Totally Lost after 23 years

[CBK]

Okay, horrible times right now, glad I am alone. As you can tell by my earlier post, I am having a tough time coping, so need to vent more than anything else.

How can sh!t like this happen? OM, ILYBIDLY, saying that she is happiest when she is alone, etc. It has been just a month since the bomb was dropped, less about OM. I try and be strong. I have good hours and bad hours. So many thoughts about the OM. Addie and Stella have said don't tell OM or OM W, what about my kids, they are adults, should they know? Is that too harmful? I get desperate and start thinking how can change her mind to at least want to work on our R? Should I insist at the next MC session that she cut off all contact with OM if she hopes we can have a friendship? Sometimes, the board helps, othertimes is confuses the heck out of me. I know I don't want to beg, but holly molly, how do you not? How can I not tell her that she needs to open her heart back up? How can I not tell her that she has been the love of my life for the past 26 years? Even in our bad times, I have always loved her... How can she spend the last year lying to me and actually say she was trying to work on the relationship - SHE CAN'T - but that is her reality.

Right now, I am hurting. Looking at my wedding ring, knowing I took vows to love and cherrish, thick or thin, better or worse. Why don't those words mean ANYTHING to W? I know I made mistakes, I get that. How do you get past that she wants out and says things like If you are around in a year, or the OM is around and out of his M, then I can consider that (or something to that affect). She is looking so far down the road and I want her to look a week down the road.

Okay, I know I will get beat a little bit on the board. but I just need to vent, get this out of my system. Time to hop in the shower and get to the office.

God give me strength and patience.