Thanks for posting this. I bet it was good to write.
We have been here together for almost two years now so you know I will be open.
Glad you did not send the letter. I felt in a way it was "controlling" (yes, that bad word again) but what really concerned me was that it had pursuit written all over it. Plus the "poor me, I forgive you, my turn now" flavor.
Since I am officially single again I am reading up on dating and attraction. Yes, I have to read up - it has been a long time. The one thing I have read which I believe is that attraction is not a choice. It is either there or it is not. If it is there, it can either be grown or it can go away, depending on the actions of both parties.
And by attraction I mean the "spark". Let us look at this:
Quote:
At one point I would have welcomed advances from you. i will warn you now that you have an uphill struggle because I am turned off to you. I still find you attractive but there is no spark.
That is a concern b/c once the spark is gone, it is very difficult to get it back. I don't say that to be negative, I say it b/c all you can do now is give H the opportunity to create that spark. Tell H how you feel and leave the rest to him. Make no demands or conditions.
But you must also try to create a spark. I know you are tired but try you must. No, not with sexy underware. Not by suggesting to H what he should do. You cannot control him.
And pursuit and poor-me is not attractive as you know.
How to create attraction? My studies on dating tell me that attraction comes from within. Call it your "deep inner game". Feel good about you and life in general and you will be attractive to others. Sure, I can learn some "pick-up lines" and dress better, but my inner game controls my outer game.
You know the drill. The GAL drill. Do things to boost that self-esteem and confidence. Focus on you again. I think you have lost that a little of late. I like your last lines on this post - the exercising, going out, etc.
Good.
And do wear the sexy underthings. But wear them for the right reasons. Do you wear them to try to turn H on or do you wear them b/c they feel good, that they make YOU feel sexy about yourself?
Better H sees you going out in them rather than you wearing them just for him with an expectation.
Make him wonder. Why is she wearing sexy clothes, why is she going out more, why is she hitting the gym so often?
THAT is how you create attraction. Be coy, hard to get. No expectations. Do for you, not him.
You are doing great. This is so hard but I know you are up to it. If H is not, well everything you do for YOU will pay great dividends.
I have come to realize that marriage can quickly lead to co-dependence. It happens and we don't even see it coming. The best relationships are when both partners don't need.
Chin up. On with the race. DB never ends, it must never end.
You will do well - count on it. We believe in you.
