Had a big talk with H last night. He kept trying to get out of it, but i did his whole yelling and argueing thing till he just realized i wasn't going to let it go. It took me over 2 hours, but i think i got everything out. By the end, he had stopped talking and was just sitting there, but i didn't need him to really respond, i needed him to listen.
Lots of things were said, and it started out over the video games, but within a very short period of time, i realized it REALLY wasn't the video games that was bothering me. It is that every time things seem good enough, he burries his head in something. Last time it was work and this time it happened to be video games. It's not the thing he is doing that bothers me it's that whatever it is, gets all his focus and he continues to avoid the things he doesn't know how to deal with.
He said i was being short tempered, frustrated and had too much going on all day and that he was just going to go outside. I told him if it seemed like i was frustrated and overwhelmed, that his leaving the house was certainly not going to help. He was confused, so i explained that when he is frustrated or has had a long day, i take the girls in their room, i make sure he has time and space to relax, i don't run away to avoid dealing with it. He asked what i wanted help with. I told him to look around. To figure out what the next thing he was going to get mad about was (cause i hadn't gotten it done) and just do it. That we are supposed to be a team and it's supposed to be 50/50, not me being his mommy and telling him to go clean his room. (a little unnecessary, but too late. ) kinda yelled back and forth about that a little while.
We talked about his paranoia and stress and the fact that it seems like he is always sick and refuses to do anything about it. He won't go to a Dr. and i practically have to shove cold medicine or tylenol down his throat when he's sick. I told him that if he wants things to get better that he needs to deal with stuff and not just push it off. He finally got his car back and that was what was holding him up before, but the first thing he did was make some other excuse when i brought it up... I told him that is what i was talking about.
good news... i think i realized where my biggest problem in our R is right now. His lack of trust in me. Granted, now he has a reason not to, but prior to our M, he doubted and accused me also and there was no reason then. This time, when the accusations started, there was no reason either. I told him that after the EA happened, i took a good hard look at myself and started working on me. I know that I have low self esteem, need approval and attention from others and I avoid conflict like the plague. Because i know those things about myself now, i can come up with different ways to react when I'm feeling hurt. I've talked with friends and family, so that if they see me withdrawing that they can help me deal with it. I've taken steps to ensure that i won't go down the same path, but he hasn't.
He admits that he has trust issues, that he always has and that he trusts no one. He can't remember why the accusations started the first time (prior to M) and he can't remember why they started this time. He doesn't remember why he started treating me so badly and why he started hurting me. I told him it's like they always told us in history class in highschool "those who don't know their history are doomed to repeat it". I told him what really scares me is that because he refuses to do anything to work on his lack of trust in people in general, much less me and he doesn't even know what caused things to change, that it's going to happen again. I told him i can guarantee that next time there will be no OM, but that I can't guarantee there will be much of a M left. That if he doesn't start really looking at himself and addressing his issues, that nothing will change. Things won't get any better, but eventually they will get worse.
He didn't say much and eventaully i just stopped talking. I started cleaning a little bit and we both just kinda acted like nothing had happened. I was giving him time and I think he was just kinda processing it all. We took the girls outside to play catch and help D3 with hitting a softball. When it got dark, we came inside and the girls and i ate and he fell asleep on the couch. I got the girls into bed and when he woke up, he went out to get food. The last thing he told me before he left was that he may not trust anyone completely, but of all the people he does trust a little, he trusts me the most, even after the EA. I think it took a lot for him to say that, so I'm hoping that he's at least trying to think about things...
The way i see it, one of two things will happen now. 1. he'll realize that he does need to address these things and actually try to work on it. or 2. he'll be nice for a couple days, then return to hiding from things in our M.
Like i told him. I'm willing to stick around and try and do my best, but i won't deal with the pain and hurt that i went through before. That if it comes to that, he won't need to tell me he wants a D this time, because I will leave. That when you love someone, you just don't treat them like that.
I hope he is willing to look at his part in all this and see what's going on.... ------------- I'm sure i said and did a ton of things wrong in this, but i did it the only way i could. I guess now i just wait....
ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
) kinda yelled back and forth about that a little while. 
