Totally Lost after 23 years

[CBK]

Well, wish I would have read the posts before S19 called. I had to call to straighten out a question - but bad part is that I could have easily waited until I saw her... The call was okay - I asked about her day and, although she just gave me a list of what she did, it wasn't "fine". I guess deep down, I was hoping she was going to call me. I know, needy... I was doing so well last night, then emotions got the better part of me. She did ask about my day and what time I was getting home. So a bit of a slide, but not horrible.

You are right Stella, I limit myself, I am an attractive man and can GAL - the will power is getting there the more I try and detach. Have a DB coach on Wednesday as well.

Thanks all

CBK

[CBK]

What are some good ways to quit obsessing about what is going on? Sleep is elusive, at best get about 4 hours, but wake up and am thinking about R. I don't talk to W about this. I know, I have to be strong, but saying those words don't always make one stronger. I have so many questions that I cannot ask, nor can she answer in her current state of mind. Doesn't matter if it is fair, she has to work through this. Yes, I accept it will take a long time, I do get that, in many ways, that makes it so much harder. Although I keep telling myself this is for me, to get stronger, better, etc., but can't help but saying this is for W so we can get back together. I look at the positives, actually what helps me sleep without meds, even when I wake up, I think positives, until about 4 AM, then I am thinking about R and cannot get out of my mind. All the positives, every stop sign I put up goes back to R. I turn the TV on hoping to detach my mind, but even the infomercials somehow remind me a good R!

I keep thinking how can W throw this all away? But no logical answer can be had.

I know, my friends, it will come, PMA, GAL - all this sounds good, but sometimes I slip back down into the self pitty valley and need to climb back up the mountain. I am glad I am not at home during this time as I would want R talk, I have until tonight to work on PMA and strength.

Good thoughts:

Kids are coming home Thursday
I fell asleep feeling good about myself
Life is good, I will be okay no matter what

[CBK]

Okay, horrible times right now, glad I am alone. As you can tell by my earlier post, I am having a tough time coping, so need to vent more than anything else.

How can sh!t like this happen? OM, ILYBIDLY, saying that she is happiest when she is alone, etc. It has been just a month since the bomb was dropped, less about OM. I try and be strong. I have good hours and bad hours. So many thoughts about the OM. Addie and Stella have said don't tell OM or OM W, what about my kids, they are adults, should they know? Is that too harmful? I get desperate and start thinking how can change her mind to at least want to work on our R? Should I insist at the next MC session that she cut off all contact with OM if she hopes we can have a friendship? Sometimes, the board helps, othertimes is confuses the heck out of me. I know I don't want to beg, but holly molly, how do you not? How can I not tell her that she needs to open her heart back up? How can I not tell her that she has been the love of my life for the past 26 years? Even in our bad times, I have always loved her... How can she spend the last year lying to me and actually say she was trying to work on the relationship - SHE CAN'T - but that is her reality.

Right now, I am hurting. Looking at my wedding ring, knowing I took vows to love and cherrish, thick or thin, better or worse. Why don't those words mean ANYTHING to W? I know I made mistakes, I get that. How do you get past that she wants out and says things like If you are around in a year, or the OM is around and out of his M, then I can consider that (or something to that affect). She is looking so far down the road and I want her to look a week down the road.

Okay, I know I will get beat a little bit on the board. but I just need to vent, get this out of my system. Time to hop in the shower and get to the office.

God give me strength and patience.

[steve477]

I understand the desire to spread the news. You want to be vindicated, you want people to say `poor you, yes she is completely in the wrong`. I get it.

Dont tell your kids. You are planning to win your W back arent you? SO why spoil a childs impression of his mother, when we hope in 6 months there will have been no need to do so.

I know I don't want to beg, but holly molly, how do you not? How can I not tell her that she needs to open her heart back up? How can I not tell her that she has been the love of my life for the past 26 years? Even in our bad times, I have always loved her...

You cant tell her she needs to wake up and smell the coffee, she needs to smell it herself. How do you want this to go? You want her to want to be with you or be with you because she `should`.

Work on yourself! You can do it!

Right now, I am hurting. Looking at my wedding ring, knowing I took vows to love and cherrish, thick or thin, better or worse. Why don't those words mean ANYTHING to W?

What do thos words mean to you? This is one of those worse times? Now be the man your W needs!!!!

You are doing well, little by little... ok remember that


Steve

[CBK]

Thanks Steve - totally sucks. Like I said, glad I am alone right now. I respect your posts a great deal and your sitc as well. I don't know how you do it. My work colleagues are starting to ask what is wrong - losing 34 lbs in a month, not the usual "jovial" guy - I lead a very large group in my company, manning up has never been a problem, but dang, it is tough now.

I know I am a newbie still since the bomb dropped - so I know I need time to figure all this out in my mind. I will make some calls today before I get home to my support network, I am thankful for them as well.

You are correct about telling anybody, I won't, first, I promised, I know she gets really nervous about it, but I won't and I can't. The only thing that may take me there would be if D ever gets filed - but I will not go there mentally. I need to get to tonight mentally, then tomorrow morning, etc.

I am trying to be the M wife needs, trying to figure that one out, who am I - GAL, 180, etc.

[Arthur]

GL sir.

I've told a few people, parents, sister, best friends, but only those I really felt needed to know or could be a good ear as we all need a good ear.

I'm not sure how many people my W has told, but she has removed her wedding and engagement rings now (took a week or 2), so no doubt others will ask as women notice those things don't they ?

It's very tough and I am doing ok with the remaining positive, making the changes to me as it's sort of enjoyable, but I do now do a lot of thinking during the day and when in bed and all sorts goes through my mind. I try and just get it off my chest, on here or to a good friends ASAP and it takes away some of the pain.

Thankfully, my BF I talk to the most, is really cool and doesn't judge my wife, he is very much for saving it so is very supportive of my DBing sugestions, which helps. What you'll find is, most friends (to and your W to her) will just offer rubbish advice to get D to get over it just to see you happy again. Yes, you might get happy for a bit, but when reality kicks in, you probably won't (else you wouldn't be here and feeling like this).

GL, keep posting. Even when you find no response, keep posting as it gets it out there and people do respond.

[Ready2Change]

Michele blieves most people will give you the wrong advise.

They want you to feel beter. They only have 1/2 the story.

I had to tell my parents. (kids know and would have told them)

Do not talk about R and do not ask them to help.

All I have been telling people is to "pray for the things our family needs the most during this dificult time"

[imLIN]

CBK
I can feel your pain...I remember it so well...my H was pretty much like your W...said he was happier alone then with me...the OW didn't last long after I discovered the A but he still didn't come home...still didn't want to give us another chance...still didn't want to be with me...it hurt...I slept very little too...then one day the roof fell in and I started sleeping like a log...it took a long time but eventually your body will get what it needs...just be careful...this is a time when your are most vulnerable...I can't tell you how many I know (including myself) that get traffic tickets or have an accident during this time of turmoil...try and keep your focus when you are driving...know your limits...if you are too tired then don't do it...
It does get better...it does take time...and patience...work on this in your everyday life...you will be a better person in the end for all of this...

Take care...Lin

[CBK]

Thanks Lin,

You post helps and it sounds like you and H are working it out. I am so confused on what to do, when to do it, etc. I want there to be a book, and the posters have been telling me, but God do I want to tell W that I feel like I am financing her A right now (although it is emotional now...), I want to tell OMW so they can be in counseling. I won't do any of this, but I need to vent it out. I travel a lot for my work, and all's I want to do is be at home where I feel safe.

The good news is that my D20 and S19 come home on Thursday from college. That may make it better or worse. Just to have more in the house will be better.

It sounds like you had a roller coaster of a ride and I could learn a lot from you sitc. I almost left the house and moved to my parents (yes, at my age) when the bomb dropped, they live in North County SD. The one thing I have found on this site is an amazing amount of support and wake up calls. I am hoping a few will start to sink in.

I can't feel pitty for myself too much longer as it affects everything I do. I hear you on being careful, I actually have slowed down in my driving (I usually drive like a bat out hell) and trying to figure out my limits. Today is the first day in 4 weeks I ate lunch! I am happy about that!

Thanks Lin for the post.

[Ready2Change]

..I almost left the house and moved to my parents (yes, at my age) when the bomb dropped...

Same here. I chose to move out of master bedroom. I am not moving out of house. W wants out, she can move.