Sick of it

[Dom R]

it's been 4 years.
4 years of lies, and betrayal, while she pursued 100% selfish goals, and hurt our children for it. 2 years in front of me, and 2 years hiding behind (and at the same time, from) her mother.


What is it I want to achieve?
I want to be with someone who cares about me, and my children.
Someone who cares enough to actually change her actions from "what makes her and her alone feel good ", to "what makes our FAMILY happy".

I want to be with someone who is glad to see me. Who doesnt stop smiling at me when their mother, or aunt, or "friends" are around, because she has to keep up the lies she's told about me.

For that matter, someone who doesnt surround themselves with angry, bitter people who scorn marriage, and families.
Someone who VALUES commitment to them.

Someone who wants to hug me, and who wants to be hugged by me, every day. Not just when no-one is looking.



I want a best friend. a lover.
a life-partner.

The woman i chose to marry, seems to have decided that those things are not important to her any more.

She's still chasing after being "in love", rather than someone who is capable of giving and recieving real love.
After 4 years.


Sad thing is, she also seems to be chasing after marriage, in a really twisted way. For the second time, she's chasing after a married man, it would seem. I'm wondering if she thinks that, since they were/are married, they somehow understand long-term relationships better., and are better for a long-term relationship somehow.

The crazy thing is: I know a little about both their marriages; the reason theirs failed/are failing, is that they didnt do well in how they treated their marriages either. So they're even WORSE in that reguard, than her earlier failed romances.



As it has been said many times; love is a choice.
On my better days, i choose to hold onto the positive qualities that she has, and love her.
On my weaker days, I remember that if I choose selfishly to be with someone else, who is easier for me to be with; it will deprive my children of the unified family that they NEED.

On my blacker days, such as today, though... i stare into the abyss of "never". I look at a future where my wife will refuse to put our children ahead of herself, and keep chasing fantasies until they leave her, and it will be too late. Both for them, and her.

If she will never choose to value family... then what's the point of waiting for her? Why not make myself happier... and also maybe make my children a little happier as well.
They would benefit from seeing what a real marriage looks like.
They're certainly not seeing it from their mother. Or their grandparents.
Or pretty much anyone else their mother exposes them to.
She only believes in associating with members of "the angry bitter divorcees club" in real life.

well, me remarrying is a long time down the road, I suppose.

but in the meantime, I would really like someone to curl up next to again.

I need caring, human, female touch.
I'm not getting it. She's cut me off, it would seem. Eventually, i'll go crazy without it.
I feel like doing something i've never done before, such as going and finding a bar somewhere, and "picking someone up"... just for the touch factor.

I hate being this way.
I hate feeling this way.

but what I hate the most, is that I know myself enough to know that eventually, i'm not going to be strong enough to stop doing that sort of thing.
and if I start down that road... then I'll be even less motivated to keep standing for our marriage.

my selfish side is starting to pull me more and more these days.
When she first left, I was in agony... but mostly for the "us" factor. of losing "our" family, and "our" marriage.

nowadays, though, I'm being pulled more for "me". because "us", seems like something she wont let happen, so it doesnt seem like much of a possibility any more.

seems like she's holding the door too tightly shut.
And she's currently in the process of hammering nails into the borders.

oh, there's a nice little window... about 6 inches x 6 inches. enough to easily hold a conversation through. But definately no getting through it.