Where do...I...go from here?

[Stillnlove]

Tpascahl,

Now that I look back, I can see that H probably started going through some of his disillusionment as long as 5 or 6 years ago. ...Actually, I don't think at that point he was disillusioned. I think at that point he was genuinely trying to work on himself... We talked a lot about the books, though I never read them with him. We did have some serious conversations, and sometimes I would gently tease him that he seemed to be awfully down on himself if he thought he needed so much improving. I told him I thought he was already terrific, so why so much searching?

Could he have at that time thought that he was trying to grow and further his Personal Development and you were not? Perhaps he saw you as staying in the same place and that he was surpassing you--not because of his actions, but because of your comments and inactions.

He also talked about his feelings of insecurity and inferiority with other doctors. I already knew of these feelings, and had always done my best to help him examine them, to see if there was any merit, but mostly just to offer support and reassure him that his feelings of insecurity and inferiority were unmerited. I tried to build him up. Guess I didn't do a great job of it.

It is rather ironic, but in many ways what you were doing was invalidating the feelings he had for himself. It was a good thing to believe in him and try to build him up. But doing this by trying to show him that his feelings were without merit backfired. To him that meant you didn't get it and were not listening to him. He wanted to be built up and he wanted help finding his strength, but support and reassurance without tangible structure are meaningless. He felt like a house of cards and you tried to show him how wonderful a house of cards he was. Helping someone find strength is an active endeavour.
A person feels important when others listen without dismissing their feelings. It is wonderful that you thought he was great, and I believe that form some belief in Self starts when others believe in you. But eventually that is not enough. Why? Maybe it was because you didn't back up your belief in concrete ways that he could understand. As his wife, perhaps you became a mother figure, and Mom is supposed to love you, no matter what.

But in other ways he seems VERY detached. Otherwise, how could a father go three solid weeks without speaking to or laying eyes on his three children who only live 10 minutes away?

That's not how Detached works. Detached is when your emotions are not tied to his and vice versa. Avoidance of the children doesn't indicate Detachment. Selfishness, perhaps, confusion, certainly. We do not know his emotional context, but avoiding the children and you may be perfectly sensible within his emotional context.
Perhaps he fears what he would do in their presence.
Perhaps it hurts him more than he can bear when he sees them.
Perhaps he is simply so ashamed that he cannot bring himself to face them.
You don't know. But none of those possibilities have anything to do with being Detached, rather they are completely bound.

And he seems very detached from me now. The C said that in observing his body language in our joint C session 2 weeks ago, H seemed contemptuous of me.

Contempt is not an emotion of Detachment!

Does he? Does he know? Sometimes I think he must, but then when he insists on telling me what a good person she is, I wonder.

Is he telling you or trying to convince himself or make it real? Of course he insists on telling you she's a good person! He must be really awful if he were carrying on with a person he thinks is bad. But he does think he's awful and he thinks she is what he deserves. And yet he's not going to go around admitting he is awful and therefore he's chosen someone just as awful. She represents the level of his own emotional development and he is able to project easily onto her.

When he tells the C that he's realized he needs a different type of person in a relationship (having said this to me before, he knows I know that he's referring to all my "character flaws...

Is he really? Yes, consciously it may be your flaw that he is referencing. But what is the true reference?
He does need a different type of person. Fortunately he's got one and it is you. You are no longer the person he married. You have grown and matured. You are different. But perhaps your development and his were not in synch and he is at a loss.

But he's still determined to press forward with a divorce. So now what? It's hard to know what the right path is.

You are asking for active suggestions.

Yes, you are right. I want active suggestions. And lots of times I already have an idea of the action to take, but it helps me to talk out a course of action before committing to it.

One of your goals is to learn what to Do as a Stander? What does Paving A Safe Way mean, what actions does it entail?
Those may differ for each of us. The answers are within YOU.
The goal or result of the actions you take needs to be Personal Growth and Development, this will lead you to the answers within yourself. It is about Self focus and leads to your other goal of marital reconciliation. It does not guarantee it, but without it, reconciliation cannot work. You need to find and define who you are and since you are ever-changing, you will always be searching, finding and redefining. Life is the journey.
External change facilitates internal change. So what actions can you take to realize your Self goal?

What will help you focus on yourself?
What can you do for you alone?
What have you always wanted to do or do again--old hobbies?
Can you create a tangible goal that you can measure? Perhaps create a series of smaller goals that will lead to the larger Self-Goal. The goal of marital reconciliation is not completely within your control; you can only do your part. Measure only the goals that are completely within your control.

How can you translate Personal Growth and Development into a measurable goal?
What can you do that will facilitate your growth?
How will you know that you have grown?

List items in each of the following 4 categories

• Spiritual
  Meditation
  Yoga
  Create something--Art
  
• Mental
  Read books
  Take a class
  Create something--Art
  
• Physical
  Gym
  Find the runner's high
  Yoga
  
• Social
  Take a class
  Next time you have tickets to a play, ask a friend.

The hardest part is trying to picture a happy future without him. I can kind of sort of picture a future without H, but right now that picture still has very little joy or happiness in it.

I'm a fan of visualizations, but if it's not working, stop relying on it. If you can't picture it, create it and then picture what you've created. You are looking for something that is not there, and the only reason it is not there is because you have not put it there...yet.

I know I'm still focused too much on what I'm losing, what the kids and I will be missing.

So, what can you focus on instead?
Find the positives and focus on them. If you can't think of the positives, make something up and then make them real.
You choose your focus.

As for H, he is back to anger stage. If I don't give in to his every request, he spews.

That is not the Anger STAGE, its just Anger. The Anger Stage of MLC is about MLC. He is simply Angry.

Right now there is open animosity between my H and MIL. ...lately she has reached her limit due to several things that have happened... MIL told H he was a loser, and asked how dare he treat his kids this way, etc., etc. It was not pretty.
But is this good? I don't know. ...Nothing will bring him back right now, but to push him further away doesn't seem smart either.

I don't know either. But pushing or not, he is going to go further away. Maybe this is part of what needs to happen in order to separate him from the influence of his parents--separate the little boy within. He needs to venture out and find his own solutions. Maybe his Mom pushing him away will be a good thing.
I'm not saying it's good; I'm merely offering a different perspective.

Responding with venom just lets him justify what he's doing because I'm a beyotch. I refuse to let that be the truth.

THAT is what MIL can't understand.

She's not calling him up or anything...but when she does see him at soccer games and such, she just has to make nasty comments to him.

She thinks it makes him stop and think, but I'm afraid it will just hurt the sitch more in the long run. I mean, if he ever does stop and think about what he's doing, or even think about coming home, her nastiness will not be a point in our favor.

It would just be one more hurdle he would have to face.

You are both right. Her word may make him stop and think in the manner she intends. Or not. Or he will file them away, Re-Act to them angrily now and process them later when he is further along. Also consider that she is not you and thus she can say things that you cannot and vice versa. It is also important to learn that there are times when a vent from you is necessary. The difficulty is learning which times are appropriate and how to do it without going overboard.

But you already realize it...you cannot control your MIL; you need to Let it Go.