Thank you, Deuxlie (what does your name mean?)for taking the time to write that out. It was helpful and I wish I had read it last Thursday.

I'm in BC, limbo, where we had snow! this weekend - but that seems to be over now.

This is going to be a long email, because I have several days worth of venting to do.

So, Friday morning I asked him to take the quiz, which he did, confirming that physical touch is most important to him, but other things are too. He asked to see mine, which I couldn't find at that moment, so I told him that quality time came up the highest on mine. He had two reactions to this - that we were really different \:\( and that he couldn't give me any quality time because his emotions are all over the place - he 'doesn't love me'. All I accomplished was to bring this up again, a real set back since I think he may have been starting to forget (occasionally) that he doesn't have the feelings he thinks he should have. I did not handle this terribly well - spent some time crying alone in our bedroom and when I pulled myself together enough to come out, started crying again as soon as my H tried to hug me. I don't really remember what was said before he left for work, but I know that I told him that I'd rather have the painful truth than be lied to.

After he left, I sent him an email letting him know that my employer has switched providers of their employee assistance program and giving him the contact info, which may not have been the best excuse but it was what I could think of to say that I didn't expect them to help him figure out that he had a fantastic woman, that I thought he'd come to that conclusion on his own - trying to be upbeat, ya know. No response.

After work, H headed over to a baseball meeting (he's quite involved with S's team)and didn't get home until close to 9 p.m. I knew he was going to the meeting, but expected him around 6 or 7. I've been really good about just letting him come and go without comment, but after the stressful start to the day, I unfortunately blew it and angrily said that I would have appreciated a phone call. He avoided me for the rest of the evening.

I was pretty busy Saturday, but was friendly and courteous whenever we ran into each other and by the end of the day he seemed a bit more relaxed. Saturday night he had plans with a friend. He knows how much it upsets me when he has time and energy for everyone but me - it's been an issue for years - I guess that's what I can expect from someone who doesn't actually want to be with me. I pasted a smile on my face when he left and told him to have a good time, didn't give him a hard time at all the next day about the fact that he got home really late (or early, depending how you look at it).

I knew where he was going, but didn't know that it was going to be a lot of people. I asked if it was just him and the other two people he had mentioned as being there - he seemed to answer easily enough that there were quite a few people there he didn't know, but asking was probably a mistake.

Later in the morning I found a business card in his pocket (woman) and spend several hours trying to decide what to say, if anything. He probably noticed that I was distant (but still courteous) and likely thought that I was pissed off about his going out the night before - that was the pattern before, I'd get mad and stop talking to him.

I decided that I would ask him - told him that I had found it that I 'hoped' he'd tell me about it. I tried to stay low key, but started crying almost as soon as I started talking. He said it was nothing, just a conversation - I asked how she was, what she looked like - hating myself every time I opened my mouth. I could see him shrinking back into himself, but I couldn't stop myself. To top things off, I said that I didn't know what we were doing, whether we were just living in the same house or working on things, and that while I could live with that for now, I'd appreciate it if he didn't sleep with anyone else or do any internet stuff while he was living in this house and that if decided he was going to do that, he needed to tell me. Crying the whole time, of course. I APOLOGIZED for needing to ask, saying that I thought I know how it feel from his point of view, having to answer these kinds of questions - I APOLOGIZED!!! to the man who has been lying to me and cheating on me for years, the reason I had to go through the humiliation of blood tests, etc., to make sure that I didn't have infections I didn't know about. I can't express how angry it makes me that I am in this position, so scared that he will leave that I'm behaving like this spineless doormat. I have tears streaming down my face as I type this and it's all I can do not to pick up the computer and throw against the wall. I have a great deal of work to do, but perhaps I'll take the dog for a walk instead or have a shower or something - I haven't felt like this for ages! Yesterday I had to take a tranquillizer, something I haven't had to do since I started the ADs. May be time to have those bumped up again, god forbid some feelings should leak out and make my H uncomfortable!

As a result of the last few days, we are several steps back. I've been feeling almost as wretched as when I first heard that he no longer loved me, with a lot of fear that he is thinking about leaving again. I've been thinking on and off all morning about sending an email, trying to express the fact that I don't want to be that angry, suspicious woman he's been living with for years (not that I didn't have reason to be) but I can't find the right words.

I guess I made the mistake of thinking that because he hadn't moved out, I could start to relax a little and actually share a little bit of what's going on inside, but he's obviously not ready for that. I just hope that I haven't screwed it up too badly and that I can find the strength to DB effectively yet again.