thank you so much for your encouragement!!!! yeah, I was kind of surprised he called me back too! I was fully prepared to spend the evening TRYING to relax by myself!!!!
I hope you're having a gorgeous evening (((ALI))) T
I would definitely try to keep in touch in a way where he doesn't need to respond. Like " this is song I like, I hope you like it too", did you notice? No question.
Then something else, something else, THEN a question, then a call, build up communication patterns...
oh!!! this is really different from what I was thinking... I was thinking about just waiting 3-4 weeks for him to call me before I do anything else. Since we went from 5 months of NC, to 6 minutes on the phone, then 3 weeks later 2 calls totalling 40 minutes, maybe I should give him space to make the next move? Can you tell me more why you suggested keeping in touch in a way that he doesn't need to respond? I am interested in your idea b/c it is so different than mine.
Thank you SO much for your observations and words of encouragement.... I feel SO supported and successful!!!
I am going to have to get this BITCH book!
yay for seaweed!!!! I'm so glad that you smiled!!! I dunno if there's an aubergine in the orchestra, but we can check it out at vegetable orchestra Just skip through the first minute or so where they are shopping for vegetables...!!
OMG, ethiopian jazz is so amazing. If you ever saw the movie 'broken flowers' it is the entire soundtrack. SO, so funky and groovy and delicious!!!!
Wow, thank you so much for your super thoughtful post!!! I had to think it over.
Quote:
I guess I'm thinking that maybe you are confusing being controlling with being independent and centered?!?
You are AMAZING!!!! I actually talked about this with my therapist today and it was part of a big breakthrough I had.... details will follow in the next post!! Thank you so much for pointing this out, b/c I don't know if I ever could have figured it out by myself!!!
Quote:
What have you attributed to your part in the breakdown of your relationship?
OK... I think I answered this question a lil' bit a while back when you asked me "how could he stand to be apart from you?" and I answered that, but maybe we will dig up some new stuff now:
-not listening to his concerns or being willing to discuss them -underestimating the stress of being long distance (assuming our R was indestructable) -not being willing to discuss my own boundaries -being extremely stressed about grad school and leaning on him/taking it out on him while giving him less energy, love, time -trying to control my environment/the people around me because I am afraid of not getting what I want -not picking up on his hints that he was unhappy -thinking that we were solid after our first breakthrough instead of going to counseling & piecing
etc....
Right now I am feeling very very strong and solid. At the moment
Well, maybe some day we can meet in person, and then I will be less of a mystery!!!!!
thank you so much for your loving posts, careful reading, friendly visits!!!!
Right after the call, I couldn't sleep, so I got out of bed and did some writing. I asked myself "what am I feeling?" And came up with some interesting stuff: disconnected, frustrated, inadequate (b/c I don't have a musical myspace page & I don't have any cool new songs to send him); also afraid that b/c of the comfort I was going to slip back into a) who I was 6 months ago, which is not who I am now and b) the "subset" of who I am that comes out with B that is not entirely who I am. But it was interesting.... I sat with my feelings, then I could sleep, and the next day, I didn't feel inadequate any more!!!
I had a great session today with my counselor. We talked about the call and he made many stellar observations. I confuse sharing what I want with sharing feelings, most of my feeling-sharing is related to me trying to get a certain outcome. He suggested that instead of thinking a lot about what *happened* and centering myself in the events outside myself, I can focus on what I am *feeling* and center myself *inside* myself. I brought up Essie's observation that I confuse being centered with being controlling and he told he told me his definition of centered-- We talked about how people center themselves with different things... work, drinking, drugs, relationships, etc, but until they can center themselves *in themselves* they are always off-balance. AMAZING.
He also told me that I have 1 or 2 more sessions, and then because of University policy I can't start another round of therapy until a year from the date I started... so maybe i will be able to squeeze some sessions in in nov-dec before I graduate. Hm, I am wondering if I should just pay to see a counselor in the meantime... I feel like I am breaking into a new compartment, I am very excited to experience what is inside.
Other than that... I got some awesome new DAYS OF THE WEEK lacy underwear that makes me feel super hot!! And in case I forget what day it is I can just ... discreetly check my undergarments
I feel like I should give B space to make the next call/contact. Wait at least 3 weeks, even 4. He might be counting the interim between calls, and want to do the same interim as me... at least.
*However*, I need to start making plans for my trips to DC/NYC/Boston. I will definitely be in the NYC area the first 2 weeks of June. There is a possibility, but no guarantees, that he will be there for part/all of that time. It is possible I could be there the third week of May, and the 3rd week of June as well.
how long do I wait? Ideally I would like to give him space to make the next call and have 2-3 more conversations before I even mention that I am going to be in NYC. Then, if he doesn't ask to see me, the next conversation I will ask to see him. But I also want to give him enough "advance notice" so he has a couple weeks to get ready.. not like, hello, I'm in your city, do you want to meet tomorrow??
When I bring it up, should I ask to meet him early in my visit, so if he wants to meet again, we can meet again later in my visit? OR, do I tell him the maximum amount of time I'll be in NYC, including the time I'm not planning to be there, but just could be there, to maximize the chance that we can meet up, since I have no idea what his plans are?
I have to laugh at myself too, b/c here I am agonizing over this elaborate plan, but I have to realize that I need to be flexible and ready to change the whole plan to adapt to the world around me which is constantly changing!!
Otherwise... had a great cello lesson, saw two friends do a joint cello recital which ROCKED, made a bunch of muffins for a concert I played yesterday with all of the cellists performing en masse, worked out today for 55 minutes of cardio... working on my new wardrobe... full of HOT 180 outfits!!! And I had a great conversation last night with my brother. It fills my heart with joy b/c during the whole R crisis he and I became VERY estranged, but now we are reconnecting. *happiness* The same thing is happening with my Mom, for some reason we can really connect when we talk about food (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, she is an amazing cook) so I am trying to do MORE OF WHAT WORKS with that. She and my Dad are in Ireland now for a week... I am jealous, they get to adventure in the UK!! just an island away from OD and Ali!!
I'm sorry this is so long!!!
I hope you all are having beautiful evenings, OR sleeping peacefully like logs!!!!
T, the unique part of your sitch is the long distance part. Even if he wanted to see you it would be difficult to do. The distance brings detachement, good for you, bad if he detaches completely. All these months going dark did what they were supposed to do. I am NOT saying to pressure him or anything. But sitting around for much longer I don't think has anything more to offer you. You have all the tools, the knowledge, the discipline, you have to revisit your goals re him and your R (no need to set goals for youself, you are already ahead by ...my estimate 5 years at this point) and ACT. I know being patient is acting in our cases, but I definitely believe yours is a bit different.
My thinking behind my suggestion was that since -and I agree- we don't want to push him, or make him feel we are desperate and needy (which we aren't in any case) and since our goal is to create bridges, communication channels, we should think of things to do, that will remind him of you and your personality (and possible make your changes known) to him, without making him feel he needs to do something about it. Just a song (like he did) that you like, that you send him, without asking anything about it, not even if he likes it, for me could do that.
A piece in a newspaper that you can scan and sent him about something you know he would be interested in, with a note "I thought you'd like that" could do that. No questions, nothing.
Especially with your trip to NY you need to at least have made some contact prior to just telling him to meet up there.
I am glad about all your 180s. I am glad you have so much life in you. You had this opportunity to learn yourself, about yourself on time and you make the best out of it. You are a lucky and smart girl.
I agree with Kalni, I think she meant, a little lighthearted exchanges between now and your visit, without overthinking it. Send him a song, or a picture, whether or not you think it may be "cool" or not. It will probably raise a smile, or his interest to just receive something. I would like that from a friend, I wouldnt "judge" them and think, thats not cool ! So maybe leaving it 4 weeks is risky if this eats into getting close to when you will be there.
I think you may have to be brave at some point soon and take the risk.. mention you will be coming to NYC and casually ask/say hey we could meet up? Becuase if you dont tell him, he wont know and if you dont ask, you wont know if he wants to meet or not and well.. unless you just drop into conversation you are visiting and dont add anything about meeting up the first time that you mention it.. see if he suggests meeting. But guess you will have to phone him (whose "turn" is it!?? I lost track)
You really do have a lot of strings to your bow, as the saying goes, so I think you should hold your head high and think he will want to meet you for coffee, whatever, when you are in NY. Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((((T))))) Trying to set a timetable is tricky, but to me four weeks sounds too long. By calling you back he at least indicated that he wants to talk to you. My gut says closer to two, maybe three. And I would make sure I did it on a different say of the week, so it doesn't look like you are watching the calendar.
Do you know I've started thinking of you when I have a cup of tea. Which is quite often during the day. 'Would you like a cup of tea?' always makes me smile these days!! Especially now I have the image of you subtly checking your knick-knocks to check which day it is!!
So, so far you've called B twice right? The first time was a 6 min conversation- you called and he picked up? And the second was you calling then him calling back?
I think leaving a 4 week gap is quite long aswell...... although I understand you wanting him to initiate contact. It'd be a great baby step from him and give you an insight into where you are right now in your R with him. So I think what I would do would be to find a piece of music/article/recipe aswell and send it to him- I am totally with K on sending him something that doesn't ask a question or require a response......I think it would....
a) remind him to think of you in a non-pressuring way b) show him that you are thinking of him c) be a chance to remind him how fun you are in infiltrate his mind in a subtle, not 'in your face' way (not that I mean calls are in your face, but they certianly require immediate response) d) gives him an 'excuse' to contact you if he wants to but is nervous about it (remember that he may be as nervous about being in touch with you as you are with him, especially as he was having crisis type stuff going at at the bomb)
I would guarantee that he will respond- more so if you don't ask him anything/make the contact unpressured. Also, it's a slightly different way of making contact I assume (since you mentioned to K that i didn't occur to you to try it initially). So a good way of 'doing something different'.
I used this method on my H today and got a response from him pretty quickly which I hadn't expected to. So as well as all the reasons above, it's a good thing to try because it works!!
Hope you're having an AWESOME day T-TheQueenOfTheCelloWorldAnd SuperHotChefGirl!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
