Totally Lost after 23 years

[steve477]

I step away for 2 minutes and look what you do!!

Where is James Bond?

It is hard, I know, you read my sitch, I did all the same things you are doing... R talks, feeling weak, crying, cant live without W.

I am trying to tell you what has worked for me. But you need to be able to do it for yourself, not for your W.

Dont tell friends, as you will force them to pick a side, and when this all blows over you will wish you had never said anything. I know the desire to tell someone and have them on your side. So pick a good male friend or 2. Tell them and let them sympathise with you. Make sure you let them know you want the M to work and you odnt want them to tell you to `leave the bitch`.

You cannot read your Ws mind. You dont know that she is all doom and gloom all the time. She could feel down because she hurt you, because she misses the OM, because she realises she needs to let OM go, or any of anther million reasons. Not all of them are detrimental to your M. This is something I had to get over. My Ws mood is not dependant on me. If she looks down after work it is very likely she had a bad day at work.

Things are bad now, and they may get a little worse IF you keep going on this course. Be a man, do you honestly think that if your W up and left tomorrow you would instantly stop breathing and die? Of course not. You are a man, go out and catch a sabre-tooth tiger or something...

You have things to be positive about. I want you to list the things you can be positive about. DO IT! HERE!

Listen to your W.

Understand
this is going to take time.

You seem to be religious. Dont think about this crap has happened to you.. oh woe is me. Think of it as an oppertunity, God is preparing you for something in the future, he is making you stronger. For all your weakness now, you will come out of this stronger.

Where are those flowers?


Cheers

Steve

[addie]

I have blown every single one of them so far! Each time I come out, I feel as if WW is saying to herself, "he just doesn't get it" and I am starting to.

If you are feeling this anxious about going to MC it may not be worth it to go. I have often read on this board that MC has done more harm than good because it just reaffirms for the WAS that the issues are not solveable. This may not be the right time for the two of you to be in MC. Is your MC a pro marriage therapist - if not then find one that is. It might be more beneficial for each one of you to continue IC and hold off on MC until W says she wants to try working on the M.

[FaithfulH]

I agree with Addie about MC. It would be great if your W said she wants to work on the marriage....but, her stated goal is S and D...right? In reality, she DOES want to work on the M or she wouldn't be at MC with you...but, it doesn't appear to me that either of you are ready. Pro Marriage counselors are a MUST. There are MANY counselors who believe it is their job just to help you 'move on'. Remember....it was this fact that led Michelle to her work of "Busting" Divorces.

Steve is a great resource too.....I particularly like his Sabre-tooth tiger line...LOL. Seriously, you need to make your self attractive again.....and this is not going to happen through something you say.....or by obsessing over everything your W says or does. GET YOUR OWN LIFE....GAL.....FOR JUST YOU! Guess what....you'll be better for everybody around you. Read....re-read...and re-read again....the Detach website.

Hi-ho, hi-ho....off to work I go!

[FaithfulH]

Sorry, one other thing. If you just tell your W that you are stopping MC, I can almost guarantee she will use that against you....at this point. So, how 'bout this...."Honey, I would like to put our MC on hold for a few weeks and I wanted to see if we could agree on that. I have been listening to the counselor and their are some things I need to do to work on me." Optional....whether you want to share any of those "things" with her. At this point, I would be more general than specific....."I have some goals I've set for myself".

BTW, regarding goals...my DB-Coach recommended that I set goals in these 5 areas:

Spiritual
Physical
Intellectual
Emotional
Social

[CBK]

Thanks all - I really appreciate the posts.

I am the CA Steve, keep falling back into cheeseless tunnels. I was actually pretty good last night. I was reading in bed, her door was closed. I am taking off for a trip, wanted to say goodnight and see you in a couple of days, but respected her space. Believe it or not, that was a huge step for me right now.

I agree about the MC, I want to know what our goals are and how do I ask if she is pro-marriage now that we have been meeting several times. I am thankful that we are in MC as it shows some effort, I just have to think more before I start to answer questions. That is the most difficult part.

I don't think I can get into too much trouble between now and Wednesday as I will be traveling! :-)

We both agreed that we would not tell our friends too much, I crossed the line a bit and sent them an email last night and asked his W that she just listen to my W and not cast any judgements. My buddy is a good friend and is part of my support group. They have no idea about the OM, just that I am working and WW wants out - that is where I crossed the line, getting them on my side. Lesson learned.

Right now, James Bond is not in his Tux or in his Austin Martin... Need to find him. Hour by hour...

I am not normally this weak, but this is taking an emotional toll as you all know. I keep telling myself there are no more tears to be shed... but there are and will be more.

Steve, I am getting better about the length of time... that is becoming a reality more and more. I try to ignore everything she is saying about where she is, but that is TOUGH.

Thanks again.

[CBK]

A bit of jounaling...

Sitting here in a different city, dying to call home. I so want to talk to her, but am being strong and will let her contact me if she needs to. Tonight will be especially difficult as I came off of an emotional weekend, a weak weekend that had me backslide. It is important that I stick to what needs to be done.

Steve, I will post later tonight on your request about listing the things I have to be positive about. I can think of many, but want to do on a different post.

Again, thanks to all those who have been helping me - so important.

[CBK]

Okay, a twist in the story. My D20 is coming home from college and she and W are planning to go to a concert on Mother's Day - W suggests bringing her mom and my mom! What does this mean? Maybe nothing, just trying to stay friends with MIL, means a lot, as MIL needs to travel a distance to get there, means a baby step or no step. My parents said if they do come up, they will stay in a hotel, I said NO WAY, S19 will stay in the office and they can have his room. It may be a little different, but that is what happens.

What do you all make of this???

Also, sitting her in my hotel dying to call W - trying to hold off as it will only be a day a day... but staying strong.

[Ready2Change]

...Also, sitting her in my hotel dying to call W - trying to hold off as it will only be a day a day... but staying strong.

Don't call! Do you have anyplace to go with live music? Watch some movies. Work out at the hotel?? Just ideas to get mind off W.

Stay strong!

[CBK]

I am trying Ready - so much going through my mind... A movie just started on HBO - I so want her to call me, but that ain't going to happen tonight, at least I don't think so... I hate this. Stomach is in total knots. I am reading posts on the board and IM'ing friends, that is helping, but all's I am doing is thinking about her.

Will go for a walk...

[Ready2Change]

My W called me daily. After Bomb, all calls stopped. I know it is so hard not to call W. What are your baby step goals?