Please help me! Wife wants out! (5)

[steve477]

Hi all,

Good weekend.

Went shopping with W on Saturday, for ideas for my Birthday. My mothe wants to buy me clothes so I went out to see what I could see. Things that fit, as to be honest, with my wieght loss, some of my clothes are looking a bit `tent`ish! Told my W my new image is `James Bond` so that is the kind of clothes we looked for.
W enjoyed the shops too, (silly statement I know!).
Sunday, went through my old clothes and filled a couple of bags for the charity shop. Was quite fun. Spread everything out over the bed. When we got to putting things away, W told me I should just put my clothes back in the chest of drawers (in our room). So I did. When I did that I went into the guest room and put away the guest bed. Dont know if hse noticed yet, but I guess she has.

But anyway... I am offically back in my own bed!!!!

Feel the kiss may not be too far away. (not getting my hops up though). I teased her a bit on Sunday morning while we were in bed. A bit of tickling, touching etc... At one point our heads were quite close together, so I leaned in just a little, she smiled and offered me her check to kiss. I laughed and said I bet she would let James Bond kiss her... she said she he would just `do it` wouldnt he, wouldnt need permission. Damn right! I told her to be careful because I am fast on my way to becoming James Bond, and she is going to be my Bond girl. We got out the swimming stuff, ready for our holiday in 10 days or so. She has a gold bikini... very Bond girl!!

Wish OM would #$%& off. Think things would be moving much more smoothly if he wasnt there. Nevermind. I have come this far on my own, dont need a hand now!

Not sure how my W thinks thing will pan out with her Job and OM, at the moment she is talking like she would like to go back after Maternity leave. Well that cant happen as HE is there. And I dont know if she is expecting to keep him as a friend, which also cant happen. Not the time to bring these things up, but may have to one day. I aksed her yesterday if she was ready to be `my girl` again. She asked me why I was asking, I just said.. you know.. (bit of pressure perhaps, but the moment passed)

I was tired last night, guess I looked down (didnt feel particuarly down). She asked me if I was ok. I said yes.
In bed last night, after I had finished massaging her back, she held my hand and said `I am sorry` (getting a few apologies last few weeks). I just said thank you. Told her not to think too much as she needed to sleep, unless she wanted to think `naughty things` about me and her!

This morning I was tickling her again, she was laughing and said I was just horny, I asked how about her, she said not much about 20%, but still 80% sleepy. Not good odds, but the first time I have heard that in a while.

In all the things I am taking to the charity shop I am adding the things that 2nd OM gave my W. W is ok with that. Got to build up to giving away the things that OM numero uno gave her! Charity shop will love it when I give them that ipod!!

Cheers

Steve

[Lanzo]

Steve,

All good stuff, I'm very encouraged by what I read. I don't think I need to offer you any advice at this stage.

Athough there is a tip. I found that posting to others in need of help moved me further along (Remember all the tough love I dished out to you). I saw you posting to CBK on his thread, he sounds like someone who could benefit from some of the things you have learnt. Stick with him for a while and see what you can do.

Lanzo

[Arthur]

nice work steve. Have read bits and pieces of your story and sounds like your making cracking progress. Will read from start to finish when I get a chance as a fellow UK er !!!

Oh, BTW, can I have the ipod ??? LOL

[steve477]

Thanks Lanzo

I did think of `being a Lanzo` for CBK! Or anyone else that would like a word. I feel less of a need to talk about myself now, but I would like to keep in touch with everyone here, so I will keep at it.

Thanks Arthur! Cracking hey? Not a Wallace and Gromit fan are you? Where in the UK are you? Chester here. You are welcome to the ipod, it is one of the old ones, no colour screen. That is why I dint stamp it to smithereens. If OM had actually bought it for her then I owuld have seen my arse!

What with taking W out for a picnic on Saturday, and then eating out on Sunday, I gained wieght! Back to the gym this week.

Havent seen Sandi for a while, perhaps I was making her swoon too much! lol.

Cheers

Steve

[Arthur]

No not into Wallace and Gromit.

I am after an ipod, but doesn't seem that PM works to tell you where to send it. I could then make a donation to charity of your choice !!!

Also, be nice to be able to talk off the forum with someone in same timezone for advice. I'm a little paranoid that my wife could quite easily come accross this and figure out it's me which could ruin everything !!!

I'll try and read through the whole story today and say something more but from last few posts you seem to be getting there.

Nice work, keep it up

[steve477]

OK here is a post you will all think `oh steve...` about.

Things going well tonight. Got home, I jumped in the shower, W checked her PC. Not too happy about that but there you go. After I got out the shower, I went back to oue bedroom to get dressed. Shewas still checking the PC, but didnt dive to cover it as she had done previously. I was getting dress in a place where I was next to her and I could see the screen, was not looking but could see the screen. When dressed I sait down next to her. She had an ecard of Garfeild on the screen. She quickly closed it and the email inbox told me it was from other guy number 2. I was a bit miffed by the fact she tried to hide it, as I beleive her when she says there is nothing there. Why does she need to hide that? I said, sorry I didnt mean to interupt her, and to give me a shout when she was done and I could come back into the room.
Came back a bit later, and I was a bit `quiet` with her, lay on my side and read my book, making it obvious I hadnt really liked how she had reacted before. Later that evening she seemed upset. She said she was sorry, and she was sorry she couldnt make me happy. I said I didnt expect her to make me happy and I am ok. She said she knew I was upset because OM2 had sent emails. I said that I wasnt upset about that, I dont really care what he does at the moment. I told her I had minded that she still needs to keep him as a secret friend when she told me there is nothing there. She said she is not trying to keep him secret, but she would just like some privacy when she is checking her PC. She said she always gives me privacy when she checks my PC. Beside the point that I couldnt care less if she come in and reads all my emails or not.
So lesson tonight, I am moving too fast. She is not ready to open up her life to me yet.

Here comes the `oh steve...` part. Snooping. I snooped a week or so ago. Didnt mention it as I was dealing with what I read. Also didnt want to disappoint everyone here, as you think I am doing so well. But there is no sense in not telling you I suppose.

Good and bad. Good, was W was annoyed with OM1 because of him `asking her everyday about her feeling for him and if she wants to finish with him` Was more but that was the general gist. Said she was thinking about his family. Said she thought she knew him but seems she doesnt......All good for me.

Bad, Since the baby has started kicking OM has been wanting to feel the baby kick. Wants to `hold her tummy, and talk to the bump`..... Dont really know Ws feelings about this. She knows I dont want anyone else to touch, but I `know` she wont mind him touching.

It is one thing for him to be messing with my W, but now he is messing with my family!!!!!!!!! I was kinda counting on him being scared off as the pregnancy progressed, but seems it is the opposite that is happening. Man I want to rip his head off sometimes. It just feels so wrong to me that he is interested in my baby. especailly as you all know the `gray area` around this.

I am doing ok, I think you can see this. I am good at this DB stuff now, for the most part. I wont ever let on to my W that I know some things I am not supposed too.

She really doesnt want to see me having any negative feelings around her. Especailly if she thinks she made them. I know that if I continue acting as if then that will get me closer to my goal. But I also know that I dont like the feeling of letting her `get away with it`. Why should I have to hide my negative feelings jsut because it makes her uncomfortable. She wasnt happy tongiht because she thought I was annoyed about the email (which I wasnt). I guess that it is because she is reminded about her guilty feelings. She says sorry but she doesnt seem to be doing anything about these things. Gets harder to believe she is actually sorry about what she is doing.


OK rationalise time.... do I want to be right or married? I still have alot more positives now than I did a few weeks ago. She is working on the M in he rown way, even if it is not at all in the way would like. Still doing ok. We are getting along better all the time.

Down time.... OM will not shift easily. W still likes him alot. She cant have both of us in her life. I HATE that he is interested in my baby. I never want him to set eyes on my baby. I want me and W to be ok before the birth so she can be on the same page as me with this. I just wnat to protect my family. W is a grown girl she can choose to see this #$%&head. My baby doesnt have a choice... god it make me feel physically sick.
I was counting on the pregnancy and maternity leave to be big factors for `them`, but I may have been wrong. Its late here, and I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head. Nothing has changed, I am still on track. I can still ignore the things I have no control over.

Honestly, I do sometimes think about leaving my W. Only breifly mind you.

I know she needs me. This is not help her heart as an individual, nor mine, nor ours as a couple, nor the babies. Nor the OMs if I am honest. I cant continue to watch her do this if it will continue after the birth.


OK I am ready for my 2x4s, but if you dont mind, please follow it up with a hug!

Cheers

Steve

[sandi2]

Hi Steve, haven't posted in a while. Glad to see you are back in your own bed again and it sounds like you are still taking the baby steps. I noticed this that your wife said:

so I leaned in just a little, she smiled and offered me her check to kiss. I laughed and said I bet she would let James Bond kiss her... she said she he would just `do it` wouldnt he, wouldnt need permission. Damn right! I told her to be careful because I am fast on my way to becoming James Bond,

This is good. I think she is really wanting you to "not ask permission" to kiss her, but take the iniative like James Bond (or my Rhett Butler...lol) would do. But if you do decide to go for the kiss on the mouth, don't get carried away the first time unless she is responding to you...big time. If so, then go for it..lol.

Steve, I personally do not believe the M will completely be healed until she gets these OM out of her life once and for all. That is what is keeping her so mixed up and sad. I don't think it is you doing it, but the OM. She cannot have all the OM and you too. Doesn't work that way!

I can almost grant you that if she does not want you to see what she has on the screen it is b/c she is sending messages to the OM and it isn't what you would want to see and that is why she clicks off when she thinks you may be too close by. I also believe that is why she claims she needs her "privacy". Remember Steve, I have been there. Anytime a W is communicating on the computer and she doesn't want her H to see it......it is b/c she is doing something she shouldn't.

So, what do you do without letting her know you snooped? Well, probably nothing. Because if you tell her, she is going to be more sneaky and it will cause not positive effect on what has transpired. So, just don't mention it to her.

First let me say that I would be furious and I admire how you have been able to hold your tongue and DB so well. I think it is very, very inappropriate for another man to want to rub her tummy and talk to the unborn child, hold her, etc. I really would feel the same as you about him. I would be curious as to what her answer was to him over that. I don't know what to tell you to do except if she ever should let something slip about this OM wanting to touch the "bump".....I would tell her that what he is wanting to do is not appropriate. A man should never touch the belly of a pregnant woman, except for her H. There are a few exceptions where she may allow a relative (like a very young nephew or somebody like that) but that is not something that should be shared between wife and husband. I know I sound old fashion, but I believe in that. It is a private thing and she should be asked to touch the tummy when baby is kicking....but to do what this OM is wanting is very bad.

I really hope that she will kick both of these OM out of her life before the baby comes. Her hormones are changing now and after the baby they will really be screwed up. Trying to hang on to these OM will not help her during that time in her life.

Ok, so your foot slipped......at least you didn't give up and jump off the mountain! Keep climbing and some day you will reach your goal and can wave you flag of success. You are still doing great. Just keep it up. It is mainly up to your W at this point if she is going to let go of these OM or try to hang on to them.

Take care and I hope you are back in the same room with her very soon.

Sandi

[steve477]

Hi Sandi

Thanks for that.

Part of me wants to `act up` at the injustice of it all. But I am finally getting some consistant behaviour going that is working. So I guess I need to just suck it up and get on with it for now. If I change now then that will not bring her any closer to me. If I make her feel guilty then what does that do? I dont want her to come back because she feels guilty, I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

Let me address a few points.

This is good. I think she is really wanting you to "not ask permission" to kiss her, but take the iniative like James Bond (or my Rhett Butler...lol) would do. But if you do decide to go for the kiss on the mouth, don't get carried away the first time unless she is responding to you...big time. If so, then go for it..lol.

I really think so too. I sometimes see that it is coming soon, and other times it seems further away. We walked around the supermarket yesterday with my hand in her back jeans pocket holding a lovely lovely cheek! lol. That is a good baby step.

Anytime a W is communicating on the computer and she doesn't want her H to see it......it is b/c she is doing something she shouldn't.

Exactly, but not alot I can do about that at the moment. When we got up this morning, we both apologised for the upset last night. She said that if she will check her PC she wont do it in front of me from now on. Not sure if that is good or bad!

So, what do you do without letting her know you snooped? Well, probably nothing. Because if you tell her, she is going to be more sneaky and it will cause not positive effect on what has transpired. So, just don't mention it to her.

Nothing is the name of the game! Cant do anything at all about it. Just incorporate it into my behaviour.

I think it is very, very inappropriate for another man to want to rub her tummy and talk to the unborn child, hold her, etc. I really would feel the same as you about him. I would be curious as to what her answer was to him over that.

Indeed. Unfortunatly I think her answer is ok. I get the feeling that he has been touching the tummy, but the baby hasnt kicked for him! Thats my girl! She knows who her Daddy is!!!

A man should never touch the belly of a pregnant woman, except for her H. There are a few exceptions where she may allow a relative (like a very young nephew or somebody like that) but that is not something that should be shared between wife and husband. I know I sound old fashion, but I believe in that.

W know that this is exactly my feelings, not mentioned it in regard to OM, I mentioned it in conversation a couple of times.

Steve, I personally do not believe the M will completely be healed until she gets these OM out of her life once and for all. That is what is keeping her so mixed up and sad. I don't think it is you doing it, but the OM. She cannot have all the OM and you too. Doesn't work that way!

I really hope that she will kick both of these OM out of her life before the baby comes. Her hormones are changing now and after the baby they will really be screwed up. Trying to hang on to these OM will not help her during that time in her life.

You are still doing great. Just keep it up. It is mainly up to your W at this point if she is going to let go of these OM or try to hang on to them.

I know, I am just worried that she wont choose me! I have beeing doing well recently. Key point is doing well. I have been able to work at my M. Now I have plateaued a bit and am in a holding pattern waiting for W to do a bit on her side. I dont have any ideas what I can do at the moment. Anyone? I know I have made things better between us, just time will tell now, if W was right when she said `too little, too late`. I just want to protect her and my child. I know I could make these OM go away quite quickly. But that is not how it is going to play out unfortunatly.

Anyway Speak later

Cheers

Steve

[saffie]

Steve,

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

Firstly, about the bump holding thing. I know a lot of people in the UK seem to think a pregnant woman's bump is public property. I used to have loads of people come up to me and want to touch or stroke my bump during all my pregnancies. I can remember being really taken back by it - especially in my first pregnancy. Mostly it was women, and elderly ones at that, who seemed to have this compulsion - but so did some men. My boss was especially touchy - he had six children of his own and he seemed to think nothing of it. Don't read too much into it.

Secondly, when the baby is born your W is going to be so busy with the baby and motherhood that any one who puts demands on her is soon going to get told what for. She will want those around her who support her, not those who need constant reassurance, so don't make OM out to be more than he is. He is not in the position you are in that he can offer your W the support and care she is going to need. It's easy for him at the moment to be there and offer encouragement etc as it doesn't cost him anything. He won't be there in the middle of the night when the baby wakes, he won't be there to help change nappies, he won't be there to rub your wife's back or take the baby for a walk when your W needs to sleep. He is NO competition at all. Don't let his apparent worth to your W at the moment eat into your feelings. He is a waste of space and time will show that. He cannot compare with you at all and I am sure your W knows that.

Don't let this get you down - you have been doing so well. So what if your W's ego needs these little boosts at the moment - she is pregnant and probably doesn't feel too attractive and so will take compliments from where ever they come at the moment. It won't last. YOU are her rock, and believe me, she knows that. OM1 and OM2 are not viable options.

Keep up that PMA.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

You are doing an amazing job. Be positive and believe in yourself. You are going to be a great dad.

[steve477]

Saffie, you are a star!

I spent this morning `realigning` myself and I am feeling much better.

Your words though, made me feel all warm inside again. Back on track now!

I know a lot of people in the UK seem to think a pregnant woman's bump is public property

She will want those around her who support her, not those who need constant reassurance, so don't make OM out to be more than he is. He is not in the position you are in that he can offer your W the support and care she is going to need. It's easy for him at the moment to be there and offer encouragement etc as it doesn't cost him anything.

He is NO competition at all.

All things I needed to hear.

So what if your W's ego needs these little boosts at the moment - she is pregnant and probably doesn't feel too attractive and so will take compliments from where ever they come at the moment.

I hadnt thought of this, but you do have apoint she is feeling unattractive at the moment. She is being crazy as she is looking great, but that is how she feels. I get it a bit more now!

Thanks again

Steve