Yesterday night I went to talk to W. I thought the ice wall wasn't very constructive. I was relaxed, I just said that I am sorry we cannot have some level of friendship. I think we could not be real friends, like we use to be, but some level of friendship would be useful because I hate to see the kids seeing that we don't talk to each other, anyway I am fine with whatever she decide, just that was my take. It came out she was upset with me for what I said to the kids about OM, the thing that OM wasn't nice to me. That OM actually is very scrupulous, he has a big integrity and didn't start the relation with her until she told him VERY clearly that she would NEVER go back with me and D was for sure. She knows the guy well from long time, she was never attracted by him, but when she was sure she wanted out of M and she wanted another relation to fill the void, she started looking around at her job, she said this was a necessary step to move on. She tried to send "clear" messages to another guy first (a single)she liked, but he wasn't very responsive, then she tried with this one (also single) and the "message" went through. Now she wants to try with this guy, she says he HAS to know the kids, also if in a "sensitive" way, because they are big part of her life and she wants to see if he is going to run away or not. I listened, I said I understand, but the kids keep talking about this guy and I think, for her own sake, is a bit too early to expose them to OM. From that point our conversation became friendly again, we joked a bit and it seemed like the old times. I said that she should know I am going to joke about all the flaws of this guy, and we laughed a bit about it and she said she could tell me some things I could make fun of, I made a bit fun about the fact that he is a bit old for her age, but I didn't want to know anything else. She told she is not made of stone and it is hard to throw away 7 years of M, that OM got bothered that she was saying how good I am and he said "if he is so good why don't you go back with him?" Also if this words where said in between jokes I treasured them, maybe down in her mind there is room for some doubt. At the and of the conversation I said that S has been good for me in some level, I didn't like the guy I became in this years and I used M as crutches for my problems and I couldn't walk by myself anymore. I am happy I am walking again and I feel very good about it, I am sorry of the price I had to pay to regain my independence but I am enjoying my new self. At times her eyes got wet a bit and I think she is seeing my changes and my resolution to keep the changes going, but I am sure she still think it is too little too late.
