i'm clueless....

[ann25]

Wow..... WAY TO GO ANN !!!! That was fantanstic!! both in your courage to finally face him about things, and also in how you handled it. Wonderful! I am so happy for you!!

Thanks!

Do NOT just sit back and "let him think about it" indefinately.
If you wait for a few days and say nothing... I think that things will all just fade away, and he'll pretend you never had your talk.
I think that you need to keep it "fresh" in his mind to some degree. Yet without being overly .... naggy? nasty?
I think that the really tough "time to be nasty/confrontational" time is now mostly over, at least for a while.

I agree. I can't just sit back and let him ignore it. I'm hoping he won't, but I don't want to wait and find out. I don't want to nag him either. I think that i need to find a happy medium.

Now I think that he may be more open to a "together" approach.
Maybe just a LITTLE bit each night... For a few minutes each night, ask how his thoughts are, and stuff like that.

I like this. I'll try it.

I think you had a fantastic breakthrough, in that both he talked about his not trusting anyone.. AND that he stil trusts you "more than anyone else", even if he cant trust you completely.
I think that's a really encouraging sign of a solid foundation that you can build on together. That's so good !!

I have always known about his lack of trust in people in general. I always thought he had trusted me, but while we were talking and I kept going back, i realized, he's always done this. Accused me of cheating on him or finding someone else or something. he told me that I've asked the same of him. and I explained that when you trust someone and you ask that question, you take their answer at face value. You don't keep asking and getting angry about it every day. It took a lot of explaining for him to see all the ways he's shown a lack of faith in me. I couldn't actually get him to admit that he's never trusted me, but him saying that at least he does trust me is really good.

It would probably help if you put it like that;
IE: going to marriage counselling, is not about "going to someone and having them take over your life". It should be about talking to someone with a lot of experience, and having them suggest things that could be helpful to the two of you, based on their experience

I feel like while MC would be a good idea for us, that until he is willing to look at himself and figure out why he gets that way and why he starts suddenly thinking i'm cheating, it's not going to do a whole lot of good. I've been seeing a C. She's great and has helped me a lot. I think some IC for him would really help too. I'm seriously scared that if this happens again, i won't be able to handle it and I'll leave. I need for him to start working this out so it doesn't....

oh. and one more word of warning:

good news... i think i realized where my biggest problem in our R is right now. His lack of trust in me.

It's certainly a huge issue, at an emotional level. But i dont think it's "the biggest issue".
I think that the biggest issue at a practical level, is that he doesnt spend enough time with you.

I appreciate that you think that and yes, spending time together is important. For me though, i'm not feeling an emotional connection to him. I'm not saying i need his trust right now, but I do need to know that this won't happen again. I honestly think that's what is holding me back. I can't go through this again and I won't. I'll leave. I know that. So, i think i'm holding back.

I need to know he understands his issues and is willing to work on them so we can hopefully prevent this. I don't need his trust, i need him to try. That was the hardest thing i heard last night... i told him that i needed him to try and figure out how to start trusting people and why he can't and he is adimant that it's just the way he is, he doesn't trust and he never will. it doesn't have to be like that.

Yes, we need time together, but we also need an emotional connection. I need it at least. I just want to love my H again.

Prioritize, both in terms of general importance, but also in terms of "what do you need to be better, right now?"
Yes, the trust issue is important. But dont let that distract you from the more immediate, pressing, practical needs in your relationship.

What do i need right now, something from him that says, i'm not going to avoid doing stuff. I'm going to go to a Dr. appt. I'm going to talk about our M. I'm going to help with the girls.... something little. something that says, hey, i'm trying...

Thanks Dom...