I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

Mike,

Well, I sure know what you mean about over analyzing. With my H "talking" to me last week and then the "not cleaning" we did last night, today I was in bit of a spin, kept thinking about all kinds of things I wanted to say to him for most of the morning. Finally I did call and initiated a R talk... I know, I know, shouldn't do that. But BFM said that I should follow my instinct, so I did. Now I don't know if it was a mistake, but H has said that he wanted me to talk to him, he felt that I've been holding back. I think if he can come right out and tell me what he needs, it would be foolish to do the opposite. That would not be DBing.

I was not desperate or pleading and did my best not to sound like I was trying to tell him what to do. I told him that I was at a place where I was either going to give him 100% or move on with my life, but I didn't feel I could give him 100% if he could not do the same. I asked if he thought he was ready to do that, and he said that's what he's been trying to tell me, that he feels that he's constantly trying to prove himself to me and he's not getting anywhere. He said I don't say ILY unless he says it first. I asked if it wasn't that he's just afraid to lose me, and he said it's that too, but he wants to talk to me and wants me to talk to him.

I told him that I was not interested in playing games any more. I told him that I forgive him and he thanked me for saying that and said that he did know if I was able to do that. I told him that I am much stronger than he thinks I am, that I know that I don't need him to be happy, but that having him in my life adds to my happiness. I told him that I don't want to build a future with him because I am dependent on him, because he is the center of my universe, because I choose to do so with him. I told him that I do not think he is a terrible person because of what he did to me and that I think I understand more about what is going on than he realizes, that there is much more to this than simply an A. He said he agreed.

It was a pretty big R talk, and I know that these are not recommended, and perhaps I jumped the gun a bit, given the way I felt that things were going lately. But I guess that's why it's best not to try to figure out what is going on in their heads and instead look at what they are actually doing. I took his talks last week as an indication that now is a good time to respond to him. Quite possibly my detachment was the catalyst to him opening up, since my detachment was sincere and real this time, and I do believe that he felt it.

The essential thing now is for me to keep my expectations at a minimum, while still showing him that I am there for him and that I do want him in my life, and balance that with continuing to live my own life and continue to GAL. It's going to be like juggling, and I've never been very good at that. One week of talking does not a reconciliation make, and I have to remember that piecing is very difficult, possibly the most difficult part of DBing, since we open ourselves up to being hurt or disappointed all over again. I know we both feel very vulnerable and I told him that this was going to be hard, but I said that I think that we can have alot of fun too, but let's start figuring this out.

This week will be a long one, I think, and though I am feeling a bit optimistic, I am also feeling much more grounded that I have in the past. If he pulls back, I'll be ready for it, in fact I expect it.

Mike, speaking of fires, you could possibly think of your sitch as being that you are now setting it up, chopping up the wood into kindling, rolling up the balls of newspaper, laying the kindling over them in a teepee shape, laying out the foundation of the fire. Maybe the fire you are able to build will be small, a close friendship, but it will still warm you both. As time goes on, you will each put another small piece of wood on that fire, keep that small fire going with the little things you do to preserve the friendship. Or maybe as time goes on and you build a good bed of coals, you both may be able to build up that fire, put bigger pieces of wood on it until it becomes much, much larger. But what you are doing is essential to making that fire one that will keep burning. I was never very good at building fires b/c I was too impatient, but last summer I took D camping, just her and I, and I realized all the work that it takes to build a proper fire, figured out that it can't be rushed, not if you want it to last.

That's it, my wisdom for today. And I'm taking my own advice and not throwing any big logs on the fire just yet.

Take care,
FA