Theme of the day is setting expectations at zero after yesterday.
Journaling:
H called me early yesterday. Around 9 a.m. He sounded down and his voice was cracking. He asked how my evening was and I told him and I asked how his was and he replied awful. I asked if something bad happened at work and he replied no it was just an awful evening.
We then got to talking and he asked once again how I could still want him or love him. I replied that love is unconditional and forgiveness is a gift, so that is how I try to lead my life…especially where he is concerned.
He asked why I don’t call him or why I didn’t pay much attention to him at d13’s game Saturday and I told him that I wanted him to be happy and that if letting him go was going to make him happy, that is what I was doing. I told him his happiness is important to me and he asked if I thought he was happy. I told him I hoped he was and he replied he was not. He has nothing.
I said he has 2 women who love and care about him….he replied no he does not. I asked him to explain and he said that she (MOW) doesn’t love him. She doesn’t care about him…..
So, anyway, H kept saying how messed up he is. Cried that he lost his boy, s16. Was really down. I finally told h before we hung up that I missed him. He said he missed me to. I replied I know you miss the kids and he said…no I miss you.
Anyway, H came by for a little while in the afternoon. He had to work, last night, so he didn’t stay long. He sat on the couch and cried and when I asked if he was ok he said no. I gave him a hug and he hugged me back so hard. He then slept for a bit and when he woke up to go to work he said he didn’t want to go to work…he didn’t want to leave.
Last night around 11 h tm’d me. Said he was driving. He asked if he could stop and I told him yes. He then said he was sorry. I tm’d him asking for what. He said…for being such an ass.
He came in and lay down with me. I could tell he was drinking. I don’t think he was drunk, but I am not sure. We fell asleep until the morning. After I got back from taking d13 to the bus and before s16 woke up, h got up and came out of the bedroom. He was crying. I asked if he was ok…and he said “I am just really messed up.” He is working tonight…so I am not sure when I will see him. I think he went back to his parents’ house to sleep.
One final thing, although I am forgetting a bunch, H had this cluster of objects dangling from his rear view mirror. I know that it was from MOW. This morning I saw it on the floor in his car.
So expectations are at 0. For all I know he could have kissed and made up with MOW. I pray he has an appointment with his C today…but I am not sure since has to work.
That’s all folks……..Snodderly, Jack….anyone, please keep me grounded.
