Well, your W may not have slept with another man.....but I would be very surprised if she hasn't. Just b/c she has been honest with you about everything else in the past doesn't mean she would be about the A....one reason being that she probably knows you would walk out on her and she has her reasons for not wanting that at the moment. One could be that she knows that she cannot financially support herself without your income to assist, (plus she can count on you to stay home and babysit the boys....free of charge), or two, she is just wanting the "party scene" to flirt and tease and she is "getting off" by turning these guys on. It has renewed her sense of sexual power as a beautiful and sensual woman. (But that could get her into trouble if she teases too much.) Third, and I think after what you said, this may be closer to the real truth here.....she is wanting to make you jealous enough to see her as these other men are seeing her. She is telling you about tidbits of the party scene and the reaction and attention she is receiving from other men....in hopes that it will stir up some passion in you! That is what she is wanting.....passion. You said that you have taken her for granted and not paid her enough attention. Yes she is getting very addictive to the "buzz" that she receives from all this sexual attention. It is like foreplay for her. Perhaps the "friend" she has along with her works as a "protector" and therefore your W is not as helpless as she would be totally alone in a bar/party situation. So, if she did not want to leave with a man, she would be safer to be with her friend.
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This obv gave her that inital romantic buzz again and want that more. I cannot do that now aswe've come this far, but hope I can be the one to do that in the future.
If she does not want to leave you and she truly wants to keep her M, then my next guess would be that she is wanting you to give her that romantic buzz. Apparently, she was starved for it. You mentioned something in one of your post that kind of grouped all of "us WAW" in by saying something to the affect that that is what "we" do. I did not do the same as what you wife is doing. Not all WAW's do what your W is doing. I have never been in a bar in my life nor have I ever been to any "parties" like she is going to. I never went out all night without my H. He would never have stood for me to go "parting" even if it was with another woman friend b/c it only means one thing....they are on the prowl. You asked a question about isn't that how "we women feel or want from sex"...but I will have to go back and find it, I can't remember how you said it. I was not a saint by any means, but don't group us all together in doing the same thing, we may have similar reactions in our stitch and react in pain, boredom, pure loneliness and neglect, but we are individuals. Remember I was "almost a WAW", but I came to my senses in time and even though I am probably thought of as someone from the other side....remember that I am here to try to help. One thing that "women like us" have in common is that we are very unhappy in our MR or we would not do what we do. Usually, there is a lot of resentment built up though the years. Read Michelle's article here on the board about the WAW. I bet your W tried to tell you how she felt a long time ago, but you did not take it seriously.
I thought she sounded like she was in a MLC and was trying to capture her youth again. If you have not read the part of the MLC, you need to do that. If you have seen a drastic change in her looks and dress.....and of course her life style...that is usually a sign that she is in MLC.
I am very concerned about her leaving her children to go party like she does, but I can understand that when a woman is desperate enough for some male attention and her ego fed, she will put that above her family. As I said....it is like a "drug" that has gotten into her system and it will be very, very hard for her to break free from it. She will need help. So, that leads me to you. My friend, you must take responsibility for the part of the breakdown in your MR. From what you have posted, it sounds as if you are.
No, it is not wrong to want to hang on to the M b/c you still love your W and b/c you love your boys. That is what this board is all about.
You must finish reading the book. Make that your priority for now. You have to know the tools to deal with what is happening. Go to the MLC forum and read some of the sign of people in MLC and how to deal with it. If she is in MLC, it will take a long time for her to get out of it.
I know your W sounds like a b*tch but she is really screaming out that she is desperately unhappy and she wants to be appreciated and admired. She was bored to death in her R with you and now she is trying to find excitement in other places. She tells you things to see what your reaction will be. In other words she is saying, "Do you even care what I am doing?" She is starved for romance, but deep down (I hope) she still wants it from her H more than any other man. Unless she has completely divorced you emotionally, you could get that feeling back for her again.
You said you had already started taking better care of your physical appearance. You need to really work on your looks and your personality and your manners. All of us can stand to improve ourselves. You are like most others that have let themselves "relax" too much in a M to the point of letting down and not working at it. You must always work at a M or you will either lose it or you will have a very dull and boring R.
My advice for you is to perk up and start showing her that you can be better than any of these other men.....but it will take a lot of hard work....it won't come shortly, so you must have lots of patient. If you play it right, you can even show romance in time, but at this point, I think some healing needs to come first.
Why is it taking so long to find a C? You certainly need to find a pro-marriage and solution based C.
Read other thread here on different forums. You are not the only man in this situation. BTW, I am over in the Piecing forum and the links to my story can be found there.
Best of luck to you.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
