Well, first, going to talk to a L does not actually mean you have to go through with it. Second, letting your H know you are talking to a L may be a huge wake-up call for him. Third, you should know your rights and options.
Feel the fear and do it anyways if it's what you decide is right for you. Don't let your fear dictate your actions.
(((Sara)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I just called a lawyer and got a price and hours and hung up. I am just too emotional at this moment to go through with it. I will try tomorrow....
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
((((Sara)))) You can find someone that does a free consultation. I did that in the beginning just so that I knew my rights and the kind of things that I would need if it did get to the point of D. It doesn't mean you are giving up and it doesn't mean you have to follow through with everything. Just knowing the laws will give you more confidence in what you are doing.
I didn't feel that I had the strength to do it either and I was VERY nervous, but they have heard worse stories than yours and they are pretty good at making people feel comfortable.
You don't have to decide anything today. Give it a week trying to limit contact and see where you are in a week.
Second, letting your H know you are talking to a L may be a huge wake-up call for him.
I'd go with this first, before you do anything else. A L can't make him leave unless you go through a court battle, but letting him know you mean business might. Take time to think, don't rush into anything right now, if going dark helps you clear your head then go with that.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
After I thought about it, I am really going to try this whole going dark before I go to the lawyer. Maybe it won't work. But it has to be better than what I am going through now. When I told him yesterday he said, "but what will I have for dinner?" and "if you want you can come back and sleep in the bed with me." I really think this might make an immpact on him. And...I realize that I still do not have proof that he is back with the OW. There are strong suspicions but I am not totally sure. I still want to wait it out and get the truth before I proceed.
I also want to say that I feel like I am painting my H with a really ugly brush. Yes, he has done all of these awful things, but I swear he isn't the monster I feel like I am making him to be. I know he does care for me in his own way. He isn't showing it to me the way he should, but I know that he does care about me. I guess you all understand that, but I just feel like I am only showing one side of him.
Emotionally I am not at the lawyer yet. Not to say that I can't be there very soon, but today at this moment, I am not there. And one thing I learned early in this whole mess is that if I am not emotionally ready for something, it doesn't work out for me. I know that I wont' be in the state of mind I am currently in forever and I will get that strength to go see the lawyer that was recommended. Today my big goal was to make myself get up and go work. My work day is almost over, so I accomplished that and had a good day with the students.
Actually...when I came into my classroom today. I found a note on my chalkboard written by a student I had last year. It said, "I love you Mrs. S!!" So....even if my H says (notice I always say that he says this..not that he means it) that he doesn't love me, at least I know that my former student does. Totally make me tear up, but also totally made my day.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Star, Only you know what you want to do in your situation. By no means are we trying to suggest things that you aren't comfortable doing. We are just throwing out some ideas. All of our situations are different yet so similar.
We are here to support you. We all have been hurt and betrayed.
Going dark may be the wake up call he needs.
I teach school too. What level do you teach? I teach high school.
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Feel the fear and do it anyways if it's what you decide is right for you. Don't let your fear dictate your actions.
Truly words of wisdom.
I was very scared and afraid to make that move, too, Sara. Afraid of what would happen, of what was to come. Afraid of what the future held for me. I desperately wanted to hold on to what I always knew to be my comfort zone, my safe place, my home, my life. Calling a L was something that I perceived as being drastic and being...final.
Well I finally mustered the strength to make the call because I had had enough. I was still scared, but I knew I had to do it. I had to get it over with. So I made that call to the L, and I survived. It wasn't all that bad. A little sad, but definitely not bad.
And you do not have to make any decisions, permanent or otherwise, right then and there. A good L will not push you.
You will be ok. No matter what happens, you will get through this.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Sara,... watch too for "info sessions" at local libraries and what not. Some firms have these sessions to gain clients and it doesn't cost you anything to go listen. Not to mention, it'll get you out of the house for a while, while you're in dark mode. Check out some of the freebie newpapers that all cities seem to have now... you might find some "Free" consult type things.
Don't forget too... your H is in total selfish, confused state. OW, erratic behavior is all part of the pot we find ourselves in. (Mine actually asked me if I wanted go to the bar where the man he accused me of sleeping with, was working last night on the way home from the movie. - hell I swear sometimes he forgets he has asked for this stupid separation, but I digress.) My point... They do and say dumb things,... waffling on no contact with the OP is also part of the same pattern of bizarre behavior perhaps in your case. (I even fully expect mine might hop the fence for a while again too when I'm gone)... if so... LET it happen. That's what I decided to do. Hard as it might be... can't make em do something or stop doing something they get their minds set on.
Mean time.... Go dark and let him self destruct. Try to become and be the person that he'd be an UTTER fool and idiot not to want to be with. I've mixed a little bit of another "program" with the DBing and it's seemed to help in my case,... Staying out of the bed might be something you can change your mind about later... just don't accuse... collect data and verify. And just remember, many of us think our spouses need a 2 x 4 smack across the head too. *smile*
Hang in there.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Totally make me tear up, but also totally made my day.