To agree to a D or not..... that is the question

[naej]

Well I read it all, glad the party went well. Sorry about your brother and family.
Also it was good that you and H did sit down together to talk to son-even if H didn,t participate as much as you would have liked.
I am not surprised son said he felt like he is being punished after all he has been up to he should feel that in away(jmo) He obviously feels he can treat you anyway he wants and you will put up with it all.
However I think your son will also manipulate you big time A and lay a huge guilt trip on you. Do not let him. He is a child and clearly does not see that you only have his best interests at heart.
Your son knows you love him A,but you do need a break from his complete lack of respect for you and family rules. I hope his Dad can help him find that respect for you and improve his school attendance and curb his habit of going awol whenever he chooses.
I think for now you just have to give H the benefit of the doubt and just wait and see.
Worry about H's financial motives IF and When it happens for now your sons behaviour needs to be sorted. Your son is on a slipery slope and just maybe your H can do some good. You will not lose him a few weeks away is not going to undo the 15yrs you raised him.
Take care.

[ACJ]

Thank Naej,
I know I need to follow through on this despite how awful I feel about it.

H related to me last night that when he picked S15 up from the nightclub the other night S15 said to him 'Dad do you realise that all my friends think I am cock of the tree and you just spoiled it!' It just shows that S15 knows exactly what he is doing. H tried to point out to him (both last night and on Thursday) that it is wrong for him to have this impression of himself for two reasons. Firstly it is only his opinion of what his friends think and secondly real life isn't like that, there is always someone bigger and better than you.

I am confident that I have done the right thing. whether the timing is right with his pubic exams literally weeks away I am not sure. I don't think the environment he is currently helping to create is good for him to study in but then I don't want any rejection he feels to overtake his desire to do well. (I'm suffering very badly from that myself right now and also have assignment deadlines looming)

[heartbreak2]

ACJ

You had one insanely busy weekend.

You did the right thing with your son. Wish I had made mine
spend at least one whole weekend with their dad when he left.
But I was afraid they would leave for good?? not sure

These kids get very good at manipulating us and making us believe
that we are the bad guy and you did ok. You need to take this time and relax do not worry about s. For think about it did his dad wait up all those nights and wonder where his son was?

time for dad to be the mean guy the parent and this is going to be hard for your H for they do not like being the parent. They are just as afraid to lose the love of their child as we are.
Only thing is... in my case... my kids have lost repsect for their dad and he won't tell them what to do and they know it.
I have been told by my d18..."dad won't say no he is afraid I won't love him any more"

so they play the game.

I am hoping for you that this helps bring you and your son together for he will see that dad is not putting up with him and
that he is going to have to get his act together.

mine are 18 and 21 and I still want to strangle them some days
when they think they can just do what they want when they want in my house.

make your list of things you need to do....
seeing what you accomplish will help motivate you and make
you realize your getting stuff done.
life gets overwhelming at times.....

good luck...
sending {{{hugs}}}

[cat03]

no kid is going to take correction with a happy face hon, if this is for the best then just remember that you are agreeing to this for s15 regardless what he thinks, one day he will understand.

[ACJ]

Thanks HB and Cat.

[BeingMe]

Hi ACJ! Just caught up with your sitch. Haven't been on the bb for some time. Phew! So much has happened to you.

Firstly, your S15 is a smart cookie ... he knows how to manipulate you, and make you feel guilty. I doubt he feels rejected by you ... he's just playing the emotional guilt game. As someone said, above, no kid takes correction with a happy face (ad libbing here).

Secondly, your son is getting his cue from his dad on how to treat you and his family. Your WAH is the one teaching him how to be a man, by his own example, so I don't know how he is going to change that unless he changes himself. Pity he can't take his own advice re the convo he had with S15 regarding friends, etc.

Thirdly, family can suck sometimes. Your brother was rude, and childish. Honestly, this was his N18's big day .... couldn't he just suck it up, whatever IT was. I have a family that drives me insane sometimes with the things they come up with ... i.e. getting offended when no offense was intended (aagghhh!!!!). Just let it slide off your back. Not worth the stress of thinking about it, and how you can make it right. Leave that up to your brother, and his family. His daughter is obviously going through her teen drama. Ugh! I can imagine, though, that this was just not something you needed right now.

Not sure if this will help you, but here is a link to a parenting discipline questionnaire (Dr. Phil's) where you can check if you are parenting your kids to the best of your ability. http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/255 From what I can tell, there are only two things on there that can be an issue for you, one of which you have no control over since your WAH doesn't seem capable of co-parenting with you, and giving out a united, parental front (as you have tried to get from him, but not been able to really ... that is his foolishness, not yours).

Dr. Phil isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I have learned some really good strategies for my own life's challenges, especially with children. Here is what he says about parenting by example: "Tool #7: Parenting By Example
The most powerful role model in any child's life is the same-sex parent. It's a fact that children learn vicariously by observing the behavior of others and noting the consequences of their actions. They watch what happens to family members when they succeed or fail and those experiences become a reference for how they live. This is known as modeling.

Through your actions, words, behavior and love, you can direct your children to where you want them to go. Show them how to be happy, well-balanced and fulfilled adults. Shed any negative attitudes. Dump self-destructive behavior patterns. Turn up the positive attitude."

I found the above here: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/165

You have done all you could, and have tried your best, IMO. Maybe, letting your S15 go stay with his dad, is a last resort to getting through to him. He is just at a very difficult age, and your WAH couldn't have picked a worse time to leave his family.

Stay strong, because you are, and you sound it despite all the negative challenges you are facing.

[ACJ]

Thank you BM.
I am in the process of getting ready for work but will read the links later on today.

I stayed strong and S15 went to his dad's. I thought I would be upset but I wasn't. It's very ironic really b/c the short time H was here before they left we were talking like we used to, there was banter, there was laughing.

I laid down my boundaries for this work. I told them that I wouldn't allow either of them to freeze me out of S15s life. I told H that simply pressing yes to a read receipt on emails I send him was not good enough that I expect an answer. I also told him that I expect him to keep me as informed about S15 as I have for him. He agreed. We had spoken over the weekend about how his better R with S15 was adversely affecting the girls and I said S15 living with H had the potential to make this situation worse. I said it would be nice if he saw the girls at least once a week. Again he agreed but it remains to be seen whether he will or not. I am under no illusion. I got all these promises when he suggested a trial separation way back when he first left. They meant nothing then for all I know they may well mean nothing now. However, I am determined that I will stay in my S15s life. I reminded H that S15 had to be at school on Thursday night for the Sports Awards and he said he would be there. It even sounded like he might come himself (again we will see).

Whilst S15 got his final few things together H and I talked about simple things like S15s pocket money. It was a good convo. I'm not getting my hopes up in anyway, this was not about our M, it was just good to be able to talk to him in a non confrontational way. That has to be good for any R whether it be one within a M or one within a co-parenting framework.

I had to giggle b/c within 2 mins of leaving S15 was back. He had forgotten his toothbrush. It took him ages to get it b/c I bought them all new ones at the weekend and he hadn't noticed and didn't know which one was his (yuck )

About an hour later he was back again! This time to get his freeview box. I queried this b/c H doesn't have a TV. Apparently MIL has taken one round there. I said but your dad doesn't have a TV licence. He said he is thinking of getting one. GGGrrrrrrr. I'm sure MIL had her 'mother' hat on thinking how could she help HER son to smooth things over with her grandson. What she wasn't thinking about was ME and how I don't want him to get comfortable I want him here where he belongs.

I've not said this to anyone else BUT I am not comfortable with my son living in a house where there is blatant immorality.

[princess_nic]

Alison,

I'm glad that you managed to stay strong through this. This could be very good for your son, and certainly it will give you a break from being the policewoman.

I know what you mean about the blatant immorality; that was actually what finally pushed me to want the D: when my HUSBAND started sharing a bed with his gf in front of my children! I do worry about the impact that will have on them in the future, and how to undo any damage that their father has done re. their ideas about men.

I hope you have a good day,
Nicola

[almosthopeful]

((((Alison)))),

Good lord, you've had about three major events all crammed into one short weekend, sweetie. I'm so proud of you for not just cracking up.

At least you had the one giggle, with H avoiding watching you dance. You know he wouldn't have bothered moving if it didn't affect him.

Now about S15...Alison I'm not going to say I know how you feel, because I don't, but I suspect this must be very, very wrenching. Please try not to feel threatened. For one thing, people who aren't raising rebellious, acting-out teenagers have no idea how impossible it is to actually control them. Far from edging you out, my guess is when supercilious H realizes that short of tying S to the bedpost, that he CANNOT control him, he may develop some empathy for you. (I haven't experienced this as a MOM, but my brother was this way growing up, so I have seen it as a sib.)

Please know Alison I'm not trying to discount your feelings, I would be sick if S15 went out of control and I felt like he had to go to XH and the Nasty New Mrs. But I would do it in a heartbeat IF I thought it was best for S.

As to S's comments about punishment, there is probably some truth and there is probably some chain-pulling going on. You know in your heart that your motives are loving and genuine...so you can only pray that he will come around to see that.

I believe so firmly that things eventually work out for the better, I'm sending your those thoughts and hugs. I wish I could do more.

Hugs,
AH

[BeingMe]

Now is your chance to make every interaction with your S15 a positive, fun one. Do something interesting each week with him. You can be the fun parent now, and not 'the enforcer'. You and D12 can have lots of girlie time now too, without too much stress over what S15 is up to.

You are going to be fine ... more than fine. I can tell!