H just called to say he was off work. He didn't sound like he was in a good mood...maybe he senses the talk. I didn't say "we need to talk"....but he still may sense it. He always automatically gets defensive when I want to talk about the R. We'll see how it goes.
H and I went out and had a few drinks, then back to his place for "the talk". When I started he said "I knew there was a reason for dinner and drinks." It didn't start out great. I told him exactly what I though about him, his happiness, his negativity, his feeling sorry for himself..etc. I really just needed to get all of that off my chest.
I told him we were either working on this or we weren't. I said there were certain things I needed to happen either way. He asked what would need to happen if we were working on it. I told him we would need to move in together, tackle our bills together, go to counseling, wear our wedding rings, open up about OW...there were other things, but I won't list everything
So we talked about A LOT of things...OW included. He FINALLY told me some things that bugged him about me in our marriage. He wished that I was more spontaneous mainly and he felt like I would parent him. I agreed those were things I needed to work on, but I didn't realize he wanted me to be more spontaneous...there were some other things that he said that completely surprised me. I told him that if we decide to try this that he is going to have to be more open with me...I can't read his mind.
Anyway, in the end he told me he didn't want to get a divorce. He told me he wanted to work on it but he thought that moving in together right now would be skipping a step. He said he wanted to date and slowly spend more and more time together to rebuild that connection. I agreed to that. Then he told me he was off work Wednesday and asked me to lunch...then said he was off work Friday and asked me to a movie.
I got a hug and a kiss when I left and it actually felt like old times. We joked around and things didn't feel awkward. He told me he understood my need for him to be completely open with his phone and email. I told him I would need him to cut off all contact with OW. He said he had thought about getting rid of his cell or changing the number. He also said he hadn't talked to her since he called her and told her to take the picture off of myspace.
Ok, that is all I can think of right now. I will write more tomorrow. I am so tired right now I can hardly remember everything anyway. It did go better than expected though.
(((Kris))) Yay! Seems like that was a VERY good R talk. And a lunch and movie date in the same week? This is definitely good progress. I am glad he seemed to respect your thoughts and feelings and that he opened up to you.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Ok, sorry if I repeat things...and I imagine this is going to be long. I just want to write more about our talk to get my thoughts together....I was so tired last night I am surprised I wrote anything coherant.
Our talk last night was about 2 hours long. It actually started off not so good. H first started saying "well, you have to do what you have to do. I can't be what you need." With that I responded "It isn't what I want, but if you can't commit to at least trying then I will file for D tomorrow."
After I said that he said "I think you should wait to file after the house sells." I told him that there was no point in that. He wasn't helping me with the house anyway and there is no telling how long it will take the house to sell...that couldn't be an excuse. Then he said "I am just not ready to be divorced." I asked him what the difference was besides a piece of paper, we haven't seen each other in over three weeks, we have barely even talked on the phone, people he works with don't even know he is M...so what's the difference? He told me that D just seemed so final and he wasn't ready for that. I asked him how it was so easy for him to file for D when he did it and he just said that it didn't seem real. (living in fantasy world with OW) Now he said it just seems so final.
I have realized that H has a hard time communicating with me for fear of hurting my feelings (despite the fact that he had an affair). He tiptoes around me and I am not sure why that is.
He did say that he feels like he needs to get himself together financially because he doesn't want me to think he wanted to work it out just because he needed me financially.
Oh yeah, I brought up counseling and in the beginning he said no. He said we didn't need a third person involved (HA!...that is how I feel about OW!) Then after talking about it a little more he seemed open to it. I told him that it helped me to communicate better and sometimes things they say click, such as when our counselor told me that H sees my worrying as controlling...just as a child would think that of their parents. I think when I started making it more about me rather than him is when he seemed more open to it. We'll see. I would like to go, but it isn't a deal breaker.
Last night he also said that he always felt he struggled to be as close to me as my friends. I have a couple of close friends that I have known since I was a kid. He said he couldn't compete with that. Then when I was in college he was stationed in Japan for a while. He said he felt I had these close bonds with my college friends that I never had with him. He said he always felt like an outsider when he was around my friends and that I never have as much fun with him as I do with them. Now, I understand how he could think these thing...but in reality that is not the case. I have never been closer to anyone than I am to H. I just feel so comfortable around him and I truly did and still do think of him as my best friend.
He said some really great things about me last night. He also said that if I had been a B!tch through all of this, then it would have been really easy to leave me. He said he has just seen how much I care about him and what a great person I am which made it hard to just close the door.
So anyway his suggestion was that we date and start to see each other more and more frequently to rebuild our friendship and then talk about moving in together.
Yes, it felt very good to clear the air. It seemed like he finally understood my need to know about his R with OW. He talked some about it last night but after a 2 hour R talk he asked if we could continue that portion another night and I agreed. R talks are so draining!
This morning the whole thing seemed kind of surreal. I think he knows now that I do have a breaking point and he needs to get his act together.
Does anybody know of a good book to read that would help me work through my feelings about OW and forgiveness. I have seen people mention "Not Just Friends" Should I start there?
I was just thinking about something else H said. We did talk about the picture OW put up on myspace. He said that when he called her about it she told him that she still had feelings for him.
H said "I don't know why she would have thought that anything had changed. It is over and I haven't done ANYTHING to make her think otherwise.....unless she thinks that just because I talk to her on the phone sometimes that I want something more." Ding Ding Ding! I said YES that is why she thinks that....THAT is why it is important for you to cut off all contact with her.
I think he got it after that. So maybe something good will come of her putting those pics up after all.
