I was going to make full report this evening, but S3 got sick and threw up all over his bed -- twice now since I started writing this. The first time, he projectile vomited a fountain that descended right back into his face just as I ran in the bedroom. He screeched in agony and disgust, and I rushed him into the shower/bathtub.
S3 got a second and third bath tonight and S7 got to complain to me of the stench in their bedroom. I'd been cleaning up the mess for well over an hour now when he tossed his cookies again.
I am proud I held it together however, as it was very bad. Normally I would have been retching myself.
I am a bit exhausted now. So all I will try to give are the "highlights" of this week.
I've been spending a lot of my time with the members from my DivorceCare support group. Aside from our regular Monday night meeting, we have met for dinner at a Mexican restaurant on Wednesday and gone to a Durham Bulls baseball game on Friday. On top of this I have been corresponding via email with a few of my new friends quite regularly.
My W and I continue to butt heads. And the mediation is getting to be pointless. The mediator, who W hired, gives any benefit of a legal doubt to W -- I guess I shouldn't be surprised. W continues to shed crocodile tears in front of teachers, counselors and legal representatives like the mediator whenever she gets a chance. I try to stay calm, but it infuriates me she still wants to act the victim.
Normally, the settling of the finances and the assets and debt between us would be the lesser of my concerns, but taken with their riding roughshod over me with regards to custody, I am about to cancel the whole deal. We left it with the mediator to try to work out a draft of the agreement, but I am inclined to tell this so-called mediator to cease and desist, as I have no confidence in her impartiality as a mediator. The more they keep working the numbers with regards to custody, the less custody I end up with. This is ridiculous and I have already told W that anything less than 50% is a deal breaker. We've now worked me and my sons backwards from 43% to 32%!
Several things were said between us while leaving the mediator's office and thereafter. Very anti-DB, but I don't care anymore. There is really so much more pent up inside of me that I'd like to lay on W for all the wrong she's done and is still doing, but that I must hold back.
A couple of times W made reference to the character Ben in the television series "Lost". She said I was like Ben in that once I was crossed, I could never forgive. I almost laughed in her face. If anyone has a problem with forgiveness it is she. W went on to say that this similarity to the television character made me, in her words, "evil".
W said more than once that all I want is for "someone to tell you what you want to hear", but it will never happen -- she thinks that I still want someone to tell me she is coming back to me. Hah! I laughed and told her I was way beyond that now. I replied that all I want now is what is right for our S's. I told her I do not want this person she has become in my life anymore, but for the sake of my sons I merely had wanted (past tense) to establish some form of peaceful existence with this person. I even told her at one point in one conversation that I don't know which demon from Hell was possessing her body, but I hoped that my former wife's soul was in heaven somewhere.
W complained at one point that I did not tell her I was taking a full vacation day on Friday. I asked why. She said it would have been nice to know that I was free the entire day. I asked, "Why? So you could claim my time for yourself? So you can try to use it for your own advantage?" W replied, "Now that's a perfect example of why I cannot live with you anymore. You just have to get so nasty and mean." Me: "What do you want? You said yourself we cannot be friends. You've made that perfectly clear. You continue to treat me with hatred and contempt no matter what. So now I've finally gotten it. We cannot be friends anymore." W: "We were never friends. Not really, not the way you treated me badly and abused me all the time we were together. You never loved me." Me:"Speak for yourself. You don't even know what love really is."
If you can't tell from my words, I've reached my limit. I am no longer DB'ing and am preparing for all-out war. Yes, I hate it. I hate what it's going to do to us, to my family, to my S's, to our finances. But that is the world we're headed in.
