Sorry to hear about your sitch Itsy. I am glad to hear that you are dooing good now. I think the hardest part of it all is hanging on to the marriage...but being te kind of people we are, we want to save the most important R one can have. If I knew it was truly over I would be better off...but I choose to stick it out...for me I have decided to move on once the D is final...bt until then I have to endure all the pain...plus I have to learn to deal with the rsentment and anger. This guy is the lowest of the low and he just lives care free while he helps to tear my family apart....I wish life was fair, but if I learn how to move on and let it go I'll be better off...I really hate the impact this will have on my three girls. How will this affect their future R's?? I just hope one day he realizes what he has done and feels the pain that he has been a part in causing...
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
Ouch. Hope for the best my friend. A pretty tough situation. I guess being in tight because of the mortgage isn't as tough as going to jail. Because I would have a hard time keeping my hands off of that guy. I really would. I admire your ability not to do something that you would regret.
I wish you luck and will send some prayers your way.
Me: 47 Pet: Kind labrador, 12 years old. Best Friend anybody could have.
Divorce final 12/07/07 No Kids
It is no longer about the divorce or about her. It's all about how I live my life now.
If it wasn't for the kids I would do something and spend the time in jail....but I love my kids more than anything. They pain of knowing I wouldn't be able to see them very often would be much worse than the agony I go through now....
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
All things, good and bad, eventually come to an end. Be strong, trust in God. If it helps, give it to God. Put it in his hands. Don't worry about the mortgage until it's time to worry about the mortgage. If it's paid today, that is all it counts.
TeddyRex
Me: 47 Pet: Kind labrador, 12 years old. Best Friend anybody could have.
Divorce final 12/07/07 No Kids
It is no longer about the divorce or about her. It's all about how I live my life now.
.My W called me tonigt and was pushing my buttons. She told me she wasn't going to pay her part of the mortgage anymore since she moved into the OM's house. Then she continued to go on and say that I was jealous because she was happy and I never made her happy.
it's almost like she is an evil witch trying to hurt me in every way she can......to start out she called me and told me how the kids weren't going to church Sunday because she wanted to take them to the beach with OM and his family and had to go on to tell me that her parents are going...like she s prposely shoving it in my face that they are accepting him....I am ready to explode!!!
Patrick,
You really need to protect yourself from this spew. Some DBers can take it. I for one couldn’t and went totally dark on my H. It really helped.
If it is hurting you and stopping you from healing and becoming strong after this shock then think about going dark and not being available to listen to her justifying her bad behaviour.
It certainly sounds like she is pressing your buttons trying to get you to retaliate and react. My H caught me out several time like this. He said and did things that he knew would trigger anger in me, when it did, he stood back and enjoyed the show. My anger and distress validated his decision to leave me and provided entertainment for him and OW.
I took control back and so can you. You choose what you want to listen to and how you react. If she calls to say she is taking the children to the beach instead of church, I would be tempted to say, hey that sounds like fun have a great time. She will do what she wants anyway. Take the wind out of her sails by saying or doing the total opposite to what she is expecting.
ragarding the house... all you can do is seek legal advice. I didn't have this situation to deal with but if she is threatening not to pay and you may lose your house, you need to seek legal help urgently.
You can get through this.
Nutty.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Patrick, it sounds like faith is important to you. I know that you have mentioned that it is important that the children go to church. For some people, it is a tradition or what they feel is expected or concern over their children and what challenges that face them which drive people to go to church. For others, it could be those reasons plus they want a real relationship with God.
I am mentioning this because it is important in helping you with how much you are being "attacked". I can feel the anguish you are going through. As rough as my situation is, I hurt when I read your posts. I want to do something to help. I can't. I wish I could.
For me, I did not want to give everything over to God. I felt like I had to be in control of my life. I thought that if I gave it to God, He really didn't do anything and that I was simply ignoring my problems. I learned that this was the opposite of what I received back from Him.
I am receiving peace back from Him and I receive verification everything is okay and that I am going to be fine. The only times I feel pain and anguish myself is when I fall back into my old routine and forget about Him. After suffering for awhile, I hit my head with my hand and realize I have tried to do this on my own again. I start talking to Him and asking Him for help. And I began to relax, reading His word which tells me that I am looking to closely at my situation and not remembering that this is not the rest of the story.
I cannot force you to seek Him out and would not dream of doing so. I am encouraging you to sincerely have a R with Him to save you from a really, really tough situation. The constant emotionaly strain is so unhealthy and the temptation to strike back has to be enormous. If you can reach some sort of peace, the challenges may not completely go away but they can be greatly reduced while you are living next door to your W and the OM.
I know a man who had a terrible alcohol and drug addiction that completely controlled his life. He only worried about his next fix and what he could score. His life was in a complete shambles. He had no home, no family (he stayed away from his parents because of his problems), no job and no future. A friend of mine, did not force God on this man but my friend showed God's love through his care and compassion. My friend did tell this man that he could get free of his addictions and change his life if he really wanted to by asking God to be the master of his life.
My friend spent over a year helping this man out at different times, finally helping this man to move out of the town he was living in and to a new place where he could move into his own apartment. This man decided enough was enough and he could no longer do this on his own and asked God to heal him and guide him.
The man did this at the beginning of this year and has remained clean and sober since January. He had no withdrawals. He has a job. He has his own apartment. His parents are in his life again and they all go to church together. This man is a strong man because he knew he was too weak to do this on his own and turned to the Lord.
This is a true story. Will he make it or will he turn back to his old ways? I believe his sincerity about his relationship is real. I believe he belongs to God and He will see this man through the "wilderness".
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I tried giving it over to God and things continued to get worse....so I felt that maybe God doesn't control everything, it helped to stop blaming Him. I am trying to ask Him to help me be strong and maybe for Him to help my W realize how important our M is. I still have good and bad days. Agood day is when I realize my kids and I will be OK and that I will find happiness again someday. A bad day is when I wonder why he is letting this happen to our family...sometimes it is impossible to imagine how I've gotten where I am today...Every night I go to bed and I feel like I am living the nightmare over and over...getting into bed by yourself after 17 years of marriage is so lonely....
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
Patrick, I can relate completely. I will say "giving it over to God" is not a one time thing, i.e. you do it once and then you walk away from bearing the pain and responsibility. It is a day-to-day thing and it gets easier.
And, your last sentence is a resounding agreement by me that I do not like going to bed alone. It will have been 18 years for me this year.
Hang in there buddy. Do not lose faith. It is worth it.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
