anymore. I control my feelings and emotions, not her. I will no longer let her control how I feel. I have to protect my heart, but make no mistake. I want us to work on our family, our relationship and get counseling. I tell her that I see the struggle within her. How she fights inside herself. I let her know that sometimes I just want to give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be ok. She is just taking it all in. She says that I have made all these changes that she prayed for years would happen. All the years that I didn't give my full attention to the kids. I accept the part I played or didn't play in their lives. But that is not who I am anymore. She starts to blame me for S14 leaving. If I was more of a man to teach him. She is just thinking of the sports stuff that his dad does with him. I tell her that he is leaving because of what we are doing. Because of how he sees us as hipocrits in our faith. She says that he will miss what he has, and I agree. She should hear herself talk.
After some silence, she says that I won't forgive her, so why even try. I tell her I forgive her. She gives a look with tears stream down. I tell her to look at me and I repeat that I do forgive her. I have learned to do that. Tears are now coming from me. I tell her that forgiveness is a full circle. For forgiveness to be complete, one has to forgive, but the other has to want to be forgiven.
Phone rings, and breaks the mood. We go for a smoke and talk a bit about D6 and talk all of our kids. How great they are. I mean great. I tell her that the kids are the closest thing to God on earth. She agrees and we go to bed and say goodnight to each other.