Ok, sorry if I repeat things...and I imagine this is going to be long. I just want to write more about our talk to get my thoughts together....I was so tired last night I am surprised I wrote anything coherant.
Our talk last night was about 2 hours long. It actually started off not so good. H first started saying "well, you have to do what you have to do. I can't be what you need." With that I responded "It isn't what I want, but if you can't commit to at least trying then I will file for D tomorrow."
After I said that he said "I think you should wait to file after the house sells." I told him that there was no point in that. He wasn't helping me with the house anyway and there is no telling how long it will take the house to sell...that couldn't be an excuse. Then he said "I am just not ready to be divorced." I asked him what the difference was besides a piece of paper, we haven't seen each other in over three weeks, we have barely even talked on the phone, people he works with don't even know he is M...so what's the difference? He told me that D just seemed so final and he wasn't ready for that. I asked him how it was so easy for him to file for D when he did it and he just said that it didn't seem real. (living in fantasy world with OW) Now he said it just seems so final.
I have realized that H has a hard time communicating with me for fear of hurting my feelings (despite the fact that he had an affair). He tiptoes around me and I am not sure why that is.
He did say that he feels like he needs to get himself together financially because he doesn't want me to think he wanted to work it out just because he needed me financially.
Oh yeah, I brought up counseling and in the beginning he said no. He said we didn't need a third person involved (HA!...that is how I feel about OW!) Then after talking about it a little more he seemed open to it. I told him that it helped me to communicate better and sometimes things they say click, such as when our counselor told me that H sees my worrying as controlling...just as a child would think that of their parents. I think when I started making it more about me rather than him is when he seemed more open to it. We'll see. I would like to go, but it isn't a deal breaker.
Last night he also said that he always felt he struggled to be as close to me as my friends. I have a couple of close friends that I have known since I was a kid. He said he couldn't compete with that. Then when I was in college he was stationed in Japan for a while. He said he felt I had these close bonds with my college friends that I never had with him. He said he always felt like an outsider when he was around my friends and that I never have as much fun with him as I do with them. Now, I understand how he could think these thing...but in reality that is not the case. I have never been closer to anyone than I am to H. I just feel so comfortable around him and I truly did and still do think of him as my best friend.
He said some really great things about me last night. He also said that if I had been a B!tch through all of this, then it would have been really easy to leave me. He said he has just seen how much I care about him and what a great person I am which made it hard to just close the door.
So anyway his suggestion was that we date and start to see each other more and more frequently to rebuild our friendship and then talk about moving in together.
